How to move forward when we want different things

[anicecuppateaa]

DH and I want different things - namely another baby or not. I had a traumatic tfmr before Christmas of an unplanned pregnancy, which has increased my feelings around it.

I have accepted I can’t force him into having another baby and his feelings are valid, but I resent him and feel unbelievably sad we are not on the same page but I am not sure we can move forward as a couple unless I swallow my feelings and act normally.

We have other dc and he wants me to accept what we have is enough.

How can we move forward? I don’t want to break up for the sake of my other dc but I feel trapped and frustrated that he has this control over my life.

you need to do some serious work. You already have at least one child. Your post makes it sound like you are laying the mental groundwork to break up a family just because you don’t get to have another child. Just really think for a moment how crazy that would be. If you continue with this way of thinking, that is where are headed.

You’re right. What work do you suggest - therapy? I am struggling with grief after the tfmr so (perhaps not understandably) am not thinking in a rational way but I appreciate the honest feedback.

You can’t hold this against him. That isn’t fair on him or your DC who will be affected by your bad relationship and an atmosphere in the house.

If it takes therapy to get past this, that’s what you need.

I know - his feelings are valid and I obviously do not want to force him. So I need to find a way to accept it and move on…

On the face of it, I am behaving normally at home so luckily the atmosphere is still a happy one.

I'm sorry but why are the Op's feelings not valid? Maybe he should have therapy? How many DC do you have?

Thank you. I feel invisible - surely both of our feelings are equally valid…

OP’s feelings are valid but suggesting her DH should get therapy to convince him to have a baby is madness.

Definitely me that needs the therapy! Or maybe together. I am not trying to convince him.

It's fine to want more than one, you don't need to get therapy or make yourself stay in the relationship, depends how badly you you want another, if you do then ultimately it means breaking up if he means never or you can compromise on having another but not right now.

Sorry if I am missing something here but why is is not madness for the Op who would like another child to have therapy but for her husband it is madness because he doesn't want another child - surely they are the same, just opposing thoughts! They both have valid feelings but I don't understand the point about therapy? Unless this is around grief which is then an entirely different thing.

Because therapy is often used to help people accept situations they are in and come to terms with things that they cannot have or wish they had had (for example, a better relationship with their parents growing up, a lack of self esteem, bad choices made when younger, toxic patterns of behaviour). It's unethical to use therapy as a way to persuade someone to do something they don't want to do, especially something as big as having another child. Would you think it was OK for a man who wanted a child to ask his non child wanting wife to go to therapy to change her mind?

No I understand your point - I guess I was more thinking about both of them coming to terms with their decisions rather than just the Op having to come to terms with not having another child - should the DH also try to explore why he doesn't want another child in order to help the Op comes to terms with that. Ultimately it is sad for both of them and I hope the Op is able to feel validated in her feelings and also able to deal with her grief.

The feelings are absolutely equally valid, but the results that can happen off the back of those feelings aren't -- you can't force someone to have a baby, as you acknowledge yourself. So you need to separate your feelings from an outcome you can't have, even those those feelings are sadness and anger about the frustration that something you want can't happen. This may be difficult to distinguish for your DH (as in, he may experience you wanting to talk about your feelings as blame, or an attempt to pressure him into changing his mind), which is why therapy would be a good idea for you. It really helps to have a neutral space to express yourself.

It's not sad for DH that he doesn't want another child and he doesn't need to come to terms with the choice he chose. Therapy would be a total waste of time and money for him.

I'm very very sorry for what you've been through recently; undoubtedly the unplanned pregnancy and the TFMR will have been even more stressful for both you (and your husband) than for most people going through those experiences because of the context of you wanting another baby while your husband doesn't. However...

I feel trapped and frustrated that he has this control over my life.

I think you need to pursue talking therapy to tackle this specific narrative that you have created here. To me, this statement seems as wild as someone complaining that their spouse won't give them their blessing to have an affair, in the sense that you and your husband are creating a family together within your marriage and this naturally means that some options in life are not available to you (if you want to stay in the marriage).

If you read other threads where a couple disagree on having another baby you'll see that the advice is always that it's the person who doesn't want another child who gets the casting vote (aside from anything else, it wouldn't be fair on the child). So I don't think it's that your feelings are not valid, but it's that that isn't the main factor in actually making the decision. Saying that, do you have someone else IRL you can talk with about your feelings? I agree with PP that your husband probably isn't best placed to be that person (through no fault of either of you, just under the circumstances).

It's sad for both of them that they disagree - if the Ops DH loves her then he must be sad that she is sad surely! We aren't talking about buying a dog this is a life decision that the Op has to come to terms with and I think it is sad for both of them that they can't agree - just my opinion!

Sad doesn't equal needing therapy. It's a normal emotion but at the end of the day, he doesn't need to work through it. He will naturally move on.

You can't put someone in therapy because they don't want a child. Don't be utterly ridiculous.

Sorry @anicecuppateaa I know you weren't suggesting it

It's really hard to accept when you want to keep going.
The only thing I can say if it helps is that you might just be grieving the fact that the newborn stage is over. We always said two. We had two. Lovely. But I'd so love a third, even though I know we couldn't cope and DH doesn't want one. I think I'd be sad no matter when we stopped. Biology is a bitch sometimes.

Your feelings are valid. It’s ok to feel sad. It’s ok to grieve (I’m sorry for your loss x)

I agree with therapy. I think you need help to reframe things. Realistically you are choosing between family as it is now and divorce, with all that it brings for you AND your children
You need to make peace with the reality with help, and choose the ‘least bad’ option that is actually possible, rather than yearning for something that will never happen

I think we are missing the point now - I was merely trying to say that I understood why the Op felt like her feelings were being ignored and she felt invisible - why does she need to do work because she wants another child and it is simply taken that he doesn't so that's find - I know sad is a normal emotion but I really don't understand why she has to deal with it and he doesnt! Moving on I hope the Op is able to move forward and find what she wants - I think we should be focusing on her rather my view as that is what the post is about - a fundamental difference in view!

Of course your feelings are valid, OP

OF COURSE THEY ARE

You're grieving and you feel that a baby would help you. And you want another baby

Please please don't feel bad for this

I'd suggest couples counselling to explore the baby impasse, then maybe grief counselling for you

You're doing NOTHING wrong. But you do need to work through this to a conclusion that you feel good about

OP I had a termination a couple of years ago, different reasons to you, We also already have children. It was an unplanned pregnancy. Even so, I believe hormones made me what I can only describe as crazy for months afterwards, I felt like I NEEDED another baby, cried non stop every night. It was horrendous. Cried going past baby shops. maybe give yourself a time, say 3 months, 6 months, a year even, and if by then you feel the same way, decide from there, until then take the pressure off you both and try to concentrate on other things. I am so glad now I didn’t give in to my urges because I know it wouldn’t have been right. My point is, hormones and emotions are probably very strong right now and you’re maybe not seeing clearly. Lots of love and look after yourself

also when I wanted our second child, my partner wasn’t sure, so we agreed I wouldn’t mention it at all for 3 months while he decided then we would re-assess. You both need some head space IMO