Worried my 'dream' relationship is starting to look a bit shit...

[TwinkleInYourEye]

Hi, I've NC..Partner and I have been together 2.5 years. I'm calling him 'partner' but we don't live together. We both have teenage kids and live an hour apart. We see each other mid week for a date or sleep at one another's home, and most weekends. He has loads of annual leave and I m self employed so we actually manage to see each other quite frequently. I'm early 50s, he's a few years older, I felt I'd met the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with pretty quickly after meeting him. And I still feel like that - we love each other, we get on well, we have lots of common interests and we both have good friends and hobbies away from each other. Of course, I don't expect things to be perfect but I seem to be getting increasingly irritated with him and I'm worried we might become incompatible.

I am definitely an impatient person and I have to reign in my 'irritatedness' but I honestly do try. He is a lovely, kind, funny, intelligent, affectionate person but I find him quite clunky sometimes. We will be relaxing and he'll suddenly jump up or suggest we do something else. I'll be telling him an anecdote and he clearly isn't listening and he'll get distracted by something pretty standard like a tree (I mean something that he could easily wait a few seconds to remark on but instead will just cut in on the story instead) so I frequently don't tell him news or anything that will take much concentration from him. He has problems sleeping and, particularly in the past, drove me insane by saying hello in the middle of the night, banging into me in bed or asking me to look at something out of the window. We've talked about the fact that after we've cuddled and said goodnight, I don't think want any conversation or contact til morning (I think this is normal!!??) and he says he is fine with this but then occasionally still does stuff that totally pisses me off. Other day, I felt really ill and had to stay extra night at his house. He was lovely, looked after me with glasses of water etc. He said goodnight and was going to sleep in another room (and I know that's really lovely and considerate of him) but then a few hours later, when he was going up to bed, I'd accidentally left his ensuite light on so apparently he assumed I was awake. He said hello loudly and woke me up. I know this sounds minor but I was feverish and felt horrendous and had just dropped off to sleep...I felt so upset that he'd woken me up again!!! I know he doesn't mean to do it. It's like he's incredibly clumsy around social and sleep norms. He thinks he has ADHD and I have close family members who are neuro divergent so whilst I know there are many and varied characteristics of ADHD, I do recognise some of them. It's obvs not a problem in the least that he's probably ND,but I do worry that he can't seem to recognise that the sleep issues are a problem for me. I think writing this down make me sound like a proper diva. I don't think I am but I am definitely not the most easy going person either. Does this relationship sound hard work?

So he doesnt listen and wakes you up in the night? Doesnt exactly sound like a marriage made in heaven.

The problem is that your tolerance is on the wane but he's still got enough good qualities. When these erode (and they definitely will) then his waking up in the night will irritate you eve more and you'll wish you got rid sooner, so basically...get rid now. And living an hour apart is rubbish too.

Living with someone impatient is hard. My father was a kind gentle soul and my mother made no attempt to hide her impatience with him. It came across as bullying. As children we hated watching her turn on him crossly whenever he said or did the wrong thing in her eyes.
You are unlikely to grow more tolerant as you get older. You would probably find him hard to live with. You would probably find anyone hard to live with if you are impatient and you get cross easily. Unfortunately, the end is nigh and you perhaps have to accept it and extricate yourself.

He sounds like a bit of a ditz. I couldn't put up with this either, he doesn't give a toss. Him seeing an interesting tree or the moon is more important than what you're saying or your sleep.

He sounds fundamentally selfish. A toddler can't wait to show you a tree or look out of the window but a grown man knows to wait.

Does he do this at work as well? Interrupt meetings to show people clouds?

You're both set in your own ways. Only you can decide if it's a deal breaker.

Seems a shame to throw away a relationship that has a lot of good points over what very much sounds like ADHD (was thinking it as I read, before you brought it up).

Would he consider looking for a diagnosis and pursuing treatment or medication? Or could you learn more about ADHD and improve your skills in dealing with the things he struggles to integrate?

If you can make a shift from handling situations with humour and acceptance of difference instead of irritation (which is really just a form of entitlement to have things how you want them).

I say all this as someone dating someone who is almost certainly undiagnosed ADHD and I recognise some of your complaints.

It seems a shame to throw away an otherwise good relationship over something minor. Could you not just wear earplugs at night?

Hmmm going against the grain here to say you sound like hard work to be with and not very forgiving.
These are the kind of quirks one finds generally likeable in someone they love.
Do you think maybe you've developed the ick and would just rather be alone?

SorryOP you sound a bit like me.
Cannot abide other people's little ways and get irritated!
He doesn't sound all that bothersome tbh but if it is for you then it's a deal breaker, it just might be a you thing I'm afraid!

You won't find anyone who is perfect.
Only you know whether you would rather be alone or tolerate the odd quirk from a pretty nice partner.

Have you asked him whether you frighten him when you react or whether you upset him by being so insistent on silence?
It would not be healthy to continue the relationship if he feels fear when you act displeased.

It's irrelevant what it is that irritates you, if he irritates you now it will only get worse due to your age, take it from me!

What you might want to think about though is, finding someone at this time of life who, appears to have some fairly nice qualities. Adjusting to sharing someone else's space in your 50s is no mean feat!

Good luck OP

This sounds exactly like my OH (who has recently been diagnosed with ADHD and is awaiting autism diagnosis)! We have been together for years and years and I have always known he is the love of my life. But yes... I relate to everything you are saying. Mine used to sing incredibly loudly during the night as he would wake up from dreams where he had composed a song and "had" to record it into his phone immediately as he didn't want to forget this chart-topping hit!

To be fair - he is actually a songwriter now for a living, and I love his creativity and general kookiness. However I did not love being woken up constantly!

It really helped when he embraced the possibility that he had ADHD and was therefore willing to try to rein in or adapt some of the impulsive behaviour. Your partner won't be doing these things maliciously or because he "doesn't care" enough about you to stop - if he does have ADHD traits then this will be his automatic response. However that doesn't mean he can't commit to taking control of it a little bit more than he is currently doing, for your sake. My OH did 2 rounds of CBT through NHS talking therapies (even before his diagnosis) which taught him to slow his thinking and change some behaviours. That then led him to seek ADHD diagnosis.

Also important to note that I have to say things multiple times to my OH, in different ways, to get him to understand sometimes why things are important to me. Even obvious things like not having conversations during the night!

It's well worth having a focused conversation with him, as close as possible to when he wakes you up (eg the next morning so it's fresh in his mind).

"Bill, please can we talk about the fact you woke me up and started talking to me at 3 o'clock this morning. There's nothing worse than sleep deprivation, once you've woken me up and started chatting away to me, I can't get back to sleep so that's my night ruined for me. I really need you to keep quiet once we've said goodnight, it's becoming a real issue to me, I can't operate on 2 hours sleep a night".

see what he says when you say it how it is,

if he takes it on board, then you know he cares about your needs.

if he flat refuses to make any effort and you see no improvement then it's goodbye, nice knowing you, sorry you don't give a shit about me.

I'll be telling him an anecdote and he clearly isn't listening and he'll get distracted by something pretty standard like a tree (I mean something that he could easily wait a few seconds to remark on but instead will just cut in on the story instead) so I frequently don't tell him news or anything that will take much concentration from him.

re: interrupting you to talk about a tree lol, I'd pick your battles and get the night time situation sorted out first, that's most important. Once that's under control, you can then start saying "um Bill, I was saying something when you just stopped me in my tracks to talk about that fine 200 year old oak, but can I finish what I was saying in future and then we can talk about the oak, is that OK?"

if he is ADHD, then it will take a bit of time and patience to help him adjust his impulses, but if you think he's worth it in other ways then give it a try and see if it makes any difference.

also, bear in mind your own behaviour. If you're telling him an anecdote, you need to get to the point pretty quickly, sorry to say it like this, but if you're rambling on and that's taxing his powers of conversation, don't expect him to sit there patiently while you get to your point, you need to adjust your communication style too. Give and take, and all that!

I was reading and pretty much from the start I was thinking “this man had ADHD”

Maybe it’s not going to work out .
For me the sleep would be the deal breaker or the not getting any .
If you can adapt with the rest and he can work on the letting you sleep maybe it’s something that can be sorted .

I think both myself and DP have ADHD although he isnt ready to accept it! He does that thing if cutting me off too, i make an effort to listen to his boring anecdotes and then he can hardly bear to listen to me at all sometimes. I tell him straight! When it happens i just say 'you just cut me off' and he realises and apologises. Just recently theres been some glaring occasions where he hasnt listened and i point that out too.

Tbh he sounds just like my husband who is a thoroughly wonderful human being with annoying traits (I have them too). When my husband interrupts me I say 'my mouth is still moving can you let me finish'. My husband is an early riser and if I am not ready to converse I'll tell him I love him but if I don't go back to sleep he may not love ME much longer.
If you tried this what would his reaction be? My husband takes it all with good grace and is apologetic.

Waiting time to be diagnosed on NHS is currently 4 years. By that time your relationship will be long gone as he seems to be annoying you. You both sound set in your ways and incompatible so just put him out of his misery and end it

Does your husband enjoy being told off like he is 5 year old?

He could pay privately. .
Jeeze the amount of people just cutting the dp of for the high chance of having ADHD
I don’t think it’s that they are simply incompatible. I think it’s about compromise and working together. .
Thats what happens when a relationship moves on is it not ?

Sad to throw this relationship away over such workable things tbh. But I’d say you’re no walk in the park either…I’d imagine he’s walking on egg shells often which isn’t great either

What, before they've had a proper conversation and got the issues out in the open and tried to put some steps in place to compromise and find a solution. That's surely what marriage/relationships are all about, effort and compromise when there are a lot of upsides.

I'm all for dumping some of the feckless irresponsibly abusive arseholes that get discussed on here, but not for someone who has attention deficit and just needs some patient, supportive communication to point out the effect of their behaviour on the relationship.

@Dollychopsporkchops said it so well. I agree.

you sound like hard work

You sound great and I can understand the frustration.

And I think you can work this one through.

Also - don’t put yourself down! The fact that you like to be listened to, once you start talking, is OK. Just as it’s OK that he bounds around like a spaniel.

You both sound like people who can rise to the occasion here and talk things through, put some more boundaries down, be on each other’s sides and do the work. That’s my strong hunch.

I don’t think sounds like any more hard work than another strong relationship or relationship with strong potential.

He cares about you, you care about him. You articulate your feelings. That’s a good sign.

It’s interesting that you ask the question though. Were you hoping that it wouldn’t require this much work, based on previous relationship experience? Does it make you feel exposed, to need to explain your needs over again?

Your relationship does sound like hard work and the problems you’ve described would be deal breakers for me.

You can’t have proper conversations and you can’t sleep in the same house. These problems may stem from his ND and maybe he could work on his conversation skills but if he doesn’t know not to wake someone up when they are asleep then there’s no hope really.

People might make light of two or three broken night’s sleep each week as there are so many people on here with babies who won’t get a full night’s sleep for a year or so. But that is not the stage of life you are at and there is no reason for your sleep to be disturbed. No wonder you have little patience and are irritable.