Has anyone got back together with an ex after a very long split and made it work?

[confusedmamma]

This is a bit complicated so I will try to keep it simple! I went out with my first love for nearly 5 years way back in the early 80's. I went off to university and dumped him with barely a backward glance. We were young, I wanted to travel, experience new things etc etc. 23 years on and I was coming out of a really miserable marriage and we had just decided to separate for good. Pissed one night and having a surely someone loved me once evening, I found him on friends reunited and we got in touch and ended up seeing each other off and on for th last year. So much, so cliched.
The problem is, that it all goes well for a while and then we end up behaving like teenagers, storming off, mind games, misunderstandings. It seems as if we're stuck in perpetual teenagehood. Has anyone else had this experience. Have you managed to come through it? Opinions please? We're not seeing each other at the moment after a particularly stormy row, but we probably will see each other again as this is a bit of a pattern.

Unfortunately you probably are a bit doomed as a couple. I only went back to someone once and it wasn't that long a gap but you seem to have hit the nail on the head - you are stuck in the same routine of reactions you had as teenagers and it's unlikely you'll get out of it because you've learned how each other reacts and how to get a rise out of each other.

Sorry.

Thanks for that whomovedmychocolate. The problem is that all the passion of teenagehood is there as well. I had always been incredibly nostalgic about teenage sex, putting it down to hormones, randiness and it all being new. I was wrong there because we are both in our forties, past our prime in the looks department yet the sex has been briliant. It's a shame the rest didn't work out. What happened to you?

Oh you know the usual, thought someone was very special and worth another chance - he wasn't. But am happily married for the second time now and new people are better because you meet someone who is right for who you are now, rather than who you were!

BTW if you are after the whole teenage sex thing, perhaps you should go to an adult school disco night thing or a 70s/80s nostalgia night.

Would an honest chat clear the air? You didn't split up all those years back due to incompatibility- more that you weren't ready- so what's changed?

IMO the passion can still be there, but it's got to be the right time in both your lives, with you both wanting the same thing. That is, you are both available and ready for the relationship, and prepared to give it a go.

How long have you been back in contact- and how long does it last before you row?

If you feel there is potential, then I'd say stick with it- but both of you need to behave like adults and learn to compromise or talk over the differences you are having, rather than storming off!

Are the rows over silly stuff- or big things like life values and philosophy of life?

The sex might or might not last, but there has to be more to the relationship than memories and great sex.

Hope this helps!

Thanks for the suggestion about the school disco thing. I've got virgin classics on in the background. Maybe I'm just an old saddo stuck in the past!! How long did you stay with your ex? This has been quite lengthy but very on and off. We get on absolutely fantastically face to face but all this new technology seems to bring out very old habits. I know I should let it go but I'm finding it hard. I don't know how to meet new people either, so out of practice. I haven't been single since I was 28. I'm half a SAHM and half working in all female unvironment, a catholic all girls school for my sins !!!!

Just one more thought- you said he was your first love, but you went off to uni and dumped him without a backward glance- did you REALLY love him then? Or had you outgrown him, and uni was the excuse you needed to break away?

I think you have to look deep into your heart and ask if there is enough there to try to make it work, or if this is just a pleasant trip down memory lane, when you are feeling low and finding it hard to meet other people.

Than you his, you are very perceptive. Yes partly I had out-grown him, we'd been together since Iwas 15 and we split up just before I turned 20. I thought about this too when we first met up, but our core personalities, our senses of humour, our way of seeing the world and our attitudes had not really changed. Our mothers are best friends and he has a photo of our great grandmothers together, so our shared history is huge. After we split up he went completely off the rails for a few years, but has really done well for himself in recent years.
As for the arguements, they all seem to follow a basic pattern,. Everything is fine and then he suddenly becomes distant, not returning texts for a few days and cooling off. When we talk he says he's protecting himself, doesn't want to get too hurt in case it goes wrong again etc etc. The last row was because he was talking about looking for jobs near me, we live about 100 miles from each other at the moment. This would have meant giving up a really fantastic job, moving to a city where he knew no-one apart from me and most inportantly, moving further away from his daughter from a previous relationship. After talking about this he suddenly cooled off, I cmpletely lost my temper because of all this hot and cld stuff and now we're not in touch. Madness.

I do feel for you- hot and cold is so frustrating.

If you step outside yourself and see it from his point of view, what can you see? A woman you loved, who could love you again, but who hurt you badly.

It looks as if he is torn two ways- wanting to give himself to the relationship, but knowing it is a risk.

You have to be a sure as you can over what you want, if you want to pursue this. Could you begin it again, and not dump him? Are you serious, if he is?

The only advice I can give is to play the long game- still see each other, but take it slowly. See what happens. It will either move forward or back- as all relationships do. Maybe don't talk about the future and moving- just enjoy the dates if you can, and see how it goes.

I have been on the OTHER side- I could have had a 2nd chance with someone, but I wasn't sure. I hung back and he met someone else. I will never know if that was right- but at the time I was married with 2 young children- he had hurt me very badly- broken off an engagement- and I felt deep down that I'd always be on the back foot of the relationship if I got involved again. Maybe your ex feels like that?

thanks his, yes maybe he does. The problem is we were very volatile when we were younger and this time round I have been desperately trying to suppress that side of me, but this last time I really let rip and delivered a complete character assassination by e-mail. I can see it from his point of view, he could easily give up a lot to move near me and then I could end it all again. I was furious and vicious, but apologised straight way, but he's still angry with me and that was 3 months ago !!!
Thanks for your advice I will play the long gane, give him some space and see what happens. it's definitely not a nostalgia thing though, I'm convinced of that.

I hope it works out for you- whatever you want. one last thought- this is not a criticism- but YOU were the one to contact him- this might have taken him by surprise, and although he feels a lot for you, he still worries over being hurt. In his mind, he might never have got over being dumped- and he doesn't want that again.

I was in love with my ex, but knew he had the power to devastate me again- and with 2 young kids in tow, it was too risky. It was not an easy choice.

Ultimately, he has to decide if he can take a risk with you.

Maybe you should keep saying sorry, that you miss him, and that you want to stay in touch?

Best of luck!

Blimey! Much as I've spoken about this to my mates, it's MN that's really coming up with the goods!!! It's very hard to see things from someone else's point of view when you're so embroiled in it all. We all feel velnerable starting a relationship, I tool all his coolings off as a personal rejection and hadn't really seen things from his perspective. Thanks.