Husband different behind close doors…

[dublinderby34]

My husband is nice and friendly and caring with me when we are outside of the house, usually even when it’s just us, but more so infront of people. Behind close doors, he mostly refuses to talk about anything of meaning or depth, is very condescending towards me and often tries to make me feel stupid.

Examples
We was watching a show in bed last night and I asked maybe 3 questions in an hour about the show as I didn’t fully understand what was going on. He was fairly snappy with me and even if he knows I’ve noticed he purposely won’t tell me or pretends not to know.
This morning I wake up in a good mood, but apparently my energy is too much for him he says. First thing he says to me is that everytime he looks over I am getting off my phone when I was texting my sister? So I said oh I didn’t know it looked like that I didn’t know you was awake but that is a coincidence. Then he starts saying how I asked too many questions last night. Few minutes later I come back and hug him from behind and he is just cold and proceeds to tell me my energy is too much which I reply he is being miserable, but then apparently he accuses me of trying to tell him what kind of mood he is in and he’s fine?

I proceed to get ready as I’m really trying not to let him affect my mood. I play my music quietly and get ready. He proceeds to want to argue it seems.

What is this? Is it depression? It’s usually always in the mornings. He cuts of any chance of feeling an emotional connection and usually only touches me when he wants something sexual.

I am in his country and I have to stay with him for 2 years unless I get deported. I do love him but I can’t be treated like this. Does anyone have any advice? I have tried to discuss it and he goes into denial mode or just says maybe I should have said it differently and a few days later goes back to normal.

When we have date nights and his friends or family texts him he always wants to go drinking with them, and I can tell usually doesn’t enjoy doing things just us two. When I ask him to walk my dogs with me he trails along behind me miserable trying to ruin it for me. I have started going without him. I am going to sign up to the gym just to give me some independence as I dont Have any friends here.
It’s almost like he has contempt.

Would you have wanted to emigrate if it wasn't for the relationship? If not and you uprooted your life 'for him', you can do it again 'for you'. Your freedom and happiness is far more important then any man.

If you’re feeling miserable now, please do not have kids with him. That will just entrap you further. Go free and be with someone who appreciates and cherishes you, not someone who treats you with contempt.

He sounds like a complete prick, quite frankly

Find a way to stay in the country without being with him, if you like the country and do not want to return home. Ask your employer for a visa or look into other ways to legally continue to stay there

Never marry someone you barely know, for a visa - never stay married for residency. Stating the obvious here. He may know you are biding time and staying despite his poor treatment of you , just so you get residency - and this may have built resentment on top of whatever else is causing his bad behaviour towards you. Very toxic situation OP , you know what you need to do

This will get worse. These are all the markers of someone whose abuse will escalate. Especially where he is nice outside.

Leave. Do not give this man any of your one and only life. Especially do not have children, their lives will be awful.

Start again but get some help to prevent you accepting such abusive behaviours in future.

I’m rather shocked that you would rather stay with him for another 18 months miserably just to get a visa than have an extra 18 months of happiness in your life.

I'm intrigued SorryNotSorry why out of all the countries in the World, you think this young woman is from Brazil?

@dublinderby34, the only advice I can give you is unfortunately the same as everyone elses, please don't stay with this man as he sounds horrible, and you don't sound as if you are in love with him, in fact, you don't sound as if you ever were?

Your question is a valid one. Certain words used in the original post, the fact that I see this situation a lot in my line of work, plus the username alongside the law in Ireland for non EU citizens married to Irish/EU citizens tells me that this is very possibly the case. I see and hear this story a lot and it follows this pattern where to quote your comment, the foreign spouse isn’t in love with their partner and often never was.