Hand hold feelings with OW being with your children

[thiscantbemylife]

Just that really.

I’ve posted a lot over the past year from feeling destroyed to feeling empowered the next. It was quite a year and I feel I’m in a better place but move back a step as a moving forward stage happens.

This Christmas was the first with our girls between two house holds and I did okay I kept myself busy and went away for New Year’s which was the day my ex said the girls would be meeting and spending the day at the women's house he cheated/left me for.

I’ve done well to keep myself level headed for our kids but he has become more abusive over the past month with the news I’ve started seeing someone. To calling me every name under the sun to throwing car seats at my door whilst I’ve stranded firm and amicable as possible. In therapy everything my therapist said would happen has happened and it’s helped but the next hurdle I am with is how to be when my girls come back tomorrow talking about the women he left for.

Back storey they cheated for about the last two years of the relationship and she would contact me lying to me herself whilst pretending to be nice to me which is what I am struggling with most. I know I need to let go and I am sticking to that approach which is why I’m back here instead of talking to friends about it.

I want to know how I should be tomorrow when I collect them from school I don’t want to lie to them or tell/show them anything I am feeling and my thought process is to try stick to being positive and expressing how nice it is they all had a new years with Daddy’s new friend etc without showing any signs of contempt. Which as someone who is upfront and an honest person is not a situation I’ve found myself in having to do this.

I wish he met someone unrelated to how it all ended I have anger and sadness that they’re won’t be a time we could all be together with our new partners for events for the girls just don’t see that happening with the abuse and everything that went on. It’s still so fraught from him. I’m trying hard to make it okay by being polite even through the angry calls and texts in hopes it won’t affect the kids.

Sorry for rambling I guess I just want someone’s perspective who maybe went through it to know I can do this and it gets better.

Just remember the kids are what matters, put the past behind, be friendly and positive and enjoy being with your new partner which likely wouldn't have happened if not for the affair. Really she helped you out in that sense.

Thank you. Yeah the best outcome now is that the kids don’t feel stuck in the middle or any unhealthy tensions.

Going to have a self care day today. I feel at peace most the time and thought I reached indifference over Christmas.

The chances are they won't talk much about her, my kids only really discuss things if I ask them. Just say I hope you had a good time with your dad and then move on.
I think you're doing everything right and it's great you have moved on. Your ex sounds absolutely horrible. It makes me laugh they act upset when you have a new partner and they're the ones who cheated!
Stay dignified with him, ignore the OW and hopefully things will settle. Hope 2025 is a good year for you x

You haven't mentioned how old your dd's are, but I usually try a breezy 'hi, I'm so glad you are home/pleased to see you, have you had a nice time?' and then just wait for the response and take it from there which depending on your children's ages and temperaments you might get 'good' or a whole saga. I don't tend to ask specifically about my DC's other parent except in the context of 'did they like your present' and I don't much ask about anyone else, unless DC bring it up...it does hurt you though when they are very positive about the 'other woman'

5 and 6 in age.

Yeah that’s what I’m hoping. It’s hard.
Hoping it’ll get easier with time and that he will become less hostile with me.

Bless you, it's so difficult because at their ages they don't realise that whilst they are adjusting and (hopefully) enjoying their time with their dad, hearing about it and then recognising that you are not going to be there for all their special moments is hard.

So I got the girls back yesterday and found out today whilst doing my eldest hair that they had spent nearly a week with this women so it wasn’t them just meeting her for a day but spending almost a week at her house whilst my ex mostly worked.

They’ve come back saying she had bedrooms done for them and another Christmas which I just don’t know what to do I could tell it was a lot for them.

On the Sunday my ex noticed someone’s car here and I had such awful messages with threats and him saying enjoy being with your new friend in my house (in our old home)
All the while the girls were in the care of a women they’ve just met and I’m still going grey rock but I feel introducing someone in the manner he has isn’t healthy.

I did better than I thought and went with the approach that I’m happy they had a good time.

Poor you what a stressful time all caused by your ex who is now treating you like dirt again. Perhaps guilt? Maybe a year on he's having regrets? Not worth worrying about as you've moved on and he probably won't mess about with this new woman given she's met the girls.
Main thing is she sounds nice to them - that's a lot of effort to go to so for their sake all you can do is be nice to her and keep her on side - albeit through heavily gritted teeth. Then in 20 years you can let slip to your adult daughters what actually happened.
Stay strong!

Save all these messages. You may need them to get an order of protection, which you absolutely should do if the threats are physical.
As for the OW, I know it sucks that she gets your kids, but she's the least of your problems. The scary, abusive ex is the biggest risk to all of you.

Why is he kicking off about you meeting someone when he's already with someone and actually cheated with her? It doesn't make sense

Oh they hate it when you meet someone else.

Give him ZERO information on your personal life especially who you are dating. It's none of his business and he will kick off about it.

Also don't introduce anyone new to your DDs. Not for at least two years.

I honestly don’t know. I think it’s an ego thing.
ive posted a lot last year as it was like something out of a movie it didn’t feel real at times. They both planned to leave their partners by the looks of it and within a few months of him walking out on us she was the director in his company pumping in hundreds of thousands and has now bought him a very expensive property. And I just think it’s all madness and selfish to decide the best way to introduce their relationship to our daughters was an almost week long stay at her house.

This morning I’ve had to reassure the children they don’t have to live there.

But I do have these selfish worries they live the life of the top one percent so they went to her house and his new house think massive swimming pools they are honestly those houses you see on those lotto house draws in the country and they come home and say our house is so small and boring in comparison and I’m just taking it all on the chin hahaa 😂

Shes two decades older than me and my ex acts like a teenager and I think she’s chucking everything into my ex and wanting to emesh herself as much as possible. I think her being older somehow makes it worse as I want to take my obvious hurt feelings out of all of it and hope she can be great for my kids but at the same time it just looks like all they do is think about their own needs. They had a good time which I’m grateful for but they seem unbalanced and a little confused about it all too. I have them a support worker in school that checks in on them so they have someone outside of it all to talk to if they need.

All I can do is stay consistent. I won’t be introducing anyone new to them. I will be transparent and hope that when they are with me they have enough stability.

I’ve realised wondering the it’s and why’s leads to madness but it does help to offload here.

Big hug @thiscantbemylife . This is tough. My ex-H cheated on me and then went on to live with a marry the woman he cheated with. My two were tiny when it happened and I forced myself not to ever say anything negative about their Dad in front of them or allow anyone else to do so either. I managed to keep my trap shut in front of them about the 2nd Mrs Livebetter as well. Initially it was all Disney trips and fun days out and I was boring old Mummy with no money. However, all the sparkle wasn't sustainable - because it never is and then the DC were just confused as to why it was now "Be quiet and don't touch anything", rather than Disney and days out!!!!!

As the DC got older they got curious and found out for themselves what a selfish monster their father is and what a cow the 2nd Mrs Livebetter is. I always told them the truth, but in a factual and age appropriate way, about why their father left, if they asked.

DC are now in their 20s and have a very, very dim view of the father and his 2nd wife.

You are absolutely right to stay consistent and crack on with how you do things. There will be differences in how you parent and your DC may from time to time whine about things they can do elsewhere, just to see what they can wangle. However, I think kids like to know where they stand and if you stay as you are, then that's nice and clear for them and Mum's rules are Mum's rules. They will appreciate you and all that you do for them - I promise. I get on so well with my two and they are really good to me too.

Oh I feel you. My ex introduced OW to my stepdaughter a week after he moved out and told her to lie to me about it. We also have two boys now 8 and 5.

Honestly.. they barely mention her. She is at dad's pretty much all of the time but unless a specific incident occurs she just doesn't feature. I try to "grey rock" it and say that's nice and chance subject. Ex tries to stir pot (like making oldest write in his xmas card drawn for me a list of "people he loves" which ex insisted included this woman.

He will want a reaction. Don't give it.

And your kids needs to feel comfortable talking about all the people in their life. You wouldn't actually want them to dislike her because that would be hard for them.

So you do what you've been doing already. You grit your teeth. You say that's nice. And you move on and cry in the bath later if you need to.

It does get easier. For what it's worth as a Stepmum (not OW) my stepdaughters mother hated my existence for a long time but we built a really nice relationship. Assuming she's not actually unpleasant to your kids this is most hard for you not them.

Sending solidarity!

Pity tends to kill jealousy.

Think about the poor cow trying to compete with you. With a woman her partner is still completely obsessed with. Add to that the fact that she's now living with the scrote and has tied her life to his. Poor poor cow.

Meanwhile you have a new partner, calm home, and no him. HOORAY.