Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Honestly... what would you do?

18 replies

newmummy27 · 03/05/2008 22:54

Hi
I posted a couple of weeks ago when i was at rock bottom sat with tablets in my hand on my own and wanted to end it all. I have a beautiful 6 month old son. I am 31, been married 3 years but with my husband for 10 years. I do have PND and am going to a support group for that. the thing is i beleive the PND is due to the realtionship i have with my husband and mum and unresolved childhood issues which seem to have come flooding back causing me lots of anger towards my mother for leaving me with my dad when i was 13 and going to a younger man. she continually puts me down, makes me feel guily and uses emotional blackmail and refuses to listen. i had an argument with her tonight and told her to get out of my house she came to see my son and completely ignored husband and me, even when i said she was and hoow it made me feel. she is just not there for me. i have had no support from her and feel very angry. :-(
husband and i, well.. i am think i have married the wrong person. we go out do the family things, but i cant talk to him,dont enjoy spending time with him, no sex since i got pregnant, dont kiss. nothing. surely i am worth more than this. i work so hard and always have done and now realise that i am atually a nice person and very confident when not around mum or husband. i dont know what to do. i look at other dads, i daydream about meeting someone who is a soulmate, i find myself looking at other men imagining. i feel so devestated. i dont now the way forward

OP posts:
SmugColditz · 03/05/2008 22:56

Can you afford to go to private counceling? YOu sound like you would really benefit from some.

littlewoman · 03/05/2008 22:58

Why do you think you have married the wrong person, Newmummy? Is he unkind to you, or do you just not fancy him anymore?

newmummy27 · 03/05/2008 23:04

no he isnt unkind. i am sure he would be the perfect man for someone else. dont really fancy and cant have a flowing conversation. doesnt make me feel special.he annoys me i feel embarrassed when we go out, it is as if he is unaware of anyone around us. he is very shy, very intelligent but not a lot of life experience. in fact sometimes i feel sorry for him. what have i done.

OP posts:
Flowernat · 03/05/2008 23:04

right now you seem to have a real insight into whats going on and why.Thats a tough one about your mum...it will wear you down if someone,especially your mum,continually puts you down and uses emotional stuff on you.If you have a 6 mnth old as well no matter how gorgeous he his your going to need a bit of support because it takes alot.I'm not suprised you feel angry and frustrated with things.Even just from this little snippet you posted i can understand a little bit of why...Course you deserve all that you say.Its good that you know that...Even though it opens the obvious question where do you start?!! I've been there in someways...

Flowernat · 03/05/2008 23:07

good you found a PND support group.Got to be a good start to things....

eenybeeny · 03/05/2008 23:10

I dont know what to say but I wanted to give you support. A few thoughts - you need some counselling to deal with the stuff with your Mum. I think that is the only possible solution.

As for your relationship with DH - maybe sort yourself and your PND out first and then see how you feel. You know, reevaluate then. It is possible to go through a dry patch in a marriage and maybe that is what is happening to you and you can get the passion back??? Its possible.

You can email me if you want to talk more - let me know. x

Flowernat · 03/05/2008 23:10

I know its personal but does that mean things have changed between you over time?Did you always feel like that but put it to the back of your mind?

Tortington · 03/05/2008 23:12

you need to try with your husband - try marriage councelling.

nyone else apart from your husband and your children are seondary and in the midst of PND mighn't be the best time to make life changinf decisions.

now listen, everyone else - friends who undermine you or don't support you or make you feel guilty, who take from you and rarely give. who gossip about you and make you feel down.

a mother who undermines you or don't support you or make you feel guilty, who take from you and rarely give. who gossip about you and make you feel down.

a father who...
a cousin who...
a sister, a brother who...

they don't matter

you matter. give yourself the courtesy of remembering that and don't entertain people who don't treat you how you should be treated. Becuase you need to cultivate the good things and thoughts and experiences in you life right now, they will help you get past a proportion of rubbishness with your dh

that isn't so easy when your mother or father. Sister or brother. Friend or other relative is making life harder.

good luck
try relate

Flowernat · 03/05/2008 23:18

custardo - in a nutshell,well done.

newmummy27 · 03/05/2008 23:18

flowernat, i think you have hit the nail on the head. maybe i kept thinking and hoping things would click when we got married..then had family.. i now cant believe how stupid i have been. BUT, a huge leap forward, i have started believing in myself, trusting myself and know i need to be there for my son. i love him so much, but sometimes things get clouded by pnd and things which are going on. i have met some lovely mums and am definately seeing life from a different angle.

OP posts:
newmummy27 · 03/05/2008 23:22

i have found it very hard to trust in women, because of my mothers attitudes and influences. now i cant beleive there is another side of it all. i am standing up to her, she doesnt control me anymore and it feels great

OP posts:
Flowernat · 03/05/2008 23:23

newmummy your last message is really positive.You have to start from there.Its a real shock when you suddenly (or slowly) get insight into your life,whats going on,why or whatever!its like mist clearing and you can't believe you haven't seen it like that before.glad you've met some lovely mums.Got to be good.You'll get through allsorts with good friends.

newmummy27 · 03/05/2008 23:23

thanks custardo, you are right, sometimes i just need to be reminded.

OP posts:
Flowernat · 03/05/2008 23:26

thats tough you haven't been able to trust women much because if you get to work through that now it would open up loads of friendships or even just a couple of good ones.Which could be all the support you need (alongside support group/counselling).well done.glad your getting strength from moving a little away from usual patterns with your mum.tough stuff but well worth it.

newmummy27 · 03/05/2008 23:26

i have to go now, but will come back 2moro. fowernet, you're right and its very scary.

OP posts:
Flowernat · 03/05/2008 23:28

loads love.good to talk xx

Pheebe · 04/05/2008 08:41

Just a thought...you talk alot about how he makes you feel (or doesn't) but what do you do for him? its incredibly difficult to live with someone who has depression let alone PND. could it be the fall out from this that is making him draw back from you?

hls · 04/05/2008 09:05

You say that you are confident when your mum and husband aren't around- do you feel undermined by them?

Could you SAY what you want from them? in other words, take control of your life again?

For instance, don't allow your mum to come and visit you- and make you feel angry- if you don't want her to- she doesn't have a right to walk into your home! Being a mum puts our own mother/daughter relationship into the spotlight- you need to get that resolved,with counselling, of at least along, honest talk with your mum- on your terms, at the time you choose, at the place you choose. Be the adult- and say you want to talk to her and that the past has to be put behind- and that your relationship can carry on- but only if you both agree to changes.

Don't have people in your life you make you feel bad- either cut them out, or only carry on the relationship on your terms.

Your husband- ask yourself:

Why did you marry him? You were together for a LONG time before you married- did you marry 'cos it seemed the next step? Or you were afraid to be on your own? Did conversation flow then?

what's changed?

can you get back to what was good?

When you say that you don't kiss, are you rejecting him, or are you waiting for him to make the moves? Ditto the conversation - are you offering anything in terms of conversation?

Has it occurred to you that he might feel isolated too as a result of the baby and that you seem to be completely pre-occupied with how YOU feel- and not how he might feel?

I think you need to be honest and ask if the relationship was ever any good- and if it was, how can you make it better. Or- was it a mistake- and now you feel tied with the baby and the shortcomings of this man in your eyes, has really hit home, as you ar enow a family- and you can't walk away as if you were on your own.

Be honest with yourself. Seek help to do with your Mum- you've got a lot of emotions to work through.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread