DN's Behaviour Really Rankling

[Ladybadenbadenbaden]

For a while now, DN's attitude towards me has been pretty poor, but on the last meet up I was so pissed off with it I nearly put the kids back in the car and left. This boy is 10 years old and we meet at DP's every month or so for background. I bought him quite an expensive present which neither he nor DB acknowledged. While I was there, DM asked him whether he was going to say thank you (I hadn't said a word), and he did, but in a mimicky sing-song voice. She said say thank you properly and he just did it again, so meh, didn't like it, clearly not grateful - won't bother again. I'm not kidding through, throughout my whole time there he was nothing but rude to me, and extremely rude at that. He sat in my spot (we all have a spot, right?), glaring at me. I mean, unblinking, frowning, looking directly at me for around a minute until I asked him why he was staring and what the problem was. He was playing with DD and DS and they were getting on ok, until he threw DD onto the sofa like a rag doll. Another inch higher and she would have smacked her head on the wall so obviously I told him not to do it again, although they were all happy and having fun. But then he's saying things like they have rotten teeth, the games they like are for idiots, and they both need to wear nappies because Aunty * hasn't toilet trained them properly. I cannot believe that a 10 year old kid has got me so rattled but he was so obnoxious I really don't care to see him again for a very long time. But then as I was leaving he gave me a hug and my heart kind of melted a bit. It's not his fault is it. DB wasn't there for all of it but heard him say several pretty rude things and didn't once pull him up. The worst part was my kids started emulating it and talking to me like crap (obviously they were pulled up).

I don't know what I'm asking really or if I'm even asking anything. I think it's best we don't visit my parents when he's there for a while. I feel sorry for him and guilty for stopping my kids seeing their cousin, but I really can't stomach another episode like that. Would it be out of order to say you're being incredibly rude to me and I don't like it? I don't feel like it's my place but his dad has his head in his phone 99% of the time. This poor kid has no boundaries and if he'll behave like that with me, god knows what's going on in the wider world. Also I bought him a quite an expensive birthday present, I'm thinking of returning it and getting something more... well... cheaper. On the one hand it's petty but on the other, I don't really feel like spoiling him. By what I've just seen, it seems like he's been spoiled enough.

I don't blame you for being upset/rattled by this at all, @Ladybadenbadenbaden - it sounds as if his behaviour was appalling. If his parents were hearing it, and not pulling him up on it, that is poor parenting, and would explain why he thinks it is OK to behave in such a bratty fashion.

I think I would honestly be tempted to return his birthday present and get him something cheaper - it's a natural consequence for his behaviour. I wouldn't be spending a lot of time there either - or asking him over to your house - and if your DB notices and asks why, you can tell him what you've said here - you didn't appreciate his son's rudeness and nastiness.

This child is not a good influence on your DC, as you have pointed out.

Why should you risk that?

It's sad that the child is going to have this happen quite a lot. Good people with well-behaved children won't want to be around him. And though I understand those parents, it's not your nephews fault that he's being neglected and not being taught how to behave.
Very sad.

I understand that you need the distance though. You're not wrong.

Oh I can identify with this. I have a nephew who can be an absolute little shit but I also worry about him a lot.
Absolutely dial back on the presents.
The way I coped with it is by trying really hard to have some positive interactions with him - to spend some time chatting with him or doing stuff he wanted to do. I also absolutely pulled him up on things when he was being horrible though.
My hope was if I could build a decent relationship with him he might actually listen when I told him off and I may be able to influence some better behaviour.
It was hit and miss. He's older now and has calmed down a lot - albeit troubled in some ways.

Thanks for your answers everyone. As I say, I was pretty cross, but it is quite sad. Looking at it objectively, I can see why my brother is so laid back since our own parents were really strict disciplinarians (back then - not with GCs) so he's clearly gone completely the other way. I'd go as far as to say he actively encourages DN at times by sitting there chuckling when he's "being cheeky", only ever pulling him up if he's completely out of control, pushing GPs around (play fighting, but they are elderly) which to me is batshit crazy. Oh, and calling him "mate", which makes me cringe. I don't think it would help to say anything though so I'll just take a step back for now and try to connect with him more when our paths cross, albeit not through buying "stuff" but talking. I do feel sad in a way that the kids won't see each other as much as they do have fun together most of the time. But no, he isn't influencing them in a very good way. I feel like I can't do very much for him but I can for them so that's what I'll focus on.