Very hurt - a real step back for me

[lovenotwar149]

No contact with y parents b/c of their toxic and abusive behaviour. Since Dec '23 I have resumed contact with my elderly parents, a once a month visit for about an hour. I went every month last yr except May. (That one I missed b/c of manipulative lies) Dec '24 just gone my husband had heart surgery and my father has not said a word to me about it. No call/msg at all and he's quite capable of calling even at his age for example when he has wanted to ask for things, and in the past not even that long ago for shouting/abusing me down the phone. I last visited Nov '24.
Of course the relationship is strained, but the consistent once a month visits became 'acceptable' let say.They knew NOT to talk about certain topics with me due to the boundaries I have put in place.
My mum has sent caring msgs and has called asking how my husband/her son in law is. They have known him for over 30 yrs.
As I said I did visit Nov '24 last, prob the middle of Nov or roundabouts but at the very end of Nov was my dad's 90th bday and I didnt attend their house for that family gathering. There was no say I was going twice in a month and I consciously didnt want to make my visit that month for the bday gathering as some family members that were attending were people I absolutely didnt want to see.
I cant help feeling that my dad not contacting me /saying absolutely nothing re my hubby's heart surgery is punishment for my absence on the occasion, or just punishment for the stance I have taken. He's really shown his true colours to me.
I cant see myself visiting them again now. Any thoughts?

It depends what you're trying to achieve. You know your parents are toxic which is why you maintain (excellent) boundaries with them.

Even though our parents are dysfunctional, many people still want them in their lives. In order to do that, you have to lower your expectations and remain realistic.

Your dad could be punishing you or he could have assumed you knew that your mum was sending you messages and he didn't think he had to.

You seem very sensitive to their behaviour and if you want them in your life, may do better to disengage so their behaviour doesn't bother you so much.

Yes I'm very sensitive to their behaviour.Thanks for your reply

I would assume that any messages coming from your mum are coming on behalf of both of them, and anything you say about your partner is being told to your dad, so he knows and so isn’t asking.
Family toxicity is a rocky path, especially when your parents are elderly. My DH is in this situation. All you can do is what’s best for you. They are who they are no matter their age.

I don’t understand why you are so hurt. Your Mum has been in contact with, asked how your H was . I would assume that was on behalf of both parents.
I think you are overthinking this OP x

Your mum has asked after your husband. Not many, if any, people would expect their dad to then make his own separate enquiries.

Given that there appears to be a list of topics they are ‘NOT’ allowed to discuss with you due to your boundaries, he’s possibly tiptoeing around you trying to avoid putting his foot in it, as you admit yourself you are very sensitive to their behaviour.

Men very often operate through women. It doesn’t occur to them to run independent relationships, hence men losing touch with their DC when they leave the mum.

While I know you are hurt, this probably wouldn’t hurt or surprise me. My dad was a lovely man, but probably only picked up the phone half a dozen times in my entire life. And that was usually to get me to do something for mum.

I don't think my dad has ever phoned me in nearly 50 years. I'm sure my mum relays information on to him.

Thank you people for your replies...all of them. I accept the different ones to mine too. Yes men often do operate through their 'partner/wife' etc. In my marriage I have made a conscious decision to NOT do this for my husband. We have 3 adult sons living away now. Not enabling this has meant my hubby DOES now msg/call/visit each of our sons independently of me.We also go together too. It has fostered a much closer relationship with each of them on his behalf, and he agrees too.
In ref to my dad. Yes he does operate through my mum, she has enabled this very much so, she loves all information to go to her first and through her, its a control thing imo. Also my dad s capable of calling when he wants a job done and in the past (before putting in a boundary) would call/viist when he wanted to unload his problems onto me and rant to me and abuse me if he was angry...more than capable of doing this independently of my mum. Facts. I am very sensitive to their behaviour, very sensitive....for good reason.
I like to 'think' about these things very much so, it enables great reflection and helps me to stop repeating mistakes. Thank you ppl.

It’s ok to be hurt. It’s ok to know your dynamic is different from that of posters on here, that there’s history we don’t know that you’ve explained.

Remember though, there’s a reason you went low contact. Your dad is a selfish arse. Expecting him to be different because you’ve had a traumatic experience is like expecting a lion to turn down a meaty snack because he’s read he should watch his cholesterol.

Whatever the circumstances- A lion is a lion. Your dad is an arse. Sorry.

SensibleSigma

Expecting him to be different because you’ve had a traumatic experience is like expecting a lion to turn down a meaty snack because he’s read he should watch his cholesterol.

Very good point!