Regretting breaking up

[Fruilano]

I have split up my partner of 10 years a month or so ago. Things had really broken down, we were both being quite snippy to each other, resentful and taking each other for granted. I was annoyed with him a lot as I felt he didn't appreciate anything I do and turns out vice versa for him. We both took on very different household roles with me doing more of the cleaning and day to day while he took on more DIY (old house), cleaning cars, gardening etc. if I asked him to help me he always would but I just felt he shouldn't need to be asked. Our communication had broken down so issues never got resolved and I felt we were against each other rather than working as a team. He agreed.

Anyway during the breaking up we had a lot of very honest conversations. I decided to move out for space and we were both upset as we both love each other but it just wasn't working. It is early days but I feel like having the space from the day to day has helped me to somewhat realise why I fell in love with him again and that all the things we were mad about could hopefully be fixed. I think we need space to learn to communicate better as a team, appreciate each other and stop taking our bad days out on one another. He really wants us to see how things go with the view of me moving back in a few months if things are going well. I was unsure initially but all I want right now is to go home. Is this madness or could it possibly work out? Everyone I know knows we have broken up so feel they will judge but also want to make the decision that makes me happy.

Personally I don’t think a month is long enough. There is a danger you would just end up back where you were.

Oh OP what a shame, it sounds like these issues were definitely fixable? Sometimes I do think it takes a break up to appreciate what you have, were you both happy in the relationship aside from the thing you mentioned? Could you put strategies/conversations in place to address issues before they have a chance to escalate or would you benefit from couples counselling to help facilitate these conversations and communication in a healthy way? On a side note don't let other people's opinions influence your decision, the people that truly care for you will want you to be happy and respect your decisions

Yeah I have said to him that if we do reconcile that I would need a few months before I agreed to move back though

I think so. I think a big issue is that we both weren't happy and would speak to each other pretty badly. I'd let it all build up on my side and didn't see how I was also acting to him in return. It had gotten very toxic I think. But I do feel on both sides we have realised what we had and he is willing to do anything to fix things. He's happy to go to couples counselling too although that would need to wait until we lived together as both our monthly bills are too high now. I feel like I have wasted a lot of money by moving out but I do think if I hadn't we would have broken up anyway as nothing would have changed, if that makes sense. I also moaned about him a lot to friends and family at the very end which I feel hasn't done me any favours if we do reconcile. But I guess we all do stuff like that when things aren't great

Why do you think that after 10 years, things would be different if you got back together?

You had a relationship with a man who couldn't be bothered to pull his weight and didn't listen to you or appreciate you.

You told him for ten years what you needed and he didn't listen. He appreciates you now because he has to cook his own dinners, wash his own clothes and has lost his foot rest.

Have you thought about seeing a relationship counsellor? Saw one with my DH when communication broken down and it really really helped. Only had three sessions over six weeks but it sorted everything out, that was a few years

Yes that would be the plan if we do reconcile so we can communicate better. That's great it really helped for your marriage, that gives me a bit of hope