Possible to stay friends?

[Drunkskunkbat]

I ended a relationship a few days ago, I think I ended it amicably but I’m not sure he sees it like that. We had been together less than a year and things just weren’t going the way I would have liked. We didn’t see each other much but messaged a lot, at times I felt we were more pen pals. When we did see each other he spent a lot of time talking about his ex (often moaning about her, she cheated on him 10 years ago) or he would be constantly messaging his adult dc, so the one day we got to spend together every 1-2 weeks I felt like I wasn’t his priority and he was busy with other things. Sex was also pretty awful as he suffered with PE and didn’t seem to want to address it.

We got on really well in a ‘friends’ kind of way, we share a few interests and I enjoyed chatting…..he just didn’t make me feel a priority when we were together. I want to stay friends and we kind of need to be friends as we need to be able to tolerate each other due to work paths crossing (we need to sit in a meeting together in a few weeks). I have no hard feelings against him, he just wasn’t relationship material. Since I ended things he hasn’t spoken to me, I’m not sure if I should attempt to message him? I have given him space for a few days since ending it. I miss chatting to him, I have been trying to keep busy and carry on with life but he was a pretty big part of it for a short time (but mainly through messaging).

Do I message him? Or do I just wait and let him message me if he wants too?

Or do I just go no contact? Which would make the work situation very awkward.

I actually had a similar situation to yours. Depending on how you guys ended, you might want to give it a few days, but me and my ex personally went out for lunch after we broke up, to have a ‘break up chat’. In it, we discussed what had gone well in our relationship and what didn’t go so well, and chatted about how we were going to move forward as friends. I’m in a band with their best friend so we inevitably cross paths, so it made sense for us to be on good terms. I should mention at this point that I am a lesbian so staying friends with your ex is way more common (so I have heard) than in the heterosexual world.

Honestly your ex sounds like kind of a dick, but if it makes practical sense for you stay friends, I might shoot him a text saying, ‘if you ever want to get coffee as friends I’m still down!’. Leaves the ball in his court, you’ve established friendly relations, nothing too intense or formal.

good luck, hope all goes well

I wouldn’t message.

Thank you. It is hard. I tried to end it as nicely as I could. I told him things just weren’t working for me and I was no longer feeling it. But he started questioning me so I told him I hadn’t felt the same since the day we spent together where he was constantly talking about his ex and glued to his phone. I told him I didn’t want to argue about it and that I just couldn’t get over the way he is when he’s supposed to be spending time with me. I had been losing interest for a few weeks and we hadn’t seen each other for several weeks….we had both been busy and neither of us really bothered to make time for each other.

I think I will send him a message later suggesting a coffee some time.

I do have friends that are ex’s but I know it doesn’t always work. I just need him not to hate me and give me awkward vibes when we need to be in a room together 😬.

I'd advise against messaging him. There isn't any need for you to be friends. Your paths may cross at work but that doesn't require friendship. A clean break, in my opinion, is best. If he suggests a coffee, then maybe (though he doesn't sound the greatest company). But you ended it, so leave him be.

I wish it was that easy. I can’t say why as it’s too outing but it’s not exactly work it’s something else, it does involve his work (not mine). I wish it was more simple then maybe I could just go no contact and not need to have anything to do with him.

You can’t control how someone else feels about you, certainly not by inviting someone you just dumped, however kindly, out for coffee!

To me, you seem way over-invested in him ‘not hating you’. He wasn’t remotely bothered about you when you were in a relationship, so why would he invest any emotion in you, whether positive or negative, in you now that you aren’t?

Fair enough @Drunkskunkbat It sounds like maybe you feel you need to contact him before you possibly see him in a work context. Is it because you need to see how the land lies and how he feels about the break up?
Do what you feel is best given the circumstances.
Though, would it make you feel worse if you messaged him and he didn't reply?

I think if it was you that ended things, you need to respect his need for space. I would leave the being friends decision with him. Just be pleasant when you have to see him. It may evolve naturally into friendship over time

In the spirit of 'hope for the best, prepare for the worst', just think through how you will handle it if he does turn up at the work meetings with a chip on his shoulder or obvious and awkward bad feelings about it all. Prepare yourself mentally to be cool and professional, calm and friendly and to not allow yourself to be provoked or offended. To close with another cliche, you can't control how he reacts to things, you can only control your own action and reactions. But thiking it through and havign an idea how you would handle it and what you would say, is good prep.

It’s hard to explain the situation without being too outing but it’s his work, he’s the one that needs to act professionally, we will be in a meeting together in a few weeks but it’s not work for me (if that kind of makes sense), he is the professional that needs to keep things professional. There’s a chance he may get out of attending (i hope) but the chance is small. I just need to know that he can deal with it and act professionally though it will be him that gets in trouble if he can’t.

we are still friends on social media, he has liked one of my recent posts, he hasn’t blocked or removed me so I’m hoping he has no hard feelings. Yes, he wasn’t a great boyfriend and I probably should have ended things sooner but wanted to do it in a way that didn’t result in a big fall out 😬.

From a man's POV - If a woman ends things and says 'I want us to be friends' it often means 'I'm OK to talk if you call, I'm OK to meet if you suggest and arrange it, but really I'm not going to make an effort'. So I do think it's up to you to keep up the contact, if you do mean it. If you mainly just messaged before then just keep with that: As you said you need to keep things civil and not uncomfortable with work meetings, it's worth a little effort just to maintain some 'normal-ish' contact.
If he feels uncomfortable he can always say so....

I wouldn't message - he didn't treat you well during your relationship. He's an adult and is responsible for his own behaviour in a work meeting. Stop worrying about how he's feeling - again, not your responsibility.