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Original poster

Still bitter about my ex — years later — how do I let go?

15 replies

Stuckinthepaststill · 05/01/2025 23:31

Have NC for this.

I’m not sure why I’m posting really. We were together for years, since we were at school, but split in our thirties. It was all a bit messy, although I didn’t realise quite how messy at the time (we were going to marriage guidance counselling but, unbeknownst to me, he was also seeing someone else — who he’s now married to).
The thing is, I can’t get over it/him. He’s long since married his OW, and they have four DCs. I’m not in contact so only hear snippets through mutual friends sometimes — but I know they’re very happy (although I’m sure they have their ups and downs like us all). But even though I’ve also remarried and have two DCs, I’m really bitter about it. I know it’s ridiculous and it’s not as though I spend all day every day thinking about him, but I bear him SUCH ill will for the way he treated me — keeping me hanging on while seeing the OW rather than just ending it/being honest. At the same time, though, I also hate HER because I feel she’s living the life that was meant to be mine: I always wanted a big family but because of the timing/biological clock, that was never going to be an option for me once we finally split (although I am very grateful for my
2 beautiful DCs).

How do I move on? It’s been years as I say so time’s clearly not the answer. And the rational part of me knows how ridiculous it is to still be hurt/grieving/bothered — but that doesn’t mean I can just switch off my feelings. I don’t want to be this bitter person, though. I have a good life, and so much to be grateful for (and I AM grateful!) — how can I stop the bitterness/anger?

OP posts:
setmestraightplease · 06/01/2025 01:01

@Stuckinthepaststill I'm speaking as a divorced woman and if I'm honest, I think there are separate issues here:

1. We were together for years, since we were at school, but split in our thirties.

Are you are still feeling the regret you feel of losing your 'first love' - it's something that lots of us have experienced - but we evolve and grow and mature and realise that our first love may not always be the 'only love' or the 'right love'

2. but, unbeknownst to me, he was also seeing someone else — who he’s now married to)

This will definitely add to the WTF! Not to mention the hurt!
And it's not an easy thing to accept

  • but you say I’ve also remarried and have two DCs, ...........so one question is why did you marry someone else and have children when it seems you still wanted to be with someone else?

3 .It w.as all a bit messy, although I didn’t realise quite how messy at the time (we were going to marriage guidance counselling)

It's not clear what the 'mess' was, but it seems you both couldn't work it out (for whatever reason)

I also hate HER because I feel she’s living the life that was meant to be mine

.....did you really want to continue living the life you were living with him?

Or was it just habit and fear of the unknown future?

Or did you imagine your life with him would change for the better?

How do you know what her life is like ?

On the face of it, your life probably looks good to outsiders.

How do you know what's going on her marriage

You haven't said whose decision it was to finish the relationship - who walked away? And that makes a difference : whether it was your decision or not. And it's always harder to accept when it's the other person's decision to leave,

But you've made your decisions and got on with your life and made a family and new relationships.

How do I move on? It’s been years as I say so time’s clearly not the answer. And the rational part of me knows how ridiculous it is to still be hurt/grieving/bothered — but that doesn’t mean I can just switch off my feelings. I don’t want to be this bitter person, though. I have a good life, and so much to be grateful for (and I AM grateful!) — how can I stop the bitterness/anger?
To be honest, only YOU can make that decision

Either you live in bitterness and regret for 'what may have been' (but obviously wasn't working) or you realise the security and happiness you actually have in the present.

It's life and we all live with the consequences of our decisions.

Sometimes it's not easy ............... sometimes we need to make a very conscious decision to let go and just trust that our present lives are better than 'what could have been'

Life is very good at guiding us in the right direction - even though we think it's not right!

I wish you well, take care x

Crankyaboutfood · 06/01/2025 01:10

you were insanely betrayed by your HUSBAND. people make light, but it is traumatic. therapy might help, but honestly do you need to get over it? some people deserve ill will.

TipsyJoker · 06/01/2025 01:13

Therapy

setmestraightplease · 06/01/2025 01:41

@Crankyaboutfood you were insanely betrayed by your HUSBAND. people make light, but it is traumatic. therapy might help, but honestly do you need to get over it? some people deserve ill will.

I think you may benefit from therapy

AlmostAJillSandwich · 06/01/2025 01:43

Deffinitely agree with the therapy. I'm in PTSD therapy because 14 years on i can't get over the abuse i suffered in my first relationship, and im still so bitter and angry.

researchers3 · 06/01/2025 01:56

I agree therapy OP.

After all this time maybe you don't feel justified in venting to a friend.

Just talking extensively to someone who will really listen should help.

Crankyaboutfood · 06/01/2025 02:01

setmestraightplease · 06/01/2025 01:41

@Crankyaboutfood you were insanely betrayed by your HUSBAND. people make light, but it is traumatic. therapy might help, but honestly do you need to get over it? some people deserve ill will.

I think you may benefit from therapy

i don’t get this. I had similar happen to me and I am fine now, but it hurt more than anything i have ever experienced. I trusted my ex husband and considered him family. I have moved on, relationships end, but the betrayal is a special kind of pain. I don’t wish my ex a good life. i also don’t think about him all the time, but i can’t say i don’t wish him what i think he deserves.

setmestraightplease · 06/01/2025 02:01

@AlmostAJillSandwich

I respect the fact that you have suffered PTSD and need therapy to come to terms with what has happened to you, but we can't just assume that the same has happened in OPs case, as she hasn't given details of why she ' can’t get over it/him

I genuinely hope your therapy helps and that you can come to terms with what's happened to you and learn to live in some sort of peace with it x

setmestraightplease · 06/01/2025 02:55

@CrankyaboutfoodThere's a difference between what you've said previously

you were insanely betrayed by your HUSBAND. people make light, but it is traumatic. therapy might help, but honestly do you need to get over it? some people deserve ill will.

To be honest, this sounds like you're still caught up in thoughts of hatred and revenge - fair enough if that's how you want to be.

and then you say

I have moved on, relationships end, but the betrayal is a special kind of pain. I don’t wish my ex a good life. i also don’t think about him all the time, but i can’t say i don’t wish him what i think he deserves.

Again, to be honest, it doesn't sound like you've moved on.

And I don't make light of it,
It is a betrayal from someone you trusted.
And I know it's easier to say than to accept......... and I know that there's a special hurt that comes from being betrayed by someone you trust..........

I used to wish my ex 'what he deserves' but I find I've now moved on and just leave my ex to live his life and don't think about whether or not he's got 'what he deserves'

I'm far more at peace now just thinking about my life rather than my ex's lfe

Crankyaboutfood · 06/01/2025 08:04

We do
havs children together and he has nothing to do with them. i have to chase for child support too, so maybe that is what you are sensing. I just think there is so much pressure to not just strongly dislike someone who has done terrible things I am so far past caring about this person or wishing things were different, but he is a lousy man. When i think i him I suspect I will always have negative thoughts about him and I really don’t think that is a bad or unusual thing.

Original poster
Stuckinthepaststill · 06/01/2025 19:36

setmestraightplease · 06/01/2025 01:01

@Stuckinthepaststill I'm speaking as a divorced woman and if I'm honest, I think there are separate issues here:

1. We were together for years, since we were at school, but split in our thirties.

Are you are still feeling the regret you feel of losing your 'first love' - it's something that lots of us have experienced - but we evolve and grow and mature and realise that our first love may not always be the 'only love' or the 'right love'

2. but, unbeknownst to me, he was also seeing someone else — who he’s now married to)

This will definitely add to the WTF! Not to mention the hurt!
And it's not an easy thing to accept

  • but you say I’ve also remarried and have two DCs, ...........so one question is why did you marry someone else and have children when it seems you still wanted to be with someone else?

3 .It w.as all a bit messy, although I didn’t realise quite how messy at the time (we were going to marriage guidance counselling)

It's not clear what the 'mess' was, but it seems you both couldn't work it out (for whatever reason)

I also hate HER because I feel she’s living the life that was meant to be mine

.....did you really want to continue living the life you were living with him?

Or was it just habit and fear of the unknown future?

Or did you imagine your life with him would change for the better?

How do you know what her life is like ?

On the face of it, your life probably looks good to outsiders.

How do you know what's going on her marriage

You haven't said whose decision it was to finish the relationship - who walked away? And that makes a difference : whether it was your decision or not. And it's always harder to accept when it's the other person's decision to leave,

But you've made your decisions and got on with your life and made a family and new relationships.

How do I move on? It’s been years as I say so time’s clearly not the answer. And the rational part of me knows how ridiculous it is to still be hurt/grieving/bothered — but that doesn’t mean I can just switch off my feelings. I don’t want to be this bitter person, though. I have a good life, and so much to be grateful for (and I AM grateful!) — how can I stop the bitterness/anger?
To be honest, only YOU can make that decision

Either you live in bitterness and regret for 'what may have been' (but obviously wasn't working) or you realise the security and happiness you actually have in the present.

It's life and we all live with the consequences of our decisions.

Sometimes it's not easy ............... sometimes we need to make a very conscious decision to let go and just trust that our present lives are better than 'what could have been'

Life is very good at guiding us in the right direction - even though we think it's not right!

I wish you well, take care x

Edited

Thank you for this very thought-provoking response — lots of questions/ideas here for me to think about.

There’s definitely something there about first love, I think. I always assumed we’d grow old together — but then I guess most people think that, don’t they? But I’d never experienced a break up until my break up with my exH, and by then I was in my 30s, so perhaps that means I was somehow less prepared for it, if that makes sense. It was also his decision to end it, and as you say that won’t have helped either.
Looking back, I also didn’t know our marriage was in trouble — it came out of the blue (for me). ExH agreed to marriage guidance counselling and it was only years later I found out (from mutual friends) that he’d been seeing the OW at the same time. I now realise that’s probably WHY it came out of the blue: he’d met someone else and wanted out suddenly… But because he’s actually a bit of a people pleaser (can’t bear to be the bad guy), he ended up agreeing to counselling.

Typing this out now has also made me realise that perhaps I never really got closure (I hate that expression!): because I didn’t find out about the OW at the time, I never got to tell him what a shit I think he was… Maybe if I had, I’d be less hung up on it all.

You ask if I really wanted to continue the life I was living with him — and at the time, I did. As far as I knew, our marriage was good! (He did a pretty good job of pretending he was happy! Right up until the point he suddenly announced he wasn’t…) By the time I met my now DH, though, I certainly didn’t (which you also asked about); by then, I was just feeling very bitter about it all…

Sorry for the essay/stream of consciousness. Your questions have made me think, though — thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stuckinthepaststill · 06/01/2025 19:39

Crankyaboutfood · 06/01/2025 01:10

you were insanely betrayed by your HUSBAND. people make light, but it is traumatic. therapy might help, but honestly do you need to get over it? some people deserve ill will.

Thank you for this. It’s refreshing to think that actually, perhaps I don’t need to get over it. I’ll ponder that… Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stuckinthepaststill · 06/01/2025 19:42

AlmostAJillSandwich · 06/01/2025 01:43

Deffinitely agree with the therapy. I'm in PTSD therapy because 14 years on i can't get over the abuse i suffered in my first relationship, and im still so bitter and angry.

I’m sorry you suffered this. I sometimes think anger is a good thing but i know it can also be destructive. Is the therapy helping you?

OP posts:
Original poster
Stuckinthepaststill · 06/01/2025 20:05

setmestraightplease · 06/01/2025 02:55

@CrankyaboutfoodThere's a difference between what you've said previously

you were insanely betrayed by your HUSBAND. people make light, but it is traumatic. therapy might help, but honestly do you need to get over it? some people deserve ill will.

To be honest, this sounds like you're still caught up in thoughts of hatred and revenge - fair enough if that's how you want to be.

and then you say

I have moved on, relationships end, but the betrayal is a special kind of pain. I don’t wish my ex a good life. i also don’t think about him all the time, but i can’t say i don’t wish him what i think he deserves.

Again, to be honest, it doesn't sound like you've moved on.

And I don't make light of it,
It is a betrayal from someone you trusted.
And I know it's easier to say than to accept......... and I know that there's a special hurt that comes from being betrayed by someone you trust..........

I used to wish my ex 'what he deserves' but I find I've now moved on and just leave my ex to live his life and don't think about whether or not he's got 'what he deserves'

I'm far more at peace now just thinking about my life rather than my ex's lfe

I'm far more at peace now just thinking about my life rather than my ex's life

This is where I want to get to, @setmestraightplease!

OP posts:
Original poster
Stuckinthepaststill · 06/01/2025 20:11

Crankyaboutfood · 06/01/2025 08:04

We do
havs children together and he has nothing to do with them. i have to chase for child support too, so maybe that is what you are sensing. I just think there is so much pressure to not just strongly dislike someone who has done terrible things I am so far past caring about this person or wishing things were different, but he is a lousy man. When i think i him I suspect I will always have negative thoughts about him and I really don’t think that is a bad or unusual thing.

I’m sorry he’s a lousy dad too.

I think you make a good point that sometimes it’s okay to dislike people who have behaved badly towards us.

OP posts:
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