how to handle xp who told 11 yr old DD he'll be emigrating to Canada when she's 16!!

[Flowernat]

Not done this before but...i need some advise because i've been simmering for a fortnight.My dd1 visits her dad every other sun.Since remarrying i've found them very manipulative and controlling.XP now has no contact with most of his family and got married without inviting them to wedding.I've had various lectures on how i'm not encouraging dds relationship with her dad which is sooo far from truth.Too much to say here...I used to get on quite well with XP but when wife to be arrived she did stuff like sprung suprise meals when he was supposed to be over visiting dd so he would leave early.DD would see him more but he's often busy and is far from flexible.ANYWAY when she went over sunday last he took her to one side and told her he would be moving to Canada when she is 16 (5 yrs time!) unless he and his wife have children of their own by then,in which case he might stay put.How would you handle this??!He made no mention of it to me and I found out by seeing she seemed preoccupied and wasn't sleeping so well.She's a sensitive soul I can't understand why he would leave her worrying about this!?To me it gives out some very funny messages.She's totally gutted.I'm all for her being well informed but I think this is more about control or plain thoughtless.He'd have a fit if we were making plans to emigrating to Australia and he found out through DD.I don't want to let it lie but how to handle it...

I guess its a bit late at night for posting this sort of thing!

Well, I think it was a very unfair thing for him to have done. He should have talked to you about it first, so that you would be prepared for the fall out, at home with your DD. He should have talked to you, about the best way to tell her also. As it is you that will be there to comfort her, and you that will be with her full time in 5 years time. Its a very log time in advance to be telling her, especially as its seemingly not set in stone.

A really callus, selfish thing for him to have done. Also, to mention that if he had other children wh might not go, does not exactly instill a sense of her importance to him! It makes it sound like 'you are not important enough to stay here for, but my 'new' childrens needs will be more important and considered more than yours"

I'd be very angry if I were in your position. I really think you need to talk to him about it, and make him realise the impact this has had on your DD, and it would have been courteous and respectful to have given you prior warning, so at least you could have been armed with possible answers to any questions she might ask!

Don't let it lie either, as it will not go away now, and this needs to be addressed for your Dd's sake more than anything. Typical bloody selfish man. ( ok apologies to any lovely men who are not selfish... I know there are some of you out there )

My first thought was to tell him you are moving to Australia when your DD is 16 . But I dont suppose that is a helpful reply . I just didnt want your thread to go unanswered .

That is a plain nasty thing to do without consulting you first.
My exh did the same thing, and as my dd said 'his wife always come first, yet we were here before her'

Hence, her hatred of OW is always simmering...

I may be starting a new thread, cause I'm not exactly pleased with exh right now....

What a mean thing to do. Unfortunately, from your description it seems unlikely that you are going to change his behavior. You shoudl of course make him aware of how much it upset her. But put your energy into making her feel better because you will probably be much more successful in that endeavor than in making him change. Maybe just reassure her that sometimes people say things that they are thinking about and talk about them as if they were true when in fact they are just ideas. And that 5 years is a long way off and he might change his mind a few times between now and then. And in any case if he does move somewhere in 5 years, she'll be old enough to go and visit him on a plane on her own and she might just like a cool vacation to Canada when she's a teenager. In other words just make it ok with a bit of sugar coating so she doesn't remain preoccupied about it.

thanks for your messages.I feel better reading them.I thought about the Australia thing to...I thought same suzie.It gives an underlying message that we won't stay for you but if we have our OWN lo we would stay for them...Purple one-since XP got together with new wife its got worse and worse and I was pleased for them in the beginning because if XP is happy,DD will be happy...This list is as long as my arm of different things where what she says goes.My DD is old enough to notice even though i've been discreet with somethings because I hate to see her upset.She liked her 'old' dad who we got on ok with.I look at him when things aren't right though because I may hate the OW's controlling and manipulative influence but we're all responsible for ourselves aren't we.He doesn't realise that she really has picked off most of his side of the family but she can't quite do that with me because I'm DD's mum.She scowls when they drop dd back and looks the other way!I'm embarrassed to admit all this stuff because its not the way i do things.Lifes too short etc...Thanks sofia i have been doing what you said and bought some oils for burner by bed (she's 11)because she wasn't sleeping so well.I think the same.If he'd waited till he was sure or till she was 15 then she might of thought a flight to Canada would be cool but now it just undermines her confidence and security...

XP came over today to take DD over to his for day.I'd been trying to think when the best time would be to tell him what i thought.Its never a good time.Anyway couldn't wait any longer so I just said I would have preferred it if he had told me about the emigration thing before he told DD so I would know to support her (I would have said wait till older but...)He was defensive and said she didn't seem bothered at the time & said a few things and skipped onto something else.I said the reason she skipped onto something else and didn't dwell on it was because she was trying really hard not to cry and it was really upsetting.DD hasn't felt free to talk with her XP as things have deteriorated over last few years.So he said he didn't bother to tell me as its not a definate plan and its year away!!I can't believe he doesn't have a clue how upset she would be at the prospect of only seeing him twice a year maybe...He went on a bit not accepting anything I said,it wasn't very nice and felt crap for dd all day.When its your child you feel so protective i never expected to have these problems with her own dad.

I think you both (you and the EX) need to explain to your daughter that a lot can happen in 5 years and if he does move she will be grown up enough to go and stay with him. Push the benefits and the nice things about the move. At 11 she is probably worrying too much about it, but as she gets older she'll grow more used to the idea.

What I mean is, as you are worried about the effect this is having on your daughter you need to try and stop focusing on your own anger about how you found out and spend some time getting her used to the idea and explaining how it will work and how things will change as she gets older.

If you do this together then you will be united and she won't have to have the added worry of you fighting.

yes she does worry about things that happen when your older like moving out of home,going to college,what courses to do?!!Not all the time obviously but if you start her on the course she's off like a rocket.Thats why in just a few more years alot will have changed and she would probably find it a little easier to adapt to the idea.I wish XP had thought of that because he knows her well enough.

yes i agree.I haven't had a conversation with him like this morning for a long time.I don't make a habit of it.Usually i concentrate on dd because like sofia says energy is much better spent there.It seems like i'm just focused on myself because I've vented myself here.What I would say here privately/publicly is not the same as what i would say in front of my dd,even this morning.

Prior to his present relationship we had a really good relationship (for x's!).He had a few girlfriends over years but we've never had a problem.We worked together when it came to dd,were friends,chatted and helped each other out sometimes.I would expect that to change certainly but I never expected to get to this.His new wife detests everyone (I'm not exagerating) who came with his life prior to her arrival.She's made it really unpleasant for them.That is the only reason I didn't sit down with him like I would have previously and behaved like a couple of adults.

I met up with xp's new wife few months ago because xp insisted and I thought we might sort a few things because she's so unpleasant.He refused to meet and talk to me about dd by himself and insisted she must come too?!?I really didn't want to sit there with both of them (why would I?!??)getting lectured about how I do everything wrong (don't ask),so ended up meeting just her!Too bizarre for words in my eyes.So tonight I've got a text from her saying

"its evident from the conversation i've just had with xxxx (my XP) that you didn't listen to a word i said when we met.I suggest that we meet again so I can reiterate"

WTF i'm lost for words.i'm ignoring it for time being because its so f"£$ing ridiculous...

Who the feck does she think she is talking to? Does she talk to your xh like this? My, my. What a lovely life he must have.

The thing is, you probably can't even be rude to her, because she'll try to make things worse for your dd. Unfortunately, I would send a text back saying "reiterate what you will, but you must do it in front of the mirror, because I shall not be there".

Jeeze, this woman farking loves herself, doesn't she? I'm so annoyed for you. Do you want us to beat her up .

Your ex's wife is clearly a woman who has no self confidence and is trying to bring herself up by bringing you down. I really do not see why you need to meet with her and think that in fact it's probably a bad idea as she will distort whatever is said when she repeats it to your ex.
I also find the concept of texting personal insults and criticisms a very cowardly way of dealing with people.
Just ignore the text and act as if you had never received it and continue to interact with your ex as you have been doing, in person, without his wife, and only to discuss your dd. She will not be able to control you that way.

God dont you so want to tell her to fuck off . But I would pretend I hadnt recieved the stupid text . The two points being what have you got to talk about . What ever you say will be wrong so no point trying ,just protect your DD as much as possible. And secondaly She will be waiting for a text back or some communication ,what ever you do will be wrong and the biggest plus point it will drive her nuts waiting on you to reply . This way you do have some control . Look at it this way they both deserve each other . Best of luck to you .

What did you speak about when you met?

It might be worth all sitting down again to discuss the new developments and how they might change things.

littlewoman you made me laugh and i could do with laughing!!!Honestly if it had no repercutions for my dd I'd have packed their bags and booked the flight myself by now.I'm sorry to sound trivial about it beaniesteve,its been about 4 yrs now and I feel like I've been jumping through hoops and come to the conclusion its not going to work.But still it HAS to work...See my quandry.When we talked she told me all xp's family are "arseholes" and that xp "behaves impeccably".There's not much to work with there.His family are lovely and have always been there for me and him.I still get on with them fine.She spent the time trying to tell me how badly i get on with xp,how we spark of each other (?!?)and how i'm letting him down because I don't make my dd phone him more often.The fact is before she got involved I know he told his mum he was pleased we were getting on so well.I'd told friends the same.But obviously the worse they are behaving i'm not going to encourage dd to phone more!!I did for a while and then they talk inconsiderately to her...and grumble about ringing more but don't ring her.Wife told me xp gave up ringing because my dd is so crap at calling!i'm wondering who's the adult and who's the child.i don't speak negatively in front of dd but thats a challenge these days.We went to an open day for secondary school myself,dd and xp last year and xp complained loudly it was organized poorly when we got there and then declared it was going on longer than he thought so we would have to leave early (came in one car)because he had to meet wife to go to theatre!The open day had been arranged for months and I only went in one car because i thought it would be nice for dd and xp.We stayed for introduction and then left.There was nothing i could do except go to the other 2 in my own car.When i said how wrong that was and priorites etc he got shirty and they complained that i didn't actively involve him in choosing bloody secondary school... Sorry for the essay.

Paros i agree with you too.I hate the fact it all feels like a game and I'm trying to stay a step ahead.I'm with the no text because its more irritating than a reply.Also I've a life to get on with and I'm trying not to think to much about it.I'm sure that will make you laugh considering the obscene amount i've managed to produce on this thread!I'm embarrassed to put it all here but can't help myself,its extremely therapeutic!Thanks for your ears,sorry to bend them.