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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

9 years in and not getting on

1 reply

PlumKoala · 04/01/2025 23:32

Been with my partner 9 years. I've always considered us to be solid as a rock. I have my insecurities but that's on me, not him. Anyway, in the last few months I've noticed he is less attentive and my gut is telling me something is off. I've tried to speak to him about it and he just says nothing has changed and he's never been affectionate. This is true but we used to have a very active sex life and now it's averaging once a month if I'm lucky. In the last month he's had a lot of nights out and I've been admittedly quite clingy, wanting to know when he's home etc and when I'm with him I can be very snappy to the point where I know I'm being snappy and can't shake it. I can be quite jealous when I see him talking to women. Tonight I met him at the pub and although he was having a laugh and joke with me I just felt like I was in an unexplainable bad mood with him (I was sober and he wasn't). The bar staff were also all over him which bothered me. I don't know what is wrong, if he's genuinely losing interest or if it's just my insecurities at play. We're not married and I desperately want to be but I think this is down to societal pressure so I try not to pester him about it but everyone is always on at us about it and I feel this has the opposite effect on him. We live together, have a very good life together that we have built so I don't know where it's going wrong but I just feel like something is off. Can anyone relate and did things get better? He's getting fed up with me being ratty with him when he or I have had a drink.

OP posts:
WhycantIkeepthisbloodyplantalive · 05/01/2025 06:54

Easiest way to answer your question is by turning it around on yourself. If somebody was snappy and nagging at you, would that promote feelings of love and lust within, Or would you begin to get fed up and try to avoid that person?

Only thing I can think to advise is to have a sit down discussion, get everything out and then start a new so to speak. Best way to move things forward and get to a better place is by modeling the relationship you desire. Want more sex? Initiate it. Want to spend more quality time together, cook a meal and do something nice. Don't want to argue and snap any more, don't.

I guarantee you'll have a better chance of getting things back to a good place by 'being good' (even if you have to fake it for a while), than you would if you effectively carry on trying to punish your partner into being happy.

-All the best.

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