Advice on divorce and ‘modelling a good relationship’ for DC

[TennerTuesday]

I often see advice on here about modelling a good relationship for one’s children, specifically in response to someone who is deliberating over whether to leave an unhappy or abusive marriage. It is better to show our children what a healthy, loving and respectful relationship looks like, and also to show them they do not have to put up with any kind of mistreatment in their childhood or in their own adult relationships.

however, I’ve also read a lot of advice which says, if you are separating/divorcing, do not involve the kids or give them details of why. Don’t apportion blame or let anything cloud their judgement of the other parent.

I agree with both of these sentiments, but I feel they are in conflict with each other. Are we hoping that the DC figure it out, in a roundabout way, in their own time? How can I show them that it is not ok for daddy to hit mummy or bully the children without outright saying to them that those are the reasons for the split?

I am asking this because I am in this situation right now. They witnessed something between DH and I, which I think may be the final straw for me, but I don’t know how to deal with it from here.

Please call Women's aid and get help to make sure you are all safe to leave the relationship as safely as possible. You don't need to go into too much detail with dcs at this stage, you can deal with that later. Good luck

If it’s an abusive relationship where the abuse was witnessed by the children then I would as a parent explain to them why it was wrong and unhealthy. I’m a child of divorced parents where no abuse happened so I just knew it was other reasons. Children also aren’t stupid, even young children know what’s going on, in my opinion you may as well be open about it, but explain in a child friendly way (obviously). Unfortunately the damage has already been done by the sounds of it. I hope you can get to safety OP, best of luck.

Not an easy situation dear @TennerTuesday ,first priority is to get you and your DC out of there. I was in a very similar position (I've now been divorced a few years) and the DC know that I asked DH to leave because he "wasn't very nice to me". They saw some of the abuse but were very young at the time (now tween) so possibly don't remember it or haven't realised that was part of it. Part of the reason I realised that I had to get out was that my youngest started to copy DH's behaviour towards me, and we have had to talk (just a little, occasionally) about that behaviour not being nice and that's why I'm not with DH any more. It's more of a drip-feed over a long time than making a big announcement...so DC don't have to react to it (they are always defensive of their dad), and that seems to be working ok. I don't know what else to do.

I have said that there is other stuff that I will talk about when they are older, and for a long time they nagged to know what it was, to try and understand. This was difficult, as I have worked very hard to allow them to make their own minds up about him...but a big part of the reason I haven't said anything is because he was abusive to them as well, emotionally and sometimes physically. And I don't know how to say that to them, it is too heart-breaking.

DH continues to be abusive and spends as little time as possible with them, just enough to allow him to believe/claim to others that he is a hands-on dad. I have no doubt that this is presented to his family, and possibly to the DC themselves, as me not allowing him to have more time with them. But when the time comes for that discussion I will be able to show that I asked every year which holiday weeks he wanted...and he never responded.

Anyway, concentrate on getting out of there, have a stock phrase or two that you use for now, and then when things are more resolved, you can explain it when you're not still in the middle of it. Best of luck love.

Thank for you the thoughtful responses. I’m not in any danger. He has never been violent but has past history of being angry and occasionally aggressive and this behaviour came out again recently. It’s not an ‘urgent’ situation that needs an immediate exit but I’m just tired of it all and grappling with how to make sure DC don’t think this stuff is ok or normal.

I've wondered this too, in the context of parental alienation, so following with interest.

Just to clarify as I’ve realised I referenced ‘daddy hitting mummy’ in my OP but that hasn’t happened to me- it was just an example.