Do people do the best they can with the tools they've got?

[Gentledays]

I’ve been doing a lot of self-reflection lately after my 8 year relationship ended at the beginning of October. It has got me thinking – do you think people do the best they can with the tools they’ve got? And generally speaking, people are good people?

I realise that I relate to so much of the fearful avoidant attachment style and I feel it has hindered me my whole life. I can see how it is difficult to be in a relationship with someone who craves love but also fears it. The push pull dynamic must be hard to be around. It genuinely doesn't come from a place of malice or manipulation, I just never really could put my finger on why I felt like that. I would consider myself a nice person, I try and do my best by people but I struggle if I get overwhelmed. I struggle to muster the courage to speak up about how I truly feel and advocate for myself. I realise this is probably low self-esteem and it builds resentment which I realise is my issue to sort out. I feel like my recent relationship has dimmed my light over the years for lots of reasons.

There are lots of LTB replies to many posts on Mumsnet – but what if people are just doing the best they can? (Whether male or female). If you’re not taught healthy communication as a child, it can really impact you as an adult. And it seems a lot of people don’t reflect on their behaviour in order to improve their situation and relationships. It’s only now that I’m out of my relationship that I’ve been able to take a step back and reflect on how I am. I would hate it if people thought LTB of me, because I really am trying the best with the tools I’ve got. I feel annoyed with my parents (particularly my mum) for not showing me how to communicate effectively and how to set healthy boundaries because it’s really hindered my romantic relationships.

Funnily enough I'm watching The Good Place at the minute and the man in that says to a judge "People improve when they get external love and support. How can we hold it against them when they don’t"

And it made me cry because it is true, if someone hasnt been taught things then it's very difficult. Especially when your having to learn as an adult with children ect

So you think people should just put up with your poor treatment of them as a romantic partner because it’s not your fault? It doesn’t matter whether it’s coming from a place of malice or trauma or genuine obliviousness, no one has to stay in a substandard relationship that isn’t meeting their needs.

If you think that isn't fair then I don’t think you’ve done enough self reflection. I had an emotionally abusive dad and some really fucked up relationship models shown to me by my parents and I used to get dumped A LOT for being a nightmare to date. Several years of therapy later I think those people were absolutely right to dump me and I can see how my damaging thought patterns led to unreasonable behaviour on my part.

I think it is admirable that you have dedicated yourself to this reflection hopefully with the commitment to develop a secure attachment in your next relationship.

However, your fear of attachment does not require other people to remain in a relationship with you, nor does it mean you get to dictate the narrative about the situation.

My experience of being in a relationship with someone who couldn’t communicate properly or handle differences was utterly devastating to my life and took years to get over. LTB was the only possible answer.

In a relationship, each individual has to bring their fair share of the emotional competence. One simply cannot do the work of the other and expect there to be a harmonious relationship.

Was me ex doing the best he could with the tools he had. Yes
Does it make him upset and angry that I view things as I do? Yes
Does having a relationship with someone secure make the grief for the years lost in that relationship even more intense?You bet
Does his need to be seen and perceived as a nice person regardless of his not nice treatment of me trump my need to be honest about the crushing impact on me? No.

You're angry at your mum for not equipping you with tools she probably doesn't have either?

You may not be 'taught' something as a child but it is your responsibility to acquire life skills yourself, whether through your experiences, seeking out professional help, through social interactions or other means. This is how everyone learns to 'get on' in life.

If someone chooses to end a relationship, they are doing so because they don't need to put up with someone else if they don't want to. This is the freedom that we have as individuals and it is overall a positive thing.

People would only say LTB about you if you were behaving like a B, which I'm sure you aren't!

Thanks for your replies. It wasn’t poor treatment as in violence or anything at all like that, and I certainly don’t mean people are doing the best they can when they are being an abusive prick (that’s a whole other thread). My situation is quite complex and we both agreed to end the relationship. I guess I’m talking more about when someone is unable to have the courage to set their boundaries properly and have the courage to have the difficult conversations, come what may.
I’m a people pleaser, I can see that now. And I can become pretty withdrawn if I start to feel overwhelmed or taken advantage of. I did a lot in my relationship and I guess looking back I wish I could have set better boundaries because, in the long run, it would have helped the relationship. I probably wouldn’t have built up so much resentment. I feel like that happens a lot in relationships.
I have a DC and my ex DP never took the time to get to know them, even though I asked lots of times. My ex DP has a lot going on with his DC which meant in reality me and my DC were at the bottom of the pile (not saying that’s wrong btw). I wish I could have had the strength to stick up for us a bit more. I’m a fairly confident person and over the years my light has dimmed; doing the reflection that I am now means I can see this and I know that I have to learn how to set healthy boundaries in the future to allow for a healthy relationship. There was another post on here the other day about setting boundaries i.e. people say to do it, but in reality how do you.

This is very true. I do understand that my mum doesn't have the skills. That's why I really try to show my DC healthy communication, even though I struggled myself in my relationship.

I think that may be true
But you just have to read some threads to see there are many many people who lack the ability or willingness to self reflect.

I left my xH because he was emotionally abusive and controlling. It wasn’t “his fault” as such, his upbringing and his autism were a factor. But he wasn’t able to reflect on it or talk about it or try to improve the relationship.
Whatever the reasons or intent behind it, why should I have to live like that.

whatever the reasons for how you have treated romantic partners, they don’t have to put up with it if it’s not working for them, just because you’re doing your best.

I think if you're self-reflective and trying to do better & break out of your unhealthy relationship behaviours, you're a bit of a different animal to someone who is not self-reflective and not doing the work.

I think probably everyone has unhealthy responses/tools at times.

At the end of the day though, intention isn't magic. Harm is harm.

We're not therapists or emotional punchbags, we're romantic partners.

Your most recent post is interesting. Like you, I'm a people pleaser who finds it hard to set clear and firm boundaries. I incline toward thinking people 'do their best with the tools they have' ‐this is reflected in pretty much everything I do; profession, politics and parenting. It has also excused transgressions from DP over the course of our relationship. Not necessarily major transgressions; more thoughtless, oblivious, opportunistic-in-the-moment, taking-things-for-granted kind of thing. I have felt resentful because to me, it's been obvious that, on those occasions, he has breeched what ought to be commonly understood as a kind of universal boundary or point of fairness. Only I've not necessarily explicitly set it. If I've brought things up, DP's always encouraged me to be more proactive and assertive with stating what I want and setting boundaries, while I feel frustrated, thinking he should either just 'know' or, if in doubt, always err on the side of caution. I don't think either of us is outright wrong, just different styles if relating.
I suppose I'm saying that you sound as if you, while doing some very healthy self-reflection, may perhaps be assigning more weight than strictly necessary to your difficulty with self-advocacy, while I'm wondering what kind of boundaries you have felt you needed to uphold with your DP, and whether a dose of sensitivity and attunement on his part may have prevented you from 'failing' to set boundaries?

Modern relationships, particularly as they are portrayed on social media, can be quite chaotic. Many psychological concepts, such as attachment styles, red flags, and the act of blocking, are often misunderstood and misapplied. For instance, blocking someone is typically a reaction to relationship issues or feelings of rejection. By blocking, the person sends a message that they have chosen to cut ties due to the other person's behaviour. This act offers a sense of control over the people we interact with online, which in turn can help us protect our emotions. It's a form of social ostracisation, are we really going to block or not speak to other humans ever again because they've hurt us or misunderstood us?
This is why commentary claims people have no resilience, block, avoidance, and silence. Problem solved. Not really.

Good luck with that over a period of 70 years. You'll be speaking to no one with a bank vault piled high with emotions and insecurities.

However, this approach has its downsides. By choosing to block instead of communicate, we miss opportunities for meaningful dialogue. Listening to our partner's perspectives—no matter how frustrating they may be—can demonstrate respect, empathy, and wisdom in our relationships.

My parents met at junior school over 60 years ago; at times they tolerated each other, and at times external issues made life incredibly difficult. Communication wasn't always perfect. Nevertheless, over 55 years they learned to communicate, tolerate, forgive, and forget. They didn't have the psychology pop babble noise like we do today.
They just had themselves-the idea to build a life not live in Disney land fantasy world of romance.

Thanks WarmthAndDepth. Yes, you're probably right. Certainly my friends and family are encouraging me to have more compassion for myself because my relationship really was quite difficult at times. I think my love for him meant I was scared to say what I really needed to. I was torn between feeling constantly stressed out but not wanting to lose him. His situation comes with a lot of trauma and one of his DC has a medical complication as well as (probably) undiagnosed ND and this dynamic tended to take over the household. My ex DP is very articulate and I am much more emotional in my communication. He ended up being resentful of my emotions. When I was talking to my DC about why we were ending the relationship, he said he had felt invisible to my ex DP. It absolutely broke my heart and I wished I could have stuck up for him more.

I agree with you op that people are doing the best they can with the tools they've got.

My mum had a terrible childhood and was ill equipped to parent well. She was however a very loving person. But she made a lot of mistakes.
Her mistakes were very damaging to me. But she really was trying her best.

Because she was really trying and never meant any harm, I don't blame her for what happened.
She emerged from her own upbringing scarred and did manage not to pass on all her problems.

She achieved a reduction in generational trauma because she really gave it everything she had in terms of love and a willingness to learn and do better. In fact 4 decades on, she is much better equipped with language and understanding and reactions she lacked before - and if she had her time over would do a better job because she has done the work in going within and being open to change and (constructive) criticism to improve herself so that she can truly express the lovely heart she always had but which was impaired by her own abuse.

None of that alters the fact that I was badly scarred... But I also am grateful for the gifts she gave and the example she set of loving deeply and seeking personal growth.

So I have also self examined and sought to heal, and my own children's childhood is a thousand light years away from what she suffered because she was brave and faced how she was and improved herself inch by inch.

Her relentless search for better (and mine) means that her own grandchildren can enjoy healthy relationships. Like you I have used my experience to equip my kids with some epic emotional understanding and relationship skills.

That's where I'm coming from, so I know that the hand we are dealt does not have to define us forever and we can end our lives in a very different place to where we started it. But scars are deep and it isn't an easy path.

Some people don't even try though and stick to their unhealthy ways. For those people there is no improvement and those around them will always suffer.

A parent relationship is not a romantic one. I think if a damaged person is too damaged to be a partner without causing serious harm to their loved one, then they should ideally seek to heal before they couple up.

In reality, everyone wants a companion and often that doesn't happen and people get involved regardless of the damage they cause. Often they don't even realise it, and that's understandable in many ways.

It is incredibly unfair that a child upon whom emotional wounds are inflicted should have their natural basic desire for a life companion affected by their inability to be in that relationship in a healthy way.

This is why adverse childhood experiences are so hideous because the effects are so long lasting and are passed on unintentionally.

I think if any romantic partner did not want to be in a relationship with someone because their behaviour was too damaging then that's a reasonable decision.

I think sympathy for everyone involved is fair.
If you are the damaged person, I think it is possible to improve your reflexive reactions if you find ways to do the work.

Wish you all the best op. It takes courage to even look this stuff in the eye.