Can you have a good or close relationship with a competitive mother?

[runbikestop]

I'm 50, and while my mum and I get along, personal conversations are difficult because she constantly competes with me, which comes out in subtle digs. I shaped my life to avoid her path—she was a stay-at-home parent, an artist, and an interior designer who ignored my dad’s affairs and had little control in their relationship. In contrast, I'm independent, have a great career, and a supportive, faithful husband. (Obvs no one is 100% sure they won't cheat but my dad used to flirt with her friends in front of her, that kind of thing).
She often tries to undermine me, but it's difficult because, in my view, my life turned out better. When I confronted her about her competitiveness, she brushed it off, saying she’s that way with everyone. Is there a way to change this dynamic? I hesitate to be fully honest, as she denies my dad ever cheated and I don’t want to upset her.

I am dyslexic so chatgdp helped me make that concise but I am real, long term poster. I am just not sure if our relationship can improve, is it worth me trying? And how?

Have to go cook dinner but will be back.

But you sound as if you’re entering into the competition and comparison — when you say your life has ‘turned out better’, you’re clearly comparing and concluding you ‘won’. No one can compete with you unless you also enter into the game.

The only way is acceptance. It's hard because we all have an idea of what a mum should be and this behaviour falls short. She sounds like truth and honesty and authenticity are things she just can't do so can you acceot the limitations of the relationship and work with any parts that are good? If there are any.

She knows you're successful and have outshone her so you don't really need to engage in it. If there are things she's saying that are annoying just nod and go ah that's nice.

Think if there are things you enjoy about her. If not then a bit of distance might help you feel better. She probably isn't changing.

You sound equally competitive. Why do you want to talk to her about her husband's infidelity?

You're both trapped in this rut and the only way out is to step out of the pattern.

My mum was text book narcissist and they just need external validation all the time. It was awful growing up with this from an early age. Maybe she has a few traits. It took me years to work it all out but I have no contact with her now. Maybe if you put a few more boundaries up she will be a bit less competitive i.e. less contact. It must feel good to have got one up, so to speak, and it's difficult not to compete back (why would your own mother want to compete, surely they would just love you) but in her mind, mine will always be the winner. It helps her function.

She may well have turned a blind eye to her husband cheating.

Drop the rope here and refuse to play the game. You would not tolerate this behaviour of undermining you from a friend so do not tolerate it from your mother. I would reduce all levels of contact with her going forward.

I would not worry about unduly upsetting her because she has not given you that consideration , these types seem incapable of being upset.

Yes she can't compete if she has no one to compete with. Stop telling her stuff. My mum has no idea what I earn or what my actual job is (she may have a vague idea ) she is always talking herself up, never occurs to me to say anything back about myself as it's obviously rooted in insecurity. On Christmas day she was banging on about something she did as a child and said "I've always been in the limelight". Err ok then. Bonkers absolutely bonkers, no point engaging. Now my mum isn't interested in me only herself so doesn't press for information but even if she did I wouldn't volunteer very much. I know I'm a better person without having to have the conversation!!

Is she competing or just set in old-fashioned beliefs?

I'm not invalidating your experience, but you've mentioned how you're better; but nothing that highlights how she thinks she's better.

Thank you all. All good points. I don’t tell her much, def not what I earn or the nice things I do. I have tried to drop the rope, and have def cut back on seeing her. I recently set a hard boundary that she didn’t like and her response was crazy over the top and hurtful.

She might have narcissist tendencies and I guess she wants to see me, but on a superficial level.

in her mind we aren’t equals so can never have a decent conversation. We do best when talking about my kids or nieces and nephews.

hmmmmmm interesting, so it feels like the answer is no, no we can’t have a deeper relationship.

I know I can’t change her, so I can only lower my expectations of our relationship. It feels like it ‘should’ be better, but when I think back, I am not sure when we have ever really been close.

It’s a tricky one. Your post had made me realise that my mother is quite competitive with me and I hasn’t really acknowledged it before though my sister has pointed it out. She is different with my sister, who has chosen not to get married or have kids, and she’s a completely different body shape to mum and me. So my mum doesn’t have the same grounds for competition with her.

Like a pp says, I drop the rope. I refuse to engage. On the rare occasion that I do, it doesn’t end well. I change the subject, distract, move on to something different. I think we are as close as we can be given our personalities and I work hard to keep us communicating in a positive way (maybe she does too, who knows?). Neither of us want to be best friends, we’ve never had that relationship. But it’s as good as it can be I think.