WWYD?

[Netternods]

DH and I have been married for 8 years with 2DCs who are both easy and great. My problem is with DH. For the past 6 years we've been running a business that is still struggling. He keeps hoping it will take off. We've sold rental properties to finance it and now it's the start of another new year I feel more inclined to take a stand for the sake of our children.
I do love my DH but the passion's gone. We make a great team but our sex life ended after DD arrived. This pains me, but it's not the end of the world (although I know it's not healthy nor functional). I'm feeling trapped - have been for the longest time but unsure how to deal with it. Daily conversations with DH are strained and his tone towards me is horrid. He doesn't abuse or mistreat me (no sex life aside) but he has major issues with how I look as I gained weight from a Size 10 to Size 12-14 when DD arrived. I sometimes contemplate divorce but feel things are not bad enough to warrant it as I still love DH and don't want to break up our family. Any advice on what I can work on? I do sometimes feel I need a chat with a divorce lawyer or IFA on how to protect my assets if things take a turn for the worse. Anyone in a similar situation or have any advice? WWYD?

It wouldn’t hurt to get some legal advice now - sounds like you will need it for the future tbh.

Is he hoping to keep ploughing more of your assets into your business? Like sunk costs fallacy?

i too had a husband who went off sex and blamed it on me as I wasn’t skinny after two kids. Divorced now.

if he isn’t listening to you on the business front, maybe it is time to take a stand before you end up divorced after it’s all gone

Major issue with how you look after carrying and birth two children? What a disgusting excuse for a man

I still love DH and don't want to break up our family.

I think you love what he was, or what you want him to be. He isn't that and he isn't going to be that. Splitting up your family will make you far happier in the end than a man who has major issues with how you look after birthing his actual children. What a despicable man.

Thanks, I'll definitely look into seeking legal advice, thanks.

It is a sunk costs fallacy. DH's with the business; me, with our relationship and marriage.

@mumofoneDS and @polpolpolpol, I've never been able to make sense of it and it comes off as immaturity on his part or an indication that he doesn't love me. It does anger me though and makes me want to end things even more.

@Netternods then I guess you have little to lose by discussing your feelings with him and seeing if business/personal situation could be resolved. it might lead to improvement.

if he is unwilling or can’t change might be best to consider getting out before you have compromised every last inch of yourself for him.

Is there anything positive in this relationship. He is shaming you and that's not OK. Is the business 50/50?

I would leave him to the business and get a job. Then I would leave him full stop.

Thanks, I know he feels very trapped as well. Not by me or the marriage. More so because he's not earning anything and I've been funding the business. We do get along well, have a lot of shared interests, passions and we, as mentioned before, make a great team and are good parents whatever that means. Our DCs are happy and all is well there. However, the truth is that we have a sexless marriage and it does bother me. It's fueled by stress over our business situation and, as mentioned, his childish view of what a woman should look like. Of course, there's the other side to this. I haven't given up on myself. I've just been busy working in the business which is privately funded. I know I need to knuckle down and get my fitness levels up but like most mums, things get in the way. I always think prioritising some work task or project will move the needle enough to bring in a load of deals and sales.

I will look into contacting a lawyer before the end of Jan. Does anyone know what area of law this is - Family Law?

There are lots of positives: he's a good partner, a great father, he's hardworking, hilarious, we have the same interests and passions and if all other things were better I would be very happy. I still love him and find him attractive. However, as mentioned before, he doesn't find me attractive at all and yes I've left myself go. I will change that hopefully this year, but there's resentment from me because I don't want to do it for him but myself.

It would cause massive disruption to our DCs' lives. It would be a huge knee jerk reaction. I think I will see a family lawyer and then assess my options.

His attitude towards your minor post child getting older weight gain is awful and a hirrid tone is abusive he has no right to treat you like this

and whose were the rental property sold to find a business that hasn’t made a profit or money in how many years

Agree. It was a real shock when he first aired his issues about my weight gain. I've been funding the business.

You’ve not let yourself go, you carried and cared for children and worked hard. It isn’t easy. Perhaps the issue is his and he’d be just the same if you were a size 10 again.

and I bet you still have a hell of a lot going for you, more than you realise

If you think it's worth salvaging, would he agree to couples therapy?
If not then I'd say just distance yourself and plan your escape.

Thanks, I hadn't considered couples therapy. I'd be keen but something tells me he'll think it's all a waste of money.

If you had gone from 10 to 18, I could understand - though not condone - a guy going off sex. Nevertheless, it is not only a physical need but more an emotional need. How many women don't get their figures back? If they all got thrown out of bed for a few sizes there would be an awful lot of only children in this world.

Get a job for your own security, refuse to fund/prop up the business any more. Tell him he has 6 months to make it work or you all move on.