Please tell me I'm not crazy

[40weeksmummy]

I really need a handhold. I'm on the edge of mental breakdown.

Long story, English is not my first language but I hope you'll understand my problem.We moved to UK 9 years ago and always lived together with my IN-LAWS. We rented a house as a joined tenants. Problems started 6 years ago when my first son was born. MIL became controlling, emotionally abusive. Then she got cancer. Obviously, all my feelings towards her went to second plan, I even left my job to help her with chemotherapy, recovery, etc. Her treatment went very well, she is clear of cancer since 2020.
My second child was born 2022 and things got mad- she was gossiping that I had a child with other men , that I secretly meeting someone, etc. I spoke with my husband millions of times- he always said-"oh, she had cancer,just ignore her". In the last couple of weeks she became super abusive-screaming on me in front of my kids, calling me names, telling my kids I'm sleeping with other men.
I don't have any family in UK, just couple of friends. My parents are both very sick ,they know only 10% of my real life. However, I got some inheritance and planning to move back and divorce my husband.
I spoke with him yesterday and he was super mad, started to scream. I said that I simply can't ignore her behaviour anymore, because soon she will punch me in front of my kids. He was blaming me that I destroyed his life, I will destroy my kids life,etc.
I think I need to pack everything, take my kids and never come back to this family.
I really don't know if I'm looking for advice,opinions or plans what to do...I just need to talk with someone...

You need to leave but you need a plan first. You don't want him to know what you are planning as he could stop you and / or make you leave without your children. Please ensure you leave no online trails or evidence anywhere else regarding your plans so he doesn't find out. Could you reach out to Women's Aid?

I don't really know the laws on this in the UK so I'm just flagging this as something you should probably check - how would things stand legally with your taking your children out of the UK to live in your home country?

We don't have British nationality,only settled status. We are with Polish passports, kids too.

Thank you, I didn't tell him about inheritance or my plans, I said I want to divorce only. I'm feeling so ashamed, I really don't think I could talk with real person. It took me couple of days to create a thread here.

Is your husband English?
You need advice, and help in explaining what his and your rights are.

You could ring Citizens advice or the Samaritans, they will listen, and in the case of the CAB, can offer practical advice and phone numbers of local organisations that can help you.

Good luck.

Thank you, no, we are both Polish, from Eastern Europe.

How many years have you been together and how long have your kids been here for?
In your shoes I would say you need a break from this country and need a separation from his parents. It’s not him, it’s his parents. And say that you want to take the children home to Poland for a year, so that they can get closer to their roots. He can visit you as often and for as long as you like.
And you’ll come back when he has a house in the UK without his parents.

Get ready to leave, but don’t put it in writing anywhere or tell him that you are going permanently. You don’t need to make that decision now, and telling him that this is in the back of your mind will not help you.

OK, well the organisations I mentioned can help.
It must be a frightening time for you, please get advice.

What you are experiencing from your mother in law is domestic violence. Cancer is no excuse.

We are 13 years together and both kids were born in UK.

Cancer (she is free from it)- is excuse for her, for my husband and FIL. She is untouchable because she was sick.

If you spoke to an expert in domestic violence they would disagree with your husband on this. It’s your home too, and your children’s.

Have you ever heard of The Hague convention? It’s a law.
If you try to go back to Poland against your husband’s wishes he can claim - using this law - that you are trying to kidnap the children, and can ask a court to stop you going away, which a court will do. Because if the children are here and have only known here they are seen by a court to be settled here. This often happens in domestic violence cases too. Sad to say.

This is why you are better off talking to your husband about a temporary move to Poland than to pull them out without his knowledge. Assuming he would stop you or would come after you of course.

The other option is to speak to a women’S charity and potentially ask to go to a domestic refuge here, and work out a plan while you are there.

You are in a heavily controlled set-up. Your wishes are being walked all over. It’s not good for you.

OP, you can’t just pack up your kids and take them back home. Ad they’re residents of this country and so is their father, it’d be illegal. You could also be asked for parental consent letter when crossing the border (although I’ve only ever been asked this on the way back to the UK). I think Women’s Aid would be good to contact, they have a chat option as well.

Try the EERC, they provide advice to people from Eastern Europe on a range of issues. You can email if you can't phone.

I travelled alone with both kids at least 10 times . Not a single person asked me about their dad or his permission for me to take kids. I never had problems with any flight to/from EU/UK.

https://www.opoka.org.uk
Give these people a call. Please don’t feel nervous calling them, this is what they do and why they exist: to help Polish women living with abuse.