I’m having an affair. Should I leave

[LaceyLou42]

A lot of complex emotions have been going on and I feel like I don’t know my own mind anymore. I have been with DH since we were teenagers, now in our early 30s. We have a son. For almost 3 years I’ve been unhappy because he’s had regular outbursts where he has been nasty verbally, could possibly be emotional abuse. I also don’t find him attractive anymore and have stupidly began an affair. I have recently expressed how unhappy I am and I have discussed the option of splitting (but the affair remains a secret and telling him is not an option due to his unstable mental state). He says the nastiness is from not feeling wanted. The nasty “spells” have worsened. I am torn because I know we have drifted and needs are not being met on either side. I do love him, just perhaps not in love. I worry about regretting leaving but also worry about regretting staying when I don’t feel like we are right for each other right now. At the same time I feel I’d be throwing a lot away (time invested, family life, financial security). If anybody has been through this please reply.

It’s not supposed to be this hard. Leave and live a life that makes you happy.

What does your affair partner want you to do? Is it an exit affair? You're not being fair on your husband, shagging someone else, and letting him believe he's the one doing something wrong. Your reasons for staying in a miserable marriage aren't good enough. Separate, sort out your finances, make sure your child is the most important person in the arrangements made, then live life as a single woman for a while.

Yes, having read your previous threads you should. You both deserve to be with people who make you happy and who respect you. You don't respect your dh, especially when you know he's struggling with his mental health and previously said it would kill him if you cheated and still went on to do it. Also sounds like he hasn't been treating you great so best to end it all round, especially for the sake of your child.

People never recover from affairs they can be incredibly damaging . Let him find someone who wants him

End the affair now and use your energies instead on getting rid of your abusive husband by divorcing him. Get support from Women’s Aid and seek legal advice re divorce asap. Make your and your son’s welfare the number 1 priority now, not either man.

Do not get bogged down in your sunk costs; all this about throwing a lot away is the sunk costs fallacy and that basically causes you to make poor relationship decisions.

The other man is a mere distraction and in addition has also taken advantage of your current vulnerable state.

Regular episodes of verbal abuse, and nasty spells is not something to be tolerated for the sake of the time you've already invested.

You know what you need to do, this won't be an isolated affair, and then you'll be back to loves young dream with your DH, it's on it's way out and your job is to manage it as reasonably as possible for all of you.

You're playing with fire, but you know this. See a solicitor, find out where you stand financially and start making some sensible choices. An affair is making your situation worse, not better, you need a clear head to do what you're going to do.

Leave while you still have a choice in the matter.

But own your affair.

It seems like everyone who cheats on their partner, tends to blame them.

@AttilaTheMeerkat has given good advice. I would suggest you take it. Make a positive change.

@LaceyLou42, I recall your 12/12 thread about being abused and contemplating an affair, and I’ve now read your subsequent threads. Although you received excellent advice to reject adultery and make an exit plan, you are currently doing yourself, your child, and your H a great disservice.

Your H has emotionally/verbally abused you for years now. His vicious anger and devaluation have become the norm in your home. He is also harming your little son by shouting at you in his presence. You warned him in December that you were thinking of leaving. He declared that this shock was the wake-up call he needed, yet his nasty cruelty has continued. He is not going to change.

You have now chosen to complicate this train wreck by cheating on your H and son. This was a destructive move and a self-sabotaging one. You previously stated that there are no mutual feelings between you and the OM, and he is not relationship material. You have stolen H’s agency, exacerbated your turmoil, and further destabilized your child’s life for pure lust and illicit ego thrills. Your sneaky infidelity is not the answer. It is actually a form of abuse. And if OM has a partner, you are also helping to harm her.

Take positive action to protect yourself and your child, @LaceyLou42. Cut off the affair immediately and file for divorce. Your son is absorbing a toxic relationship model. Is this the example you want him to follow — to learn to be an abuser or a victim?