Separated parents :(

[Anonymous2003]

Hi, I have posted about this before just as an outlet more than asking for advice. My mum came out as lesbian following 20 years being married to my dad. She moved out of the family home over a year ago. Our dad does so much for us. We (me 21 and DB 18) go to visit my mum but not as much as I would like. She only lives 2 miles away but it feels like it's often me putting in the effort. I have discussed this with her multiple times and she vows to change. Mumsnetters, I know I am an adult but wouldn't you want to see your kids most if not everyday if you stopped living with them? I get very sad about the whole thing.

I think you don’t have to see someone every day to love and feel close to them.
I suspect you are both tentatively trying to find a new more grown up relationship x

@Pumpkinpie1 yes that is true it's just very hard when our dad sees us everyday at home and she doesn't.

I don't think she needs to see you everyday, she no longer lives in the family home, this is a new normal you will have to get used to unfortunately.

@TomatoSandwiches it's difficult to get used to when emotions are involved and she seems to have excuses for not seeing us. She broke up with her girlfriend of a year recently and seems to already be getting very friendly with a lesbian colleague.

I don't think you need to concern yourself with her love life tbh, I'm sure you wouldn't appreciate her doing the same to you.
Obviously this is a turbulent time, separating for whatever reason normally is, you and your siblings are adults now so the relationship will change, it will take time to get used to it.

Bump

How old are you @Anonymous2003 ? If you’re adults then no I wouldn’t expect them to see you every day, nor frankly would most adults want to see their parent every day.

If you’re a child I get it’s different but that’s the reality of separation and I guess if you’re living with your dad it’s very uncomfortable for your mum to come round and see you. As PP said you don’t have to see someone every day to love them.

I understand where you are coming from but I would like to put another perspective.

The day after my younger daughter turned 21 she got on a plane at Heathrow and headed off for Japan for what should have been her year abroad. Covid and the restrictions Japan placed on foreign visitors meant that April was the earliest she could go, despite being enrolled at the university since September. The flight was 15+ hours and then the time difference was 8 hours. We had video calls every week or so but I did not check in with her every day. I was working and she was too busy immersing herself in the culture. That doesn't mean that I don't love her; it means that I trusted her to live her best life and update me when she could. She returned 4 months later with so much resilience and determination - I am very proud of her.

You are legally an adult. Other people of your age will be studying or working away from the family home. Does everyone of your age check in or see their parents every day? My daughters are 25 and 23 now and live away from me due to their work and study. They check in by WhatsApp every couple of days but that's it. They know I am always here for them but I want them to become independent. In the nicest way, maybe that's your mum's thinking.

@Keepingthingsinteresting I am 21, I guess it was just totally unexpected and the feelings stem from the fact my dad has no choice but to see us everyday, it feels inequal? My parents still get on, we all went out for dinner the other night but she says she feels awkward when she comes over to ours.

I left home at 21, the main reason was so I didn't have to see my parents every fucking day.

Most adults don't see their parents every day. Or want to.

@Malbecfan its an extremely complex situation that has impacted our entire family circle. I just didn't see this coming and it feels sometimes that she has taken off while we are heartbroken by the separation.

@FreeRider good for you 😁

So she does feel uncomfortable- I think that’s not surprising, the process of coming out was probably very difficult for your mum having lived in a heterosexual marriage for 20 years.

Gently @Anonymous2003 , I think you need to start trying to grow up about this a little bit more. You aren’t a kid anymore, and even if you were split parents often don’t share kids 50/50, so time to start trying to work past this and develop a grown up relationship with your mum, this can be hard but trust me is worth the effort!

I misread and though you said 12, I was thinking god how awful. Then I saw 21!! I was moved out of home at 19 and in my own place, parents divorced, house sold. People go away to uni at 18. I didn't even see my parents every day when I was living with them, as I was out alot, seeing friends, going away etc.
Very kindly op it is so very important that you have more of a life outside of your parents. You need to be more independent at 21. Your dad shouldn't be doing so much for you too, as it sounds excessive. And yes adult relationships are complicated, and I can see why your Mum won't want to come back; she doesn't need to. Go visit her, or arrange to meet her for lunch.
Let your Mum have a life of her own, you're not a little kid; in the kindest way possible you need to grow up.

I disagree with people saying that frequency of meeting up / talking is correlated so closely to age. Or that leaving home has to mean a cold turkey type separation. (I am unfairly paraphrasing, to show which parts i don’t agree with.) What we all did / wanted or what our kids did or will do might not be what you want. And am sure there are lots of people here who kept very close ties with their parents past the age of 20. Didn’t Helena Bonham Carter (not outing her as a friend of MN, I don’t know her!) live with her parents until she was shout 30?

What I mean to say is that if it’s worrying or preoccupying you, then do have a chat to your mum and to your dad. Perhaps you can suggest that one night a week she comes over and he goes out?

Explain to her that you need to see her a bit more during this period of transition and though it may be awkward for her now, you are happy to work around her awkwardness to make it less so, so that your long term relationship stays as strong as it always has been. Hint hint!

I wish that aged 21 I had been as considerate of my parents’ needs and wishes and at the same time also as constructive in trying to find resolutions to difficult situations like the one you are in, as you are / are being.

mumsnet is known for people being frank - isn’t it? - and to give you my frank view I think your mum is being a tad selfish if she doesn’t see your wishes for what they are - an expression of your love for her.

@NeedsMustNet thank you so much for your helpful and compassionate comment ♥️ its definitely not a black and white situation like others have made it out to be.