Apologies it’s very long.
Background I’m a people pleaser with no self esteem, been in dreadful relationships before including proper abusive ones. I’m working on it but only now well into my fifties I realise that it’s better to be alone than with someone who doesn’t meet my needs. Anyway.
We met almost 20 years ago, we feel in love hard, he’s sweet and kind and we had lots in common so I thought finally I found someone who’ll treat me well. He came immediately clean that he didn’t have any money. He’s an artist and wanted to live off his art. This works out sometimes financially but mostly it doesn’t. He also immediately made clear that he wanted to move in together quickly, which I stupidly agreed to. My job was reasonably well paid at the time, and I didn’t mind supporting him and his artistic ambitions. The unspoken assumption was that he didn’t need to do jobs that would make him miserable, but if it ever came to a point where it was necessary he would do it.
During the following two decades he did not earn a penny, not once not ever he paid for anything we did together, while I worked my arse off and bought us a flat, took us on holiday, bills, everything always exclusively paid by me. He used to spend his days working on his projects and dicking around online (say 30/70), plus looking after me (he does treat me like a queen) and the house. And smoking weed.
When my mother got diagnosed with cancer 5 years ago I finally agree to marry him because I knew it was very important for her. Another really stupid mistake that I kind of sleep walked into.
In regards to other ways to support the family, I don’t lift a finger in the house, he does everything from shopping to cooking to cleaning, to maintenance jobs and admin. His standards are not as high as mine would be if I was in change of the above but I’ll admit I’m a bit of a perfectionist and over achiever. He’s also wonderful and supportive and sweet and funny. All my and our friends love him, in spite of knowing of our financial arrangements. My family love him to bits but they don’t know about the financial stuff because I know if they did they’d tell me I’m crazy to keep such a lieabout around.
The sex was always disappointing, but I pretended for years until I could no longer pretend and we haven’t touched each other that way for at least 5 years now. He’s very upset by this but he respects me enough not to hassle me, however it’s a bit of an elephant in the room and I know a source of pain for him.
Recently it has become obvious that he’ll never make it as an artist. He hasn’t sold a painting for years and he no longer works, his time is spent 100% looking after me and the house, by which I mean doing as little as possible as he can get away with, and dicking around online and smoking weed.
I realise now that I’ve resented him for years, probably close to a decade and a half.
I hate that he’s content not pulling his weight financially, that he has no pride and no ambition, that every time I said “ok now it would be a good time for you to take up some paid work because we need more money” he found some reason why we didn’t really need the money, and he never did.
Thankfully we never had children, by choice.
My job no longer pays as well as it used to for various reasons and for health reasons I have no way to increase my earnings. Neither of us has a pension. I’s all downhill from here financially, but because we’re both only children and our parents are comfortable (not rich) we’re looking at inheriting say 300k+100k in the next say 10 years, and we don’t have a mortgage, he thinks we’re absolutely fine. I don’t feel we are at all, with the mounting cost of living and health care and what about when we need care and I no longer work!
I want to leave him, so so desperately.
But I’m worried because he’s a man in his 60s who hasn’t had a job in decades, he has no way to get a mortgage or to pay rent, nor to find a job.
The only asset we have is this tiny house which I paid for every penny of the mortgage myself, with a deposit that came from my grandparents’ inheritance (they adored me and they had very little but they wanted me to have it all so that I could have the secure home they never had).
It would break my heart if in the divorce he came after the house, but I don’t see what else he could do…
Will he be able to force me to sell it to give him half the money, after he’s never contributed to it by one penny??
I just would like him to move out, and to start my life over like a clean slate. Is that possible? Am I a monster for thinking this? I have tried so hard to accept this situation, or to change it: I offered to pay for any training for him to change career, to open a business, but no all he wants to sit at home and daydream.
I’m very fond of him, he’s a good person and a lovely man, but I’m sick of this life and I’m scared that he’ll become old and unwell and need me to be his carer and I would really hate that, and I would not be able to leave then and my life will be over. I need to find a way out while I still can walk out.
I would appreciate honest outside perspectives on what my prospects are.