Can you fall back in love with someone?

[WhatToWrite]

DH and I have been together 20 years with 3 children aged 3, 6 and 9. We met and married young, at university. We have a great standard of living, and a relatively stress free and contented life, some ups and downs along the way but nothing like very serious illness or adultery.

I just don't feel like I love him! We don't really have a romantic or sexual connection any more. We muddle along pretty well, although this is falling apart as I am withdrawing from him. I know I am, I just can't help myself. I haven't really got anything to say to him and no desire to spend time one on one. I focus entirely on the children.

He's not a perfect angel, he has a lazy/selfish tendency at times, but he is fundamentally a decent and kind person and I think he deserves more from a wife than I feel able to give. Can I break up a family though, where it's just because I'm a bit dissatisfied? I can't imagine the fallout for the kids, and DH himself would be devastated.

I have a fantasy of my own home, my own life, my own decisions, not having to share with another adult. I think it is probably not realistic. I don't even know where I would begin, practically or financially, never mind emotionally

I keep waiting to fall back in love, or lust, or even just easy contentment. It's not happening so far.

I don't need any replies really - it's helpful just to write this down and get it out of my head. It feels like it's swirling.

In uour case it may be possible if you sort out the selfishness etc. I would say a counsellor to air all of these things would do you good whether you stay together or not. Once those things are addressed (if they are) then you can see what happens. You may just realise that the relationship has run its course and that's ok too.

A marriage therapist who can help you together rebuild connection could be really helpful.
There are exercises- like talking about what you fell in love with about one another, what you admire, staring into one another’s eyes and saying nothing. Date nights. These are all ways to build connection

I’m pretty sure DH has had periods of not loving me anymore. I don’t blame him. I was Not Nice to be around for quite a while post partum. I drove him up the bloody wall when I got into my first argument on here about trans reality v acceptable options to have, back before it was “a thing”. Because I turned into a dog with a bone and made more stickers than dinners. And I hadn’t been that great about producing dinners in the first place. I have ADHD and a personality that isn’t easy to live with for all of the people all of the time. Then peri menopause joined the party with the Covid brain damage, the ADHD and all sort weird thinkings on my part.

It’s a vice-versa thing. There have periods when I barely liked him, let alone loved him.

Thankfully we don’t seem to have both been in the “out of love” state at the same time. And between the “out” stages we both found periods where we were “in” again.

I wasn’t particularly concerned about any of the above because my great grandmother had the “realities of long marriage” talk with all of us from the 1st Wave of cousins. The 2nd wave missed out because they were too little when she died. Her talk pretty much matched what happened, and I think it helped to enter a marriage with children in a position not to be freaked out when it wasn’t all happily ever after post the throwing of confetti.

I empathise, OP. You could try couples counselling. Or sex counselling. I imagine that some people can fall back in love/lust; sometimes it’s just not possible though, you enter a “flatmate”/friend/sibling type relationships and that is difficult to reverse. It’s worth trying though. Or, you muddle through til the kids are adults. You’d probably both need to agree on that though.

I don't really believe anyone truly loves one another in a long term relationship.

Yeah, no. I'm more in love with my DP of 30 years now than ever before.

Sounds like you've already checked out of the relationship and you just need to move on. Why would DH be devastated when he basically already just lives his own life?

Cut yourself some slack OP - 3 kids and working is exhausting and stressful, there is nothing more passion killing than working all day followed by homework and childrens bedtimes. I have been with my DH since we were 19- its hard not to compare how we were then to how we are now , but we can't go back because we are fundamentally different people, as sad as i find it. A marriage is an ebb and flow, sometimes its good, sometimes not, and young children if often in the not column! There have been years where our sex life/communation was terrible, the kids weren't sleeping, work was hard, no money, just a general shitshow. As they get older you should be able to spend more time together, the intimacy will return and you will remember how far you have come. We are only now finding our way back to eachother after nearly 12 years of parenting now the kids are older. The best thing for you to do it to find sometime, without the kids, and talk to your husband about how you are feeling, and plan your way forward.

Personally I think if he's not a bad bloke you make it work until the kids have left home. Not a popular or modern opinion but it's mine.

You've got a lot on your plate. I'd ask him how he's feeling. He might feel the same and be willing to go for marriage counselling. 3 dcs is tiring.