I need practical help leaving an abusive relationship

[Aswewalkinfieldsofgold]

Evening everyone,

I'm not sure where to post this but I'm really hoping for some advice.

I'm in an abusive relationship. He's mentally broken and destroyed me, only been physical once by pushing me in front of our child. Just giving some background. Together 8 years, have a 5 year old child. He is wealthy, I am not but I do work. Not married, so the previous statement is not really relevant. We rent a house together, he pays the rent and I pay the bills. The house is joint tenancy and I can't afford to live here alone.

I'm so broken and I have finally decided I want to leave. However, there are a few concerns stopping me and I'm not sure where to go to for advice? Estate agents? Council? Solicitor?

So here are my questions/concerns. I'll list them in points to make it easier...

1. If we have a joint tenancy, can I just leave? I assume I need to give the estate agent notice. Ideally I don't want to forewarn my partner, I want to find a place and go. Presumably we are both liable for the rent, he can however afford it alone.

1. Rentals in my area are at least 1200 a month. I can afford this if claiming UC to top up my pay. However, I can't claim whilst living with and in a relationship with my partner but can't leave until I get UC. I do have enough saved for 6 months rent upfront. Would this be an option? I've nobody to be a guarantor as my mum is unwell and doesn't work, stepdad doesn't earn enough and my father has passed. I'm not sure who I ask for advice on this? Estate agents? The problem is that my monthly salary needs to be around 3x the rent amount (or possibly more).

1. I'm worried about our child. Partner sits him on Xbox hours a day and spends a huge amount of the day on his phone. He tells out son I'm crazy, a psychopath and an angry person. So my son will ask me why I'm angry etc. obviously he's heard his dad about and swear and push me. However, it doesn't seem to matter at all. I worry my son will want to stay with his dad. I do everything for my child, all days out etc. His dad spends 2 hours a day on the toilet and is on Xbox in his dressing gown until midday. I genuinely feel he will destroy our child with his laziness and misogyny. So what do I do? If I just leave and take our son, what happens? I don't mean take him away so he can't see him but I'd want him to live with me and then his dad will obviously see him. I really do appreciate the role of a fathers influence but my partner is toxic and tells people I'm mentally ill. His reality is distorted and he shouts at me about things that aren't the truth. He has money behind him and I'm worried he'll take our son.

I feel so trapped.

I've also seen a few threads on here recently where women in abusive relationships barely see their kids as the man has managed to portray them as crazy. I'm terrified of this happening.

Bumping in case someone in knowledgeable comes along. All the best op and sort I'm but able to add

Sorry your in this situation-

I would contact your local domestic abuse charity such as IDAS or woman's aid for better advice in these situations.
Won't do any harm to contact a solicitor most offer a free consultation phonecall etc.
if you have 6 months rent saved that's a good start can you stay with family until you can find somewhere to rent?
You may need to report your partner to police to make sure this is recorded for future child custody problems etc.
in terms of your joint tenancy you can absolutley end your tenancy just yourself which will cancel the whole tenancy.
In terms of child custody etc are you able to contact your local social services dept and ask them for help/advice.
It may be that your partner/ex partner doesn't care enough to go down that route but it's best to explain everything to your son when you can.
Sorry it's not great advice hope you have some close friends you can speak to

I would leave with your DC via a refuge as they can support you and you can literally do a daytime flit.

Get in contact with your local domestic abuse organisation for advice and evidence. You can find them by typing 'domestic abuse help'+ your area.

Contact Gingerbread, they have a great helpline for advice regarding single parenthood, benefits etc

Apply for CMS

Do not tell your partner (I assume you're not married) you are thinking of leaving and don't worry, your son will be fine. You are giving him the greatest gift by leaving.

Here's information from Shelter on housing.

Hi, I agree ref the local domestic abuse charity.

The Citizen's Advice Bureau should be helpful too.

Good luck. Xxx

Thank you so much for the advice. I may see if I can pop into my local women's aid for a chat. I just don't want to formalise things and cause issues. It's difficult because he tells everyone I'm crazy. If I ask for help with the housework, he says I'm abusive. I just don't want him taking our son.

You're not crazy, how you're feeling is how it feels after being in an abusive relationship.

I've known women who didn't believe what they were seeing because they'd been so gaslit, they couldn't trust themselves.

It's like coming out of a hostage situation. When you speak to the DV charity, ask about counselling.

I also recommend the Freedom Programme but focus on getting away first. He won't take your son.

This is honestly how I feel. I had him shouting at me the other day because I don't work...I do work. I work 33 hours a week and do an evening course the other day. I work more than he does (he earns a lot more). When I said it was ridiculous, he knows that I work, he went on and on "but it's just not normal that you don't work, is it. There must be something wrong with you. People keep asking me why you don't work, they say you must be mentally or physically ill". How do you even argue a fact? I just walk away now.

You're doing exactly the right thing. You know what he's doing is not rational and you can't argue with someone irrational. Don't waste your energy arguing with him. Just focus on getting away.

Oh the part-time doctor again?!!

What's different this time? You e already had all the help and practical support over your dozens and dozens of threads. Links and information and advice from hundreds of women trying to help. You always just disappear once people recognise you.

Maybe reread all the existing advice you've had before tapping people up for more, without giving the full story.

That said, I hope for your abused sons' sake you actually do want to leave this time, and follow the excellent advice you're always given.

@fraughtcouture can you link the previous threads please?

Oy @fraughtcouture just shut the fuck up, your comments are very unhelpful. If you knew the first thing about dv you would know it takes women an average of 12 goes before they finally leave for good. It's a very complex situation which no one else it entitled to judge.

@Aswewalkinfieldsofgold Definitely women's aid or your local refuge will help, support at your pace and signpost you.

Hi, you can claim UC whilst living with your ex, lots of people claim whilst separated but still living together,

If you wanted to leave straight away, the council would place you in emergency housing, whether that be a hostel, bnb or hotel

Echoing PP, ring the police and make a report of past abusive behaviour. You can say you dont want to do anything right now and they will respect that.

I left a DV relationship almost 8 years ago when mine were 2.6 and 8 months old. I literally thank my oast self several times a month, I'll always be grateful I got out.

It took me several tries too, i was miserable 3 years in and didnt leave till 7 years

You can do this and your gonna be okay, a lovely calm life is waiting out there for you x

Your partner sounds like my ex partner. I was 'crazy' too apparently, and it didn't matter that I was better educated, earned more money than him, did all the housework, was raising our kids alone etc. My solicitor said it is well understood that it is a common insult from abusive men. They all seem to follow the same pattern. He concocted such a fiction about my mental health but there was nothing to back it up. Obviously nothing in my medical records, or from my work history, family and friends etc. Try not to worry about his lies.

OP, you can start preparing now. I spoke to my local DV charity and they were so helpful in guiding me. I did go to the police (no physical violence), to get things on record early on.

I took my kids to my parent's house and did not let him have the kids alone before it was agreed by court. This is really important!

Unfortunately, I could not end the tenancy by myself as it wasn't allowed, and they said I was jointly liable for the rent, but he did eventually agree to end it.

Estate agents did say I could pay some rent upfront if I did not meet the income threshold which was helpful. I will have to move to a cheaper area soon though.

Best of luck OP, if you leave you are doing what is right for your child.