Boyfriend’s sister has told a lie about me - how do I handle it without creating further issues?

[Jennifer5643]

I have been in a happy and stable relationship with my boyfriend for 5 years.

We are in our late 30s. He has one sister, who is the same age as us.

I have always got on very well with his parents and his sister (or so I thought). There have never been any issues, they have been welcoming to me (his parents more than his sister - but still, she has been absolutely fine and cordial and I’ve never had any issues with her) and I have enjoyed spending time with them.

We spent Christmas together and everything was great.

However, my boyfriend has now told me that his father has told him that his daughter (my boyfriend’s sister) has told him (my boyfriend’s father) that she overheard me calling him (my boyfriend’s father) a very nasty, rude and offensive word to my boyfriend over Christmas.

This is simply not true. I did not say anything detrimental about my boyfriend’s father, and certainly did not say the word she has accused me of. It is a horrid word, and not within my vocabulary. Indeed, I have no reason to say it against my boyfriend’s father - I really like him and appreciate how welcoming he has been towards me for the past 5 years.

I am really shocked, hurt and surprised. I don’t know why my boyfriend’s sister has said this. It is upsetting.

My boyfriend said he told his father that I did not say that, and I really like him and he doesn’t know what his sister is talking about. He said he defended me absolutely, and he says his father believes him - but I cannot be sure as I wasn’t there. My boyfriend has not yet been able to speak to his sister directly about this.

What do I do? I do not want to create a further problem and get myself involved but, equally, I feel I must address this direct with his sister and defend myself. I want to understand why she has told this lie about me. Quite frankly, I am angry and upset and don’t know what she is playing at but an emotional reaction from me isn’t going to help the situation.

I want to address the situation with her calmly, and ask her why she has said what she has said. But is that the right thing to do, or will it just create further issues?

I feel I cannot just ignore it, but perhaps I should stay silent?

I am an only child myself, so this is new ground for me. I’ve never had an issue like this before

Any thoughts most welcome.

You don't need to do anything. Your boyfriend can handle it. You did not say that word to him and so he can challenge her and ask her why she would say such a thing. Anything you do could inflame the situation. She's trying to make trouble. Don't play into her hands

Is there anything at all she could have mistaken the word for? Could you have been talking about something or talking about his dad and said something which just sounded like it?

It’s just so odd for her to make this up, I’d be trying to come up with any excuse for her. It just sounds like nastiness.

Does she have trouble getting on with her parents? And maybe doesn’t like that you fit in the family so well?

I have nothing. I am not an only child and I still would not know what to do.

But I think I would be direct with BF
”What's going on with your sister? Why is she trying to destroy my good relationship with your parents? Is she trying to break us up? Or trying to make you look bad? Does she have form for this? “

Its all well and good that he “handled “ it but when someone shows you who they are believe it the first time. Unless she tells you she has a brain tumor I would assume that she is really this person: not well disposed, actively malicious, and the whole family knows it and has been just waiting for her to unmask.

I want to understand why she has told this lie about me. Don't get sucked into this type of thinking. No good will come of trying to 'understand'.

There is no explanation she will give that will change anything. If there was a decent reason, she could proactively contact you to explain.

There is no point getting involved, your BF is handling it.

Of course you are shocked, hurt, upset, angry, offended. But put your effort into yourself, don't waste any energy talking to her about this.

Thank you so much to everyone who has responded. I really appreciate your helpful and considerate comments.

I think you are all right that it is best I don’t get involved, as that will only inflame the situation.

I am very surprised this has happened. I would have thought that if his sister was malicious, I would have figured that out before now! It makes me wonder what else she may have been saying about me behind my back… :(

I don’t think she could have mistaken what I said. I would have hoped she knew after 5 years I didn’t hate her father. I have spent much time with them, they have been so welcoming and treated me like family. I have always felt so lucky to be in their presence and to have a boyfriend whose family have been lovely to me.

It is all very sad and upsetting. I will take your advice and try and focus on myself and not get too down about this.

Thank you once again.

I thought I got on well with my SIL and I did until after a few years and I married her brother and then had a child quickly. She never married or had children and her unhappiness was directed at any women she knew who managed it that were a similar age to her but especially me. She lost some of her friends because of her behaviour.

Don’t say a word, let your BF handle it.

I would speak to FIL and just say that I know DP has told you that I didn't make this comment and I want to just confirm to you myself that I did not say that and would never have said that. I'm unsure why you have been told this, but it simply didn't happen. I wouldn't speak to the SIL and would avoid her going forwards. I would especially ensure I was never alone with her.