Nice guy but many issues

[Gosia8787]

Hello ladies,
I hope you are all well.

I am here today for advice.

I came out of toxic and abusive marriage after 16 years and have been single for a year. I signed up to match.com in October just to see whats the dating scene like and met a nice guy. We very quickly connected on emotional level. Same likes and dislikes. Same sense of humour and cheekiness and the guy is highly emotionally intelligent. He is very respectful , he knows I have busy lifestyle and what I have been through. He understands I am a mum to two girls ages 15 and 5 and never pushes me for anything as he understands my lifestyle.

Physically I dont find him too attractive as he is very small , about 5,5 and I am 5'2 but being through extremley violent marriage I now know it is not about the looks. I met him briefly on one occasion and even though we were outdoors I smelled terrible odour from his mouth. Initially I thought it was because he came from work and perhaps he didnt not eat. It was bad but I suppose it can happen to anyone. We met the second time and the odour was still there , on this occasion he tried to kiss me and we were together for longer but the smell was deadly. I brought it up with him questioning it with him as maybe he had problems with his teeth or sinusus and he does. he had his adenoids and tonsils removed and he is struggling with bad breath. He took it nicely and started working on his breath. the smell is still there but a big improvement .

He is nice and gentle guy with big heart.

He was born at 5.5 months old and I can see physically wise he was affected by this. His eye movement is weird and coordination problems as well. I wont reject him for this as emotionally and intellectually he is there.

Relationship was getting better between us and I started to develop love for him. We started to talk about sex and our fantasies . After few casual dates we met in a hotel to spend time together and possible sex.

On the day everythign was fine, we get on extremley well. He was well aware that I dont use contraception and I am very fertile , he reassured me we will use pull out method. We both tested for Stds which he didnt have a problem with either. I felt safe in that sense.

We started to have sex and few minutes in I realised he wasnt hard and my vagina was all covered in sperm. He came inside of me without realising. He was really bad at sex. He basically put it inside of me and didnt even move I think it is something to do with his coordination problems from being born premature.

THis is another matter but what was shocking is that he came inside of me. When I questioned him he said he came but just a little bit.. he was giving me stupid answers which made me very angry.

OUr weekend together was done at this point. IN the morning I went to get morning after pill and he was very apologetic and crying.

I dont think i want to carry on with the relationship. I was forced to have abortion 3 times under threats by my ex husband. NOw I worry if I am pregnant I will need to go through this again. ITs very traumatic for me. Perhaps I know i wasnt entireley responsible but I made it clear to him I dont use contraception of any kind.

Now I dont know what to do.. first of all the odour, then the physical aspect , then the sex and then there ir broken trust.

On emotional level we connected 100 % , we get on well. he is someone I would want as my future husband as he is carrying and thoughtful and loves children and is very respectful apart of this one accident.

What would you do my dear ladies if you were in my shoes?

I dont want to reject someone for their looks and few other things althought coming inside of me was serious to me.

There are so many perverts and sick guys out there and I dont get anything like that from him . I am not sure whether this will work....

Please let me know your thoughts.

THank you everyone and have a lovely day.

Mate, just focus on yourself for now. I agree with joining the freedom program and seeking counselling. You're extremely vulnerable at the moment, not a good time to be on dating apps. Having strong boundaries and high expectations will be especially important for you as you were abused. You don't need to justify not continuing a relationship with any man either, just not being into him or attracted to him is reason enough.

If you are having sex with anyone though, you must use a condom. You don't know what a new boyfriend has or who else he is having sex with. Please take good care of yourself.

You can’t be sexually active and use no contraception unless you want to get pregnant. It’s just not a sustainable set up.

You need to not have PIV sex or use a method of contraception. Especially considering your past experiences with traumatic circumstances surrounding terminations.

Your description of him turns my stomach and likely your own as well. Throw him back he’s not the only nice guy in the world. Shudder.

Sweetheart, do you understand that contraception isn't just about not getting pregnant, it's about not contracting an STI too? Lots of STIs can go undetected by someone so they might not realise they have one. Please don't do this again, people contract lifelong STIs every day, it's not just something that happens to other people.

This can't be real...

There are so many perverts and sick guys out there

Indeed.

You do know it's absolutely fine to be single.

I’m reading this, and I am honestly floored. Not one thing you’ve said indicates you find this man attractive—not one. Then there’s the bad breath—bad enough that even he knows about it—and yet, he did nothing? No gum, no mints, nothing to address it? That alone is wild to me.

But the real question is: how did you even get to the point of being intimate with him? I’m genuinely trying to wrap my head around it. How did you get past all of this? How did you even want to? This is mind-boggling.

And then there’s the unprotected sex. Really? I don’t even know where to start with that.

You say he’s a “nice guy.”—“nice” isn’t enough. You know what else is nice? A comfortable chair. That doesn’t mean you’re going to date one. Let this be a wake-up call. Stop seeing him and focus on sorting yourself out after your past relationship.

You shouldn't be having sex if you refuse to use contraception

OP - I know a year of being single might sound long enough however it takes many people a lot longer than they think to be in the right headspace to date again and after a long abusive marriage, you will probably need more time to work on yourself and get happy on your own skin

You are doing what is typical of someone who has come out of a long abusive relationship, you are people pleasing to the detriment of yourself and you are justifying it by trying to think of reasons why you owe him that.

You really need to stay single for a long, long time and do the freedom program. Don't look at it as punishment that you can't date right now, look at it as a reward for yourself. You are putting all your effort inte becoming a well functioning woman again who puts herself before any man. It's very liberating once you get started, but it's clear that this process hasn't started yet for you. You are just trying to find another man to fill a void.

Are you a committed catholic Op? I can’t work out why you won’t use contraception otherwise. I can see why you might not want to use hormonal contraception if it causes you problems but I thought that everyone used condoms these days. Especially in a new relationship. So many nasty things you can catch!

Why won't you use any method of contraception?! There are lots of options.

I had my tonsils and adenoids removed when I was a child and I don't have bad breath, so that's not a good excuse from him. More likely poor dental hygiene.

If you don't use contraception, and he doesn't want to wear condoms, then you're never going to have much of a sex life. Either that or you'll continually be relying on MAP or abortions, or be overrun with kids if you're very fertile.

Poor hygiene aside, if he lasts less than 2 minutes and claims he doesn't know when he's ejaculated, then he's not a keeper.

It's better to be alone than this surely OP?

the guy is highly emotionally intelligent. He is very respectful

never pushes me for anything

OP, can you see that these things cannot possibly be true of a man who suggests sex without contraception and then comes inside you without your consent?

If he was respectful and didn't push for anything, he would have insisted on wearing a condom. He certainly wouldn't have suggested the withdrawal method knowing that he can't control himself.

To be honest, it sounds like he was a virgin.

You definitely need to have a think about treating yourself better than this. Just because you enjoy chatting with someone and they seem nice, you are not obliged to consider a relationship with them. You don't find him physically attractive. His breath stinks. He asked for sex without a condom. He told you he wouldn't come inside you and then did it anyway. He then gave you a load of bullshit about how he 'only came a little bit'.

Please, please set yourself a higher standard. You deserve a lot better than this.

The contraception issue a whole separate thing.

And I'm afraid it's on you.

It was a stupid thing to suggest / do.

I don't get the impression he was "disrespectful" not to pull out. I get the impression he was completely overwhelmed and out of his depth. He sounds like a somewhat vulnerable individual.

@Gosia8787 you sound a nice person but get a grip- you don't fancy him( not suprisingly) and he's not for you- you don't owe someone a relationship just because they are 'nice'- and more to the point don't have unprotected sex with someone you barely know

I'm really pissed off with you after reading your OP, because you care so little for yourself, entrusted your care to a stranger, and have no idea how to look after yourself or keep yourself safe. This guy sounds foul- smells foul, doesn't do it for you physically, has zero respect for you (came inside you despite you explaining how fertile you are). Please finish it with him, a message will do, then set about working out why you value yourself so little and start working on building your self respect, building some idea of what you want for yourself for your life. Forget dating for now.

This is not normal or healthy behaviour on your part. For your own wellbeing (physical and emotional) you need to get yourself into therapy (and really work at it) before you go near a man again.

You‘re not yet ready to start dating, love. Your standards are incredibly low, and not taking care of yourself regarding contraception. You‘ve gone for the first apparently nice guy you saw even though his breath stinks and you don’t find him attractive. Put yourself first, take at least another year out from dating, and get some support and counselling to help you through this.

Your whole post reads as though you pity him, but because he's nice you should try a relationship. You don't even find him attractive.
I hope you can realise how messed up that is and how vulnerable you sound.

Having unprotected sex is absolute madness. You need to look after yourself properly.

😱☹️

Please OP, you deserve better.

Take your time with the dating apps: have a bit of fun, meet lots of different people, have your share of weird first dates😄then decide what you want.

It isn't about the looks but don't feel you have to put up with short men, bad breath and bad, irresponsible sex! And definitely don't feel shy about using these (very valid!) reasons for breaking up.

I'd also be careful with the ones you connect very quickly with emotionally.. true emotional connections take time.

Please be aware, that as a single mother with two daughters you will be a target for predatory possibly paedophilic men.
Be careful, they will seem absolutely lovely at first and say they always wanted a family etc.

Take an extremely long time to introduce any men to your daughters.

They don't have to be good looking but YOU have to find them attractive.

You can not be in a relationship with someone you don't find at all attractive. It doesn't matter if the whole world finds them ugly of YOU find someone attractive then it's good. But you clearly find this man a little repulsive which I understand. I can't deal with bad smells.