Don't know how to fix me

[ElsieElf]

First off, I am aware I need help. I've tried the doctor. I'm on antidepressants but feel really counselling is what I need. However, massive waiting list for any mental
Health services. I'm not deemed a suicide risk and just don't know how to fix me. I can't afford to go private.
So I have decided after another day of fighting with myself I would write down what I'm feeling here.
Awful relationship with my now deceased father. Issues are: 1 Always been concerned that actually I am evil like he said. And that I will get found out. I go too far the other way trying to please people but still never feel I am good enough.
Failed a teaching placement 25 years ago. Resat, passed and have been teaching for 24 years. Always feel like I will be found out and am actually crap at my job.
Father also told me that I was fat and ugly - I had been managing my weight ok for years but had a major health scare, was on chemo and steroids. Piled on the weight and haven't been able to lose it.
Lots of other reasons that I really dislike me and think that everyone else probably should give up on me. However, also know that I try really hard, love my family, would try to do anything for my children. I appear successful in many ways. Most people would probably be shocked if they knew this was how I felt.
But always niggling that no matter what I am not really worthy of their love. Not very good at my job. Not really good at anything.
I would really like to believe in me but just can't and it is exhausting.
The weight thing has really got to me. School is getting to me too.
I need to keep going because I've asked for help but I know I'm in for a long wait.
My husband is getting fed up of my moods and negativity about myself. He is the only person I feel I can be honest about my feelings. However, he just thinks I need to stop wallowing in self pity and get a grip. He isn't trying to be unkind I just think he doesn't know how to help me. I mean, I don't know how to help me.
I don't know if anyone can help me but any suggestions gratefully received.

I am going to try and get some sleep now that I've written that all down.
I just want to get out of my head and be happy. I want to be the mum my children deserve and the best teacher I can be and I want to truly believe I am enough. But that voice of my father telling me I am none of those things is very strong in my head. Even though it is 30 years since he said it and 20 since he died.

Have you ever had therapy lovely ? X

What's your diet like? I would start to include a lot more fruit and vegetables, beans, legumes and pulses. Drink more water and take supplements such as multivitamins, vitamin D, omega 3 and magnesium.

You could journal. It really helps to get it all out of your head. Practice mindfulness and meditation. Headspace app is good but there are others.

Exercise, even if it's just around the block. Perhaps look at Tai Chi or yoga - you can do it online.

If you need to talk, the Samaritans are 24/7 and I think do webchat now.

Anxiety UK does affordable therapy, I suggest ACT but they have others. You might find the Six Pillars of Self Esteem helpful and there are other books on self esteem and confidence.

A gratitude journal might also be helpful. You spend time each day contemplating what you're grateful for in life.

I think no matter how old we are, whatever we have succeeded or failed at in life, underneath it all, we are still that little kid who was hurt all those years ago.
Your father said some horrible things to you when you were young and vulnerable, you believed him then and those feelings are still within you.

The Samaritans, as has been mentioned, might help, but counselling would be better.

I was kind of like you, stuck in a rut of self hate. Last year was awful for em I had a really tough end to 2023 and it took me a good 12 months to pull myself back out of it again. I joined a gym and started exercising again and feel 100x better for it and better in myself which has instantly lifted my anxiety (I got to the point where I wouldn't go out as I was so ashamed of myself) I haven't changed loads weight wise but the fact I am doing something about it makes me feel good.

I would also suggest paying for counselling go private if you can as sounds like your dad wasn't a great person and that has effected you a lot too.

Look up imposter syndrome.

Work on your self esteem. Start by reading this

https://ia600704.us.archive.org/31/items/TheSixPillarsOfSelfEsteem201811/The-Six-Pillars-of-Self-Esteem.pdf

Start doing some retraining of your brain. Get a blank journal or notebook that you will only use for this purpose.
On day one, write down 3-5 things that you like about yourself. One could be that you’re a loving mother for example. Then each day, at the end of the day, think of something else to write about yourself that’s positive. Add another one to the list. Then read it back to yourself. Repeat morning and night.
Every time you think a negative thought about yourself, say, “No! This is not true. This is just old programming.” Then think of one of your positive qualities from your list. It’s about rewriting the neural pathways and creating healthier thought patterns through conscious, positive reinforcement.

That will be a good start whilst you wait for therapy. You can also do some work by using the resources on this site. It’s free

https://www.getselfhelp.co.uk

Maybe as a family you could try a little uplifting task. Get yourself a family jar and at the end of each week all write on a bit of paper something that everyone in the house has done or said that made you happy or proud. Not only will you get to hear lots of positive things from your husband and children, but you will also be supporting your children to hear positive things about themselves and to appreciate eachother.

It helps me by walking. Not a huge amount as I suffer a medical condition also but it does make me feel more positive. Get off the bus 1 stop earlier to get the walking in the open air, or a little evening or morning stroll.

I struggle with previous family truma and take on all the family issues that arise and feel I'm constantly responsible for helping everyone when they fuck up, I was advised writing down in a diary what's happened as a trigger, what I feel I need to do and why I feel out of control and then close the book. Breath and count to 10, then repeat 'I cannot control the actions and words of others, I can only control my actions and thoughts. Positive vibes. Doesn't always work but sometimes I'm able to move on quickly past the issue.

I also purchased empowering cards from amazon and stuck some inside my food cupboard (so I can see them when I'm doing the boring house tasks that can become repetitive and sometimes contribute to low mood)

Thank you, I am going to read up on the links and feel better knowing there are things I can do to help myself.
There is just such a huge waiting list for counselling through NHS.
I had previously had counselling as the GP was convinced my sore stomachs were related to stress anxiety and not an actual physical pain. After a few years, it was discovered I had Crohn's Disease and it was quite serious. However, being told it was in my head and basically I was making it up, didn't really help my fragile self esteem.
The Crohn's is more under control now. Hence why I am now overweight for the first time in my life. I'm actually processing food properly so able to gain weight...I have achieved this too well really. I need to retrain my eating habits because previous I had to eat lots of calories as struggled to gain weight. It has gone the other way now.
I'm going to head out for a long walk and try to up my exercise too.

It sounds to me that you've got childhood trauma, caused by the emotional and verbal abuse you received from your father.
This has lead to you being a people pleaser in life, having imposter syndrome at work, and perpetual feelings that you are not good enough in anything you do.
You need to heal from your childhood trauma. Obviously therapy is what's needed but I understand it's not readily available for you. Maybe in the meantime you could do some research into what childhood trauma means and how your experiences relate to that. That could really open up some old wounds, but in order to heal, we need to sit with our feelings and release things that have been locked up inside ourselves for far too long. But if your mental health is vulnerable, it probably is best to do this in the safe environment of therapy when that time comes.
Your husband's attitude of stop feeling self pity it really not helpful. He could try be a bit more patient with you on this journey of healing. It's a slow process, and I hope the realisation of what really happened and that you were not at fault comes soon. Chances are, your father received this kind of treatment from his own parents. This is repeated generation after generation, until someone finally breaks the cycle and heals these generational wounds.
I hope you can accept that you ARE good enough. You work hard, you provide for your family, you are loved. And you can heal. You just need to give yourself, and the little girl that you once were, compassionate love and care.
Sending love and healing 💕

If you’re concerned about your weight, you can make small changes to your diet that will help you lose weight. Eating more protein, fill up with veg and cut down on carbs and sweets. If you want something sweet have some fruit or a healthier choice biscuit like Nairns. Cut out fizzy juice if you drink it. Water, tea and coffee should be ok. You should speak to your GP first about your concerns because of your Crones as what you eat could impact that. There are programmes you might be able to access to support your weight loss like Digital weight management in England or weigh to go in Scotland. Speak to you GP about what’s available to you. NHS throughout the UK are running different initiatives to tackle obesity. It should be free for you to access.

Moving more is also important. If you’re new to exercising then start off with a short daily walk, swimming is also good as it’s low impact, cycling is also good for the same reason. Lifting small weights will build muscle and muscle helps burn more fat. You don’t have to lift heavy.

There are also YouTube videos you can access for free and do at home. Wall Pilates is good, requires no equipment and can be done in short bursts. You could start by doing 10 mins 3 times a week. Add in a swim and a walk and you’ll soon see a difference.

Crones disease is no joke and I’m glad you’ve got that under control now. That must’ve been so difficult for you, and painful! It’s common for doctors to not take women’s health complaints seriously. It happens all the time. I’ve known women who have had to take their husband into their appointments to get anywhere with their doctors. It’s shocking.

Yes a course for work on the impact of childhood trauma was really enlightening. I had tears rolling down my cheeks during and on the way home.
I know logically that what is in my head is probably not correct but then I doubt myself and think "well a narcissist would think it wasn't there problem." It is like a vicious circle.
I know I am a people pleaser but goodness it is a hard habit to break.

A narc would never question themselves or believe they could be wrong. They just don’t think they are ever wrong in any way. They are also not people pleasers, unless it’s to benefit themselves. I’d imagine your people pleasing is more of a hindrance to you. You’re not a narc. Not even close. You’re someone who is self aware enough to know that you have some work to do to deal with your past trauma and build a healthier sense of self esteem. That’s actually very positive. You are in a period of growth, which can be difficult and painful. Ultimately, it will be a positive. Def have a look at the resources I posted and see what is useful for you. I’m excited for you. This is going to be a good thing for you and I think a brighter, happier future is on the cards.

I heard something once, in regards to children of narcissistic parents that worry they're also narcissistic.... If you're questioning if you're narcissistic, then you 100% are not! Because a narcissist person wouldn't question that, they're in denial of it.
So take that as confirmation that you are not narcissistic, you're the product of a narcissistic parent, or parent with narcissistic tendencies...
You're very self aware, because you see all the ways you question yourself and question every aspect of your life, but you're in a place of discovering that this has all come from a place of trauma and hurt and you will grow through this journey of discovering and healing 💕

Does your work have Employee Assistance. They can usually offer a small number of therapy sessions, I think it's usually 6. Does your GP catchment have a mental health service? They might be able to offer group or individual CBT sessions. I never thought CBT would work for me and it took me two rounds but the difference it's made to my life is incredible.

If you can afford it then pay for therapy. It will get it out of your head and into someone else's who is qualified to help you make sense of it.

I appreciate that your husband could be a bit more sympathetic but he is only one person and he's not a therapist so it will be hard for him to take all your trauma plus anything he's going through.

It's awful what some parents do to their children and I'm so so sorry that you're going through this. It does sound like you've made a success of your life. Now you just need help to see it and believe it.