Should I be jealous?

[Stargazerlassie]

I’ve been with my partner for over a year but have never met one of his closest friends. I have met everyone else including family and I feel secure in our relationship.
The issue is with one of his best friends who he spoils and drops things for and would do the same for her kids (she is a single parent). I think it’s lovely that he cares so much and I don’t usually get jealous and I’m not sure if I should be?
His previous girlfriend ended their relationship partly due to the jealousy created by this friendship and I’ve since found out it caused issues in the relationship before that.
I think this is why I’ve been kept from meeting her.
His family and friends have all met her so it’s not a secret or anything sneaky.
is this something I should be concerned about?

I would assume that the way he or they interact is viewed as inappropriate to partners, or else it wouldn’t have caused issues in the past in addition to keeping you from meeting her. It’s weird.

Has he ever shagged her?

I'd end the relationship. His behaviour with this woman is inappropriate or his previous relationships wouldn't have ended because of it.

Maybe he's in love with her and she doesn't reciprocate and his feelings are obvious when they're together.

It could mean that he's frightened of intimacy and having this woman in his life means he never has to commit properly to anyone.

Who knows but I'd cut my losses.

If two previous women have found the relationship to be inappropriate I'd take that as seriously

Him now keeping you apart to prevent you from making your own judgment implies he is aware it is inappropriate, or that you will find it to be.

So yes, I'd assume there's a reason to be jealous. It doesn't need to be sexual, but she may be his 'number one', which is just as bad for you.

This guy seems to be bad at relationships. It is not a good sign that two previous relationships have ended over this ‘friendship’. When his previous partners got upset over it, he should have prioritised them over this ‘friend’.

And now his new strategy is to keep his partner away from this ‘friend’ altogether. He’s creating a weird triangle and how could you feel secure like that?

Have you asked to meet her?

He has shown that he cares more about this woman that he did about at least the last two relationships he was in. Which is a bit bizarre.

Did they split with him because they met her, and thought she was a threat based on her actions? Or because they'd never met her and that in itself caused suspicion?
Is this woman his ex?
What would he say if you just said 'oh, I'd really like to finally meet Pauline. Why don't we invite her to dinner on Saturday?'

If he has preferred previous relationships to end rather than cool his relationship with this woman then obviously she is the most important connection in his life. Presumably you will always be second to her also.
So unless you are happy playing second fiddle to her i would end the relationship.

I would 100% end it.

I have learned the hard way, but also through observing many other situations around me that when a man will drop anything for another woman, he's likely in love with her. The fact that it caused issues in two previous relationships is all the evidence I would need to know that the relationship is inappropriate.

My best friend is a woman, I see her most weeks, nothing has ever happened between us and never will. She is like a sister to me and the thought of anything other than platonic friendship has never crossed either of our minds..

My last two relationships were with partners who felt threatened by her ( and my other friends ) and made me feel guilty when we met up. This was because they were insecure and not because of my friendship with said friend.

I make it clear now when I date that my best friend, and most of my friends are female, and if they don't like it then I know the relationship won't work.

I would never end a relationship with a friend, or cool things off just because i started to date, regardless of their sex.

How many of you would sacrifice your best friend ( female) just because you started a new relationship? Doubt not very many....

It doesn't sound to me as though your two ex partners were insecure so much as they realised your friend was more important to you than they were and they, quite rightly, expected the person they were in a relationship with to prioritise them.
That's fine if you make your priorities clear to prospective partners but to label them as insecure because you prioritise your friendships over relationships is actually really unfair.

I literally could have written this
1.5 years down the line and i still haven't met his female 'best friend'
His last gf dumped him the day after meeting her
I'm ready to throw the towel in

Do he let you down to go to her when she clicks her fingers?

Some men and women believe that friendships with the opposite sex are inappropriate. I think this attitude is controlling. Long-lasting friendships shouldn't be sacrificed for short-term relationships unless there is clear evidence that the friendship includes romantic feelings.

If he has lost and has been willing to lose 2 relationships over his friend, then it indicates he is not emotionally free to commit to another relationship. I would also find it very annoying that he is keeping her and you apart.

While he is entitled to have a female friend he is not entitled to drop things with his primary relationship to help her unless there is a dire emergency. His friend should not be expecting him to be at her beck and call either. Perhaps she doesn't want to meet you.

This is an interesting article which was posted on here the other day. It's fine for men and women to be friends but do be wary of friendships of any sex where you are being kept from them and or they drop things with you for them there is usually a very unhealthy dynamic in them that will blight your relationship whether that is emotional, physical or just you not being his main relationship, being second best to a partner is not a way to be happy

https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/men-and-women-cant-be-just-friends/

I agree if the relationship has longevity and plans. However, if a friendship is long-standing then I see no reason to remove the historical friend immediately. It depends on the motivations of those in the relationships. I often find past trauma driving insecurity is not remedied by agreeing to the insecure partner's demands.

Who is talking about friendships between the opposite sexes being inappropriate?
As far as I can see it's the emphasis and the priority given to friendship that is the issue.
Friendships can be conducted with openess and with the inclusion of partners. It's when partners are excluded and the friend prioritised that problems manifest themselves for the partner.

Really if someone is so precious about their friendships, that they are the altar to die on, then they really shouldn't be entering into anything more than casual relationships because they don't have the mindset for a partnership type relationship.

You are right in that he shouldn't just drop his friend because his partner is starting to worry.

He should though reflect on why his relationships are being lost because of his relationship with his friend, whether his friend was a man or a woman. If it's just his previous GFs are insecure then he needs to think about why he is attracting or attracted to insecure partners. If it's because he drops plans for a friend who only needs to crook their finger then he needs to understand that's not a way to have a healthy relationship with a partner.

There is nothing to say that he is or wants to have a sexual relationship with his friend but he is in a heavily emotional relationship with her if he is dropping plans for her. Emotional affairs can be way worse to cope with than sexual ones because they are not easy to detach from.

I've had a relationship where a friend (male) was XBFs primary relationship, while it was fine most of the time, I did get fed up of making plans with BF only for that to be scuppered by friend who didn't like me so the moment he thought BF was getting too close he'd draw him away breaking plans purposely to make me break it off. While I don't know if this dynamic happens in OPs DP relationship with his friend or not, it is a possibility that the friend is not overly happy with having her support and cheerleader taken away from her and may "need help" at times when DP is getting too close to his GF, she may not and be perfectly innocent too.

We don't know enough from OP for a judgement call on it really there are so many variables but no he shouldn't just drop his friend but he needs to know why he is so willing to run to her when he has other plans and why his partners find that unacceptable.

Also if she is an important person in his life, why are they being kept so far apart. I would expect someone you are thinking about committing too would meet your best friend quite early on whatever sex they are. That way there is none of this wondering what she's really like or what their relationship really is.

At best the OPs BF has very lax boundaries with this friend, at worst she is his emotional partner.

Personally I couldn't care less if my husband has female friends but if he was prioritising that person over a year long relationship and is dropping you in favour of her often then yes I'd be pissed off.

Funnily enough when my husband and I had just moved in together his best female friend started upping the ante and trying to monopolise his time with trips out and time together and phone calls. I did put my foot down with her and told her if she ever rang the house at midnight again she better know how to run. She's a lot more respectful nowadays lol.

Why would anyone in their right minds drop a longterm, close friendship for a new relationship that may not last? And who in their right mind would want to be in a relationship where that was a condition of the relationship continuing?

OP, If you don't feel jealous, you don't feel jealous, surely. I mean, I wouldn't be trying to whip up feelings, positive or negative, that you don't naturally have.

I'm someone with longterm male friends, one of two of them exes from a million years ago, and am happily married. I would not contemplate entering into a relationship with someone who was unable to deal with my existing friends, or who thought he was supposed to be the Only Man in my Life. That doesn't mean I'm not 'emotionally available' for a romantic relationship, only that I don't share views I often see on here, and which are to me deeply bizarre and go some way towards explaining why so many Mners are so lonely -- that it's 'respectful' to retire all opposite-sex friendships once in a relationship, and if you do insist on retaining them, only see them with your boyfriend/girlfriend, and show them all your messages.

Friendships on balance outlast relationships, though. Why would you drop a 20-year friendship for a new girlfriend or boyfriend?

My second post explains that he shouldn;t just drop his friend over a short term relationship/insecure partner but he needs to reflect on why he prioritises her.

Being friends with anyone is fine, being friends that take up your time and hadspace away from your main relationships and you being a wlling participant in that is not.

Well if your interest lies mainly with your friend rather than your new boyfriend or girlfriend, right from the off, the no wonder the new relationship usually doesn't last. Nurturing the friendship at the expense of the relationship is always going to result in the friendship outlasting the relationship.

A common theme on Mumsnet is that opposite-sex friends are naturally problematic. I'm being kind with that assessment. Usually driven by the poster's previous experience or firmly held belief projecting onto the discussion board.
DP and I both have friends of the opposite sex and we do not have a problem with it despite both going through previous infidelities.
Not everyone is driven by rigid positions on ethical issues in relationships.

What op needs to ask herself is if this would be a problem if this friend was male

I have asked myself this question about my bf's 'best friend' and I know I would still have a problem if he was at the beck n call of a man like he is with his female best friend .

I think this depends on a couple of things, is he open and honest about contact with her?

Is there any indication that things have overstepped beyond the friendship, i.e have they been romantically involved previously?
Something has gone on for it to be an issue to the other relationships.

My last relationship was problematic with my partner wanting to be “friends” with exes.
Firstly because he was immature in disagreements and used them as threats “they are pestering me for a sh*g” etc and secondly because he told silly fibs about their contact instead of being honest.

It was a repeated pattern in his previous relationships and no doubt will continue to undermine any future ones.

So my advice would be if it is purely friendship and he is mature, honest about it and he’s not indicating there’s a threat to the relationship then don’t worry, But if not then have a discussion with him about it and see how it lands.