Dh dad has months to live. How best to support him when our marriage is breaking down?

[Littlehouse01]

Background: Dh and I married 22 years with grown up 2 dc. We’ve been really happy until the last 18 months when it’s been very difficult between us. He became really good friends with a female colleague and I got upset as there was lots of messaging. He is and has always been faithful, it wasn’t flirty but it was the closeness between them that I’ve been struggling with. Felt I was almost being replaced - I’m going through perimenopause so emotionally a bit of an insecure wreck at times. He cut down the messaging a bit but we’ve both said things neither of us can forget.
That’s the background. A month ago we heard that his lovely dad has terminal cancer and it’s now a matter of months. It’s incredibly sad and I know I need to put my energies into supporting my dh through this. I feel selfish just typing this. I’m completely failing in being what he needs and we had a horrible episode this weekend when he said he’d told her about his dad (despite hardly telling many other friends at all) I got upset imagining her being there for him not me (yes, I know - paranoid) I tried unsuccessfully to hide the tears and he said he can’t deal with this anymore and I need to get my priorities sorted and that if I carry on like this even now, then we’re over.
How can I help him, what can I do? What helps someone going through this? And - how do I squash down all the feelings when I see him messaging to her?

Why do you need to support him in this? It sounds like he is seeking all the support he needs with the ow.
There is a phrase called “ruthless compassion” - ie you can be kind and courteous to others without losing sight of your own needs. Your marriage sounds intolerable - focus on changing this (by leaving, presumably as it sounds like he has no intention of giving up this other ‘friendship’

He wants his OW to support him so let him go to her for that. I would also suggest DH moves in with his father to offer practical and emotional support during his last few weeks.

During this time you get the peace and quiet to do some deep reflection on whether this man is worth losing your self worth/esteem over. I can give you a clue - no man who tries to emotionally blackmail you is worth keeping.

Possibly seek some counselling to help you work through this complex situation. He doesn't get the right to behave how he likes, simply because he's Dad is dying.
He's told you to work on your priorities - take him at his word (he's basically getting you to take the blame should the marriage collapse).
Presumably you are more than willing to support him but not if he's continuing to be so closely involved with his female colleague.
Do things that strengthen you and support his parents best you can but don't become a doormat to his demands.

I tried unsuccessfully to hide the tears and he said he can’t deal with this anymore and I need to get my priorities sorted and that if I carry on like this even now, then we’re over.

Sounds to me like this is the perfect ammunition for him to finally leave and pin all the blame on you.

Umm....he can't deal with what anymore?
It sounds as if he added an emotional relationship to his working one, you objected to that, he didn't do anything about that (or did a token amount that he can point to but didn't actually address the main problem behaviour, because he actually wants to keep the additional relationship depth), and now he wants you to shut up about it despite nothing having actually significantly changed or been resolved?
Can't deal with you calling him out on not having stepped back because he doesn't want to, because it makes him look bad/like your distress is his fault (because it is)!

The fact he’s told this other woman and not many other people, shows what she means to him. He’s then very rude to you when you dare to have a reaction to him telling her.

As a pp said he seems to be getting support from her, you shouldn’t have to compete with that.

You've done nothing wrong here and he is a shit to use his fathers terminal illness as an excuse to behave as appallingly as he wants to.
I think he should also fuck off to his fathers house and take care of him, leave him to it op he has already checked out, sorry.

If you heard a month ago about his Dad, but him telling his friend this weekend, have you supported him in way way for the 3 weeks between?

Thanks for your replies. The problem is that he honestly doesn’t see anything wrong with having this female friend, that messaging each other in the same way as he does his male friends is completely normal and I’m the one who is being totally unreasonable. He says nothing has happened and nothing will. And my response to something innocent (she’s happily married apparently) means I’m the one who is destroying this marriage. I hold my hands up that I’ve been very over emotional and irrationally upset about this. I just can’t get past the fact that I find it really upsetting that he continues to do what he knows upsets me.
A few messages seem so irrelevant compared to his dad dying. I just don’t want to look back in a year and he and his family who I’m close to, sees me as someone who wasn’t there for him. He told me that he’s starting to see me as someone he can’t talk to about all this because he feels watched and monitored. But I also hurt a lot too.

do you get on with his dad? If so, support his father as you would have done anyway. Then work out how you want to move on with your dh. But being over emotional helps no-one, least of all yourself.

I don't think your being unreasonable and I would feel the same in your situation,

However. Let's assume he's being honest and it is simply a friendship. There is a difference between a friendship and a romantic relationship.

Maybe the focus should be on your relationship and ensuring that the two of you remain close during this period.

If he openly shares his messages with her then perhaps there is less to worry about,

I have lost both my parents - both very young. I would never have used their ill health or death as an excuse to mistreat my husband. What he's doing is cruel, and he clearly knows he can manipulate you. I think you should give him no excuse to blame you, but plan your own exit. Show concern for his dad but minimise any concern for him and certainly do not mention this ow. Don't let him destroy you. Get on with building your own life, and don't allow him to ask you too many questions. Get your confidence back. You deserve to be treated with love.

He won’t let me see their messages but he says he wouldn’t do that with anyone’s. He says they are completely innocent but they would still upset me because they have done in the past.
It’s true, the fact she’s messaging - perhaps a link to a book he’d like or a funny gif which has upset me because they’ve been at work that day but she still sends him stuff. I so wish it didn’t but it does.

Op my dp has a female friend like this too and I've told him I consider it cheating
Our relationship is very much on the rocks and I'm not sure I see a future in it
There is a difference between friendships and inappropriate contact and having respect for your own relationship and spouse
You dh has crossed a line

I have a number of friends who are female (I am male) and actually, find that a couple of them would (and were during divorce) my goto ahead of closer friends I had known for longer. I just found their perspective different and was able to open up more.

Maybe some guys do, but not all of us will jump in bed with a friend.

My GF will meet a couple of male friends for lunch and message. One she actually met while OLD before me but were just friends. Another she has known since primary school. I feel solid in our relationship so dont find it an issue. Likewise with a female friend I meet up with occasionally who I did have a thing with over 25 years ago and who we lost contact for around 20 years.

So it could easily be just a friendship, but if your relationship is on the rocks then understandable you feel threatened. I know when my marriage was ending I was very jealous and suspicious of any blokes my wife was messaging.

the OPs 2nd to last post before this sums it up.

The problem is that he honestly doesn’t see anything wrong with having this female friend, that messaging each other in the same way as he does his male friends is completely normal and I’m the one who is being totally unreasonable. He says nothing has happened and nothing will. And my response to something innocent (she’s happily married apparently) means I’m the one who is destroying this marriage

Spin this around and imagine this was reversed - a guy asking about his wife, would the advice still be the same?

Yeah, I wouldn't be falling over myself to support a man who's acting this way.

You also need support. You love your FIL and he is family to you. Does DH acknowledge this?

The next few months will be tough. You need to reflect, as pp said, on what you want and need. That will include being a support to DH and FIL but also being with all the family, for your own sake.

So this reflective mode might help. Give yourself credit, don't blame it on perimenopause/"over" emotion/yourself.
He seems to be close with this woman and that's damaging your marriage. You've made this clear to him.

He's making the choice to continue with her.
He's then turning it on you by saying your marriage is over if you continue to be sad about his deep friendship which is affecting your marriage.

I think be with the family, be with FIL. Reflect. Maybe take some time to truly consider the relationship and your own mental health - maybe with a counsellor? Create a little emotional distance, a safety zone for yourself. I don't think your H will make any changes or offer reassurance at this time.

In this time you may see more of what you think is happening, he's detaching from you. This might continue to pain you or become more acceptable. Something else may develop, your relationship might strengthen, it may fade because of other reasons.

Give yourself time. Be kind and present with FIL and family. I would say one time in a short serious conversation to DH that this friendship impacts your relationship and he seems to be distant but that at this time the family is priority and you're part of it, so there needs not be discussion about this friend and that you're there for him. You don't have to say any more than that.

I'm sorry you're going through this OP.

I’m also sorry you are going through this.

It is so sad for him that his father is dying, but I really don’t like the way he’s using this to weaponise against you and as an excuse to continue with this woman. You should be growing closer, and yet he is playing the blame game and putting you in the position where if you have a problem with it he pulls out the ‘my dad is dying how could you do this at this time’ card.

I think you should have ONE really clear conversation with him, don’t excuse it as you being over emotional etc (you are not!), in fact don’t excuse it in any way. I’d say this is the last time you’ll say this before leaving, if he values your marriage at all he will never contact this woman again (send her a message explaining it’s damaging his marriage) and he needs to look for a new job (maybe after a period of time after his fathers passing), but contact needs to stop immediately. Be clear that if it doesn’t, you WILL leave before the end of the year. Don’t mention it again, cause he’ll just turn it on you, be a lovely supportive wife in the meantime (so difficult but give it your all) but DO leave after things settle if he continues. He cannot then say you didn’t warn him.

It is unpopular on here, but I don’t think men and women should be close friends, message outside work etc, especially if not a long standing friendship pre marriage. It’s just too much of a grey area.

I don’t like the sound of this OP. I think you need to really put your foot down and give him the ultimatum, and really mean it. Gather your inner strength and courage.

He is putting her before you currently, and you have nothing more to lose by putting your foot down. It may work, it may not, but it’s the only thing that might work at this point.

He's having an emotional affair, threatening you with its over like he is a prize.

He's buying time OP to get a established relationship with OW then he's out of there if caught.

It's fairly normal in work for colleagues to become. Friends and message each other regardless of gender. It's your insecurity making this issue. Maybe meet the person in a social setting to put your mind at rest and until this can happen put it to the back of your mind to support your husband .

If this messaging of another woman matters to you, and if you matter to him, he needs to take this into account, discuss and adjust his behaviour to one you BOTH agree to. Simple as that. Bereavement or no bereavement.

@electricpeach
is unpopular on here, but I don’t think men and women should be close friends, message outside work etc, especially if not a long standing friendship pre marriage. It’s just too much of a grey area.

THIS

read Shirley Glass 'Not just friends ' excellent book.
And while I have male friends I rarely text.
Make no bones about it, this is taking from the marriage and is damaging it - and then he's blaming the op.

( cake and eat it spring to mind)

If my dh asked me to stop doing something because it was hurting him, I would stop.