Is DH angry because he's depressed?

[Cantdoitagain77]

We've had one of those days where annoying things happened - a leak, cat puking on the nice rug, an online payment going through twice. DH has overreacted to all of them - really over the top angry responses - and saying things like 'I just can't take anything else' at one point talking about jumping off a cliff - though he said later he really didn't mean that.

He does this. He always has a go at me. As in it's my fault, I've done something wrong. (It has been older DC in the past).

He's said he feels down and he'll talk to someone. So I feel like I should be sympathetic - and pleased he's recognised his mental health isn't good. But I'm sitting upstairs feeling completely exhausted and like I just can't do it again. Just want to curl up in a ball and hide and not have to put on an act in front of the kids.

No matter if he’s depressed or whatever there’s no excuse for verbal / emotional or any other kind of abuse. You can support him but that doesn’t involve being a doormat, I would calmly tell him his behaviour is unacceptable, is very upsetting to be on the receiving end of and that he needs to seek help urgently to try and change.
look after yourself and don’t be gaslit by someone who lashes out and then says it’s for reasons ABC, there’s no justification at all

How long has he been like this?

He shouldn't self-diagnose; he needs to take steps to get a proper professional diagnosis and then treatment as needed. That process, if he engages and is fully honest, will get him help (or at the very least, he and you will know what you're dealing with here without guessing). But he needs to initiate this and follow through, and stay engaged and honest throughout the process. It's not easy, and it will only happen if he genuinely wants to change.

Saying he'll talk to someone is the precursor to a necessary first step and unfortunately many people in this situation pay lip service to get loved ones to reduce the pressure and never do anything. Which leaves you (ad your children, if they still live with you) exactly where you are, which is miserable and unacceptable. In that case, no, you shouldn't be pleased and your sympathy should have limits that get reached when you (and/or the children) are made miserable by his failure to act.

On and off over the last 20 years! Not all the time and there’s no way of predicting.

We had counselling during the worst time, about five years ago. It was me & oldest DC who took the brunt then. But he improved and I stayed because when he's not like this he's a good DH and dad.

OP look up the cycle of abuse and see if it resonates.

This is who he is and he's not going to change. After 20 years he's done absolutely nothing to improve his behaviour despite knowing how it effects you and the children.

Threatening to kill himself is just dramatic nonsense. He sounds very immature and he's a bully. He's been using you as a punch bag for years and you cling on, hoping he'll change.

Have you had a stressful Christmas or has he been drinking over Christmas a bit more than normal? That could be making him less able to tolerate things he could normally take in his stride?

Cake downstairs. Mood completely transformed. You'd never believe he'd been talking about jumping off cliffs earlier.

Makes me think it's not really depression.

DCs have exams years coming. Feel like I have to hold out for them.

Hugs OP, it's no way for you to live. Even if he is depressed he shouldn't take it out on you, and it doesn't sound like he's seeking any help or support for it? I have a lot of complex MH illnesses and admittedly having been sectioned as a teen helped me learn coping mechanisms; but I'm always mindful to recognise my triggers and not take it out on others. It's not an excuse for him treating you like that.

Hebis not a good DH and dad if, whenever something goes wrong he blames you or you child. Instead of pulling together, like a real good DH or dad would.
Things happen. Good people deal with them like an adult. He just beats up on you.

This sounds like bipolar, or some sort of manic episode? That is a huge shift in mood there. Hope your dh gets the help he needs, and that you get support too.

Only reading replies properly this morning - I hung out with the DCs for a while last night (he fell asleep - as he always does - on the sofa at 9)

I thought I'd come on here and be told this all wasn't a big deal and I was overreacting. Not quite sure what to do with what you're all saying.

@KaleQueen - drink has been a trigger before but he hasn't really drunk that much over Christmas. Maybe it's still been enough to affect his mood though.

If he was always like this I might have managed to LTB - but there have been long periods where his mood hasn't been a problem. He's an interesting and funny man then. But there's always a part of me waiting for it to happen again.

You're right he needs to actually do something @OfficerChurlish. I bet he won't.

@SleeplikeababyTonight I don't know if he was putting on an act. Bipolar feels like a big description - it was certainly a vibe shift though...

We had a long chat yesterday. He was his 'good' self - contrite, remorseful and looking online for mental health resources.

Good right? I should be happy he's facing up to it. Instead (and maybe because we went through the old favourites like lack of intimacy - well no s**t) I feel like screaming.

Is he angry towards everybody? Or just you?

So he's angry and you don't want to have sex with him?

Do you ever shout/snap back?

You can't change someone else's behaviour but you can change your own. Alter your responses. Bullies tend to back down when stood up to, so you'll soon find out if he's a bully or not.

@Chowtime - oh just me or DCs. It's always justified by whatever has happened. But I made the point yesterday he manages to control himself with everyone else.

There was an incident on a job interview a few weeks ago where there was a connection problem. One DC was home sick and heard him screaming and swearing - he was really lucky they didn't hear him. No way he'd still be being considered if they had.

I know @Summerhillsquare I do tell him when he's out of order - but also feel like i have to fix whatever has happened