Feeling sad that DH needs time away from us

[Mamma5456]

DH works full-time while I am a SAHM to a SEN child and am pregnant with another. He gets plenty of time to himself outside at work, running, gym, sport. He always checks in if it's ok, and I have no problem with it.

Lately he has taken to going to another part of the house to be on his own to decompress, gaming, or audio books, watching YouTube. (Nothing suspicious.) He is devoted to us but our SEN DC can be a bit full-on and I think he feels burnt out by him quite quickly and needs to retreat. We're both probably ND ourselves and I feel like I manage DC and my own emotions better than he does. Time alone is not always helpful though, and he can come back and still be a bit impatient with DC. I also often feel that when he is away from us, he is not thinking about us at all. Whereas I am always worrying, planning for what's next, with the baby and with DC who has complex needs, DH only thinks about these things when I talk to him about it directly.

Just now, he has prepared dinner. He asked if we wanted to eat at the table but it is full of DC's craft stuff. I assumed we were going to eat together on the sofa instead, but when I went to get my bowl from the kitchen he retreated to a room on his own. DC can be full-on and controlling, for example not wanting the tv on or letting us watching what we want, so it's not always fun to be around him, but right now he is just watching screens and being quiet so it's peaceful downstairs.

DHs behaviour is very much like his own parents, who spends lots of time and space separately, but they are in their 70s and DH is mid-30s!

I just feel a bit sad about it all. I'm sure it will be better when baby is here as we've had lots of conversations about DH stepping up and taking over more while I recover and look after baby, and practically he is stepping up now, but I don't feel like he is really there for me emotionally . I've not said anything yet as I realise it's his last opportunity to have time to himself before baby arrives. I do have a problem with all the gaming because he loses so much time to it and really does forget about tasks like DC's bedtime, and I definitely pull him up on it.

But him leaving us and having dinner on his own just now makes me feel unwanted and lonely. I'm already quite alone as it is, being a SAHM in a rural area and only weekly opportunities to see friends in person.

Is it normal to want to spend time on your own, when you normally have most of the day away from your family?

Sorry you are having to deal with your DH, and his, what I feel, are not acceptable actions.

How would he react if you just decided to bugger off to another room, leaving him with your DC?
Perhaps you could try that, then he might appreciate why it's not a good thing to do.

I second that
See what happens if you just take yourself off to the bath for a few hours

You need to talk to him about this, most benefit from headspace but if he’s going to the gym etc, he’s getting that.

Behaving the way he is with one kid really does not bode well for what it’ll be like with two. He is withdrawing and it will get worse. He needs to spend more time with your child, however difficult it may be, or they will loose any bond and it will all be on you.

Nip it in the bud now. It also sounds to me that you’ve slightly got into mummy mode with him? Are you getting as much time off as he is? If not - even if you think you don’t need it, you are going to burn out (you mention relentlessly thinking about your family).

You need a recalibration - I think you need to do less, he needs to do more, and he needs to understand you are partners running a family, and he cannot abscond from that.