Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sick of the constant stress

13 replies

Al55 · 04/01/2025 09:36

This is a long one. I will try not to drip feed. Myself and DH have been together 9 years, it's always been a difficult relationship. I have a neurological condition. I have recently been in hospital for 5 days, with a serious infection. DH was great during this time.

We have a DC together and I have a SC. SC Mum has put us through hell! She's an alcoholic. We've had ss here and I'm constantly stressed out. SC is with us EVERY weekend (fri-sun. Sometimes Mon) and DH picks up from school 1 day in the week and takes to activity. He isn't home until 7pm. I do everything with our DC, as in school runs and take to all activities. Which is fine. However I struggle when DH is gone 6am-7pm. Our DC is 6 and its alot for me to do everything. They are very well behaved, but dealing with my neuro condition is alot. I'm in pain alot and I feel like a crap mum. His ex clicks her fingers and he's there doing school runs (school is half an hour away for SC).

We recently went out and I was asked if I'd have anymore children. I said that if it was up to me yes. I was just about to say I didnt know if it would be fair on our DC though. Someone said "2 is enough". I said it wasn't the same as I couldn't just do what I wanted with SC, and that I had to constantly think of mum. My DH is now saying that I have SC. I see it as mum is heavily involved, DH has more respect for her than me and he loves her parents. It's all a bit much for me and I just don't know what to do now. He takes his phone everywhere with him and is secretive whenever she msgs him. I can't stand it

OP posts:
PheasantPluckers · 04/01/2025 09:47

I don't know what to say, OP. I'm sorry you're having a rough time, especially struggling with a health condition, but you married a man with a child from a previous relationship with a woman who's an alcoholic, I'm not really sure how you could envisage a life that isn't stressful under those circumstances.

What exactly is causing the stress? Your DH kowtowing to his ex and you feeling disrespected by it or your desire for another child?

For the former (assuming you've already told your DH how you feel), you need to give him an ultimatum and be willing to walk, or just leave him. For the latter, unfortunately having another child would surely add to the stress. Unfortunately for you, your husband has an existing child, he can't just drop him.

Original poster
Al55 · 04/01/2025 10:34

The fact that she's an alcoholic only came to light last year! Things got worse after we were married. We always thought it was an issue with meds, as she told DH about a problem.

SC used to come 1 day at the weekend, which was never an issue. Then they would stop over prob once a month. I find that I need a rest and I just can't. I get on with them great and they have a great relationship with DC. I find it very strange set up though. DH comes home if they are getting dropped off (I'm not allowed to answer the door) and I've never picked up/ dropped off. Yet I'm allowed to look after once here.

I do have a desire for another child yes, but our DC is priority. I haven't got the best mobility and I need to put my all in to our DC and SC.

There's so many issues with ex. It's hard to say without people knowing who I am though. She causes us so many issues and I tried to protect SC, which caused issues between me and DH. I can't see the situation ever changing. SC poured heart out to me one night. I went downstairs and sobbed. When I told DH he said you can't believe everything they say

OP posts:
PheasantPluckers · 04/01/2025 12:28

SC used to come 1 day at the weekend, which was never an issue. Then they would stop over prob once a month.

Do you think that was adequate parenting on your husband's part? Imagine if you split up tomorrow, would you be happy with his involvement being one day at the weekend and once a month? How do you think your daughter would feel about that?

His reaction to you relaying what your SC confided in you is appalling. Does it it instill you with confidence that he will be a caring parent you your shared child? He sounds like a shit father.

Forgottobuymincepies · 04/01/2025 12:30

You need to stop looking after his dc....

Whereisthelove2 · 04/01/2025 13:11

Okay, but have you ever considered your husband loves his first child as much as the child you share - he should be there for this child even more so now given the mother is an alcoholic! You should be considering taking this child on permanently 7 days a week instead of complaining the child is there every weekend and collected from school one day through the week. This is not a lot, especially in the circumstances. You say you were okay with one day at the weekend and once per month - your husband is supposed to be this child’s father - how is he doing this by doing so little now and even less before? Does the child not have a right to have their own father present because he is in a relationship with you and he went on to have another child? Consider if you were to separate in the future, would you be happy for your own child to have so little contact with the father? I’m sure your health conditions make it all extremely exhausting and challenging, but you also did know he had a child prior to settling down with him.

Dontbeme · 04/01/2025 13:24

DH comes home if they are getting dropped off (I'm not allowed to answer the door)

Your DH won't allow you to answer the door of your own home? Why? Is he trying to protect you from an erratic, violent ex or is he trying to prevent the mothers of his DC communicating something to each other?

If she is violent he should be trying to gain full custody to protect his child, so either he's a crap parent or he's hiding something. What's your gut feeling here OP, is he talking her down to you while also talking you down to her? I would be wondering if he's hiding something.

Original poster
Al55 · 04/01/2025 22:06

PheasantPluckers · 04/01/2025 12:28

SC used to come 1 day at the weekend, which was never an issue. Then they would stop over prob once a month.

Do you think that was adequate parenting on your husband's part? Imagine if you split up tomorrow, would you be happy with his involvement being one day at the weekend and once a month? How do you think your daughter would feel about that?

His reaction to you relaying what your SC confided in you is appalling. Does it it instill you with confidence that he will be a caring parent you your shared child? He sounds like a shit father.

Its all the ex would allow, at the time. DH has always done everything asked of him, always paid maintenance and is great Dad. He was taking her to court as she kept changing days, coming up with excuse after excuse.

I was ssoooo angry at this response. I actually said to him "so your calling them a liar? Let's say something happens at school and our DC tells school. What would u do if they said well we can't believe everything they say?".

OP posts:
Original poster
Al55 · 04/01/2025 22:16

Whereisthelove2 · 04/01/2025 13:11

Okay, but have you ever considered your husband loves his first child as much as the child you share - he should be there for this child even more so now given the mother is an alcoholic! You should be considering taking this child on permanently 7 days a week instead of complaining the child is there every weekend and collected from school one day through the week. This is not a lot, especially in the circumstances. You say you were okay with one day at the weekend and once per month - your husband is supposed to be this child’s father - how is he doing this by doing so little now and even less before? Does the child not have a right to have their own father present because he is in a relationship with you and he went on to have another child? Consider if you were to separate in the future, would you be happy for your own child to have so little contact with the father? I’m sure your health conditions make it all extremely exhausting and challenging, but you also did know he had a child prior to settling down with him.

I have said time and time again to him, that if there's a problem SC comes to live with us full time. In my eyes there's no 2 ways about it. He always says Mum deserves a chance...he's given her 3..and a year to sort things...she hasn't!! SC talks about Mum though and says they love her. I can't rest at the min with them here every weekend as they aren't in a routine. Because of circumstances (beyond their control) they are very demanding and I have a bad neurological condition that makes walking, balance and even talking hard at times.

At present they are with us, then go to their mums, then DH mums, then Mums parents. I think it's no routine and it's crap. He says SC is happy and that as long as they are happy he is. I'm not convinced though.

Previously things were fine me and Mum got on OK. SC came here when they wanted to, and everything was OK. Then this...which has had a huge impact on my mental health. Stress also causes my condition to worsen.

OP posts:
Original poster
Al55 · 04/01/2025 22:22

Dontbeme · 04/01/2025 13:24

DH comes home if they are getting dropped off (I'm not allowed to answer the door)

Your DH won't allow you to answer the door of your own home? Why? Is he trying to protect you from an erratic, violent ex or is he trying to prevent the mothers of his DC communicating something to each other?

If she is violent he should be trying to gain full custody to protect his child, so either he's a crap parent or he's hiding something. What's your gut feeling here OP, is he talking her down to you while also talking you down to her? I would be wondering if he's hiding something.

I previously wouldn't allow the ex here or to know exactly where we lived, as she had a mental bf. Who was known to the police. She came to pick SC up for the first time a couple of months back (as apparently her and mental bf split). He said he was taking the dog out (the kids were playing out, we live in a very quiet area). She didn't even come to the house, he saw her out with the dog and handed sc over.

It's all so strange! I asked to see msgs between him and her. He refused to show me! Something is going off. Maybe she's drinking again and he doesn't want me to know? I really don't know. I'm just really peed off

OP posts:
Original poster
Al55 · 04/01/2025 22:25

Forgottobuymincepies · 04/01/2025 12:30

You need to stop looking after his dc....

I do love them. They are a great kid at heart. Who like me, has had their life turned upside down

OP posts:
Seaoftroubles · 04/01/2025 22:45

OP, It's a very strange situation if your husband won't allow you answer your own front door when your SC is being dropped off. As@Dontbeme says l would be wondering what kind of information he doesnt want you and ex wife to share. Also l'd be querying why you are not allowed to see messages between them, why is that? Also the fact he didn't believe what SC hac said when they poured their heart out to you. Again, why? And what was the child's main cause of upset? All of this sounds almost like he wants to kerp you in the dark.

Original poster
Al55 · 05/01/2025 11:31

Seaoftroubles · 04/01/2025 22:45

OP, It's a very strange situation if your husband won't allow you answer your own front door when your SC is being dropped off. As@Dontbeme says l would be wondering what kind of information he doesnt want you and ex wife to share. Also l'd be querying why you are not allowed to see messages between them, why is that? Also the fact he didn't believe what SC hac said when they poured their heart out to you. Again, why? And what was the child's main cause of upset? All of this sounds almost like he wants to kerp you in the dark.

They were never married. Only together a couple of years. Hes just said "I don't trust u not to say anything". What the hell does he think ill say infront of SC? So strange! Tbh it's getting to a point I don't trust him and he doesn't trust me. I don't see a way forward. I told him again this morning that I wanted to see the msgs. He said "here" after scrolling through some. I think he's deleted some. He said that I'd take some the wrong way and get angry when his ex had said "it's medication". He said he agrees with her and says "ok" for easiness. I'm wondering what I got myself in to. I said that what do u think ill think? That SC should be with us? I'm starting to wonder what he's hiding from me, and why SC isn't with us. She'll resent me when she's older if he doesn't sort this mess out!! 😪

OP posts:
Original poster
Al55 · 05/01/2025 11:32

I didn't take the phone and read the msgs. Which I'm regretting now

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page