Can you fall back in love with someone?

[WhatToWrite]

DH and I have been together 20 years with 3 children aged 3, 6 and 9. We met and married young, at university. We have a great standard of living, and a relatively stress free and contented life, some ups and downs along the way but nothing like very serious illness or adultery.

I just don't feel like I love him! We don't really have a romantic or sexual connection any more. We muddle along pretty well, although this is falling apart as I am withdrawing from him. I know I am, I just can't help myself. I haven't really got anything to say to him and no desire to spend time one on one. I focus entirely on the children.

He's not a perfect angel, he has a lazy/selfish tendency at times, but he is fundamentally a decent and kind person and I think he deserves more from a wife than I feel able to give. Can I break up a family though, where it's just because I'm a bit dissatisfied? I can't imagine the fallout for the kids, and DH himself would be devastated.

I have a fantasy of my own home, my own life, my own decisions, not having to share with another adult. I think it is probably not realistic. I don't even know where I would begin, practically or financially, never mind emotionally

I keep waiting to fall back in love, or lust, or even just easy contentment. It's not happening so far.

I don't need any replies really - it's helpful just to write this down and get it out of my head. It feels like it's swirling.

My personal opinion (not necessarily a popular one based on the majority of Mumsnet posts)... It is possible to rekindle things but it requires effort on both sides. You need to recreate a connection and that means spending time, being open and honest, and recognising the good things in each other. It may or may not be possible.

Whilst divorce or separation isn't terminal for your children, and might be better than staying in an abusive situation, I have to tell you that it is tough for kids, even older ones, plus co-parenting is not easy.

I'd always recommend exploring ways to stay together before making any final decisions. But if you do go down that route, then making a clean, swift break and keeping things as amicable as possible, putting children first, is the way to go.

I could have written this myself, so many similarities and I too have found myself withdrawing over the last few months. No advice I’m sorry, but interested to hear what others might say. I have got an ever growing list of things I’m resentful for/don’t like and I’m finding this is clouding everything. I don’t even know how to start the conversation but realise things cannot go on this way indefinitely.

Is it worth exploring counselling together first? You were in love enough to have a 3rd child only 3 years ago. What’s changed since then?

Is your ideal life one that never involves falling in love with again again? Do you seek a solitary life? Can you see benefits in not seeing your children every day?

Sounds like you have checked out a bit to be honest and I’m not sure it’s easy to come back from that romantically. Has your head been turned by someone as that can mess your head up and make you think irrationaly too.

I agree from experience it’s possible to improve on your current situation. You haven’t got “the ick” you’re just not in the habit of functioning like a couple who are in love. You still have demanding little kids.

im interested though that you think he deserves a “better wife”. Do you really think this?

in a long relationship of my own I definitely fantasise about living apart - decorating the house my way, becoming a vegetarian, being able to watch what I like in TV and not waste money on expensive wine.

I also fantasise about being athletic, an author and having blond hair. None of those things will ever happen. Harmless and natural to wonder what a different life might look like.

Maaybe don’t overthink aand invest time and effort in talking to dh about a marriage “health check”.

@Brioche7 not easy to come back from checking out, but not impossible.

Yes!

If he’s fundamentally decent and kind as you have said then I would absolutely try and figure it out. You won’t fall back in love / lust without effort on both sides so perhaps some couples counselling.

Being a single parent isn’t a cake walk…. So if you’ve got a decent partner but are just missing that spark (which is completely normal in a LTR) then I’d be trying to make it work.

Thanks all. Food for thought. I expect I need to be a lot more honest with myself and with him.

I love him and want the best for him but I'm really not sure that's me. Not the way I feel at the moment, checked out and cold.

He does stuff that annoys me and that I find hard to live with but it isn't anything that crosses a line or is deliberately unkind. It's just a bit selfish and irritating, like mess, poor timekeeping, that sort of thing. Stuff I could cope with when I felt madly in love with him, and can't cope with any more.

Yes. I did.

When you've been together for a long time you grow up together... You change

You have to date again and develop new interests

I think it’s human nature to dwell on the negatives. I’m not saying you’ll ever feel that amazing “in love” feeling again but there’s a halfway house of contendedness where you let the small things slide. My dh and I have our issues - a few weeks ago we had a row and he screamed at me that I’m deranged (well, I’m peri, so yes that’s fairly true some of the time). And my dh is grumpy and controlling and emotionally unavailable. And I can be a nightmare to live with, I could list all the reasons he has developed contempt and bitterness over.

But I think I still love him and more to the point, I love our life - I wouldn’t be able to cope with only seeing my kids 50% of the time.

Over time I have concluded it’s okay to carve out “me” from the wider marriage and if I leave to live alone, what’s wrong with list living a bit more independently within the marriage?

you can still have your cake and eat it, it just might be a slice of Battenberg rather than a massive wedge of chocolate brownie with a side of double cream

Yes, it is.

You need to want to do it though, and commit to doing what it takes to forge a connection again. But I think having kids is as good a reason as any to try.

Do you think it’s you that’s withdrawn from him the most? Or is the coldness a response to him being cold with you?

I felt checked out of my long term relationship for 2 years. There was a lot of resentment and just didn't want to engage with him anymore. So I ended things and moved out but he still wanted us to get back together. We were both upset as clearly still love each other. So we had some space for a few months and then we have started dating again. I crave his company again and we will sit and chat on the phone in the evenings. He seems a lot more appreciative of me and interested in what I've got to say. Now it's easier for me as I don't have kids but I really felt there was no way back but as soon as I moved out I regretted it. I wonder if there is a way to have a little bit of space and focus on spending time together like you used to? It may not have a happy ending but it might make you see things clearer.

I would think long and hard about this, in your shoes. You have three children. This means you have been tired for nine whole years - navigating nursery, primary, clubs, sleepless nights, illnesses, etc. You’ve just got one kid out of nappies when another one arrives to step into them. Having children that small for that long is EXHAUSTING. It changes how you feel when about everything. If he’s fundamentally a decent human being and you can still see a lot of good in him that do what you can to get things back on track - counseling, joint hobby, whatever it takes, because as you get older good men become very thin on the ground, becoming a single parent can be a drain on your time and finances, a lot of the time the grass is not greener.

At least have a conversation with him first. Tell him you feel a disconnect and explore ideas for how to move forward.

My friend’s mum gave her a really important piece of advice when she was getting married and it was to always remember you’re a wife as well as a mother. Nurturing that relationship means that you will continue to be a team when the going gets tough.

Absolutely, yes. But it requires time and effort from both of you. One person can start the process, but eventually the other has to also join in, even if they are not conscious they are doing it, simply because you are behaving differently. Part of it is mindset and deciding that you want to do it, being conscious and intentional in all your interactions. Let the minor irritations slide, because everyone is annoying sometimes - I can guarantee there are things you do that irritate him.

Read some of John Gottman's work especially the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Remind yourself of why you chose to marry him in the first place. Try to focus on positives instead of negatives, because what we focus on tends to grow.

If he is a good, kind man, even if a bit lazy at times (aren't we all?), it would be worth the effort before going nuclear. And it is much easier to do while staying in the same house than trying to come back together after a separation.

I agree on this except the bit about accepting the things he does that irritates you. Part of being in a marriage is acting with consideration to your partner. The things he does are selfish, do affect you and are easy for him to resolve ( not being messy and being better with time keeping). So talk to him about that but be prepared to make small changes for him too.

The minor irritations I refer to are simply not worth conflict over or even a discussion. Yes, we should act with consideration, but if it is a difference of opinion on e.g. how to fold clothes or similar, it isn't worth it. Accept that your way is not necessarily right all of the time for everybody. My version of mess and someone else's may not be the same.

Expecting someone else to always tidy up or being consistently late is absolutely worth discussing. However, it needs to be approached from a place of I feel X when Y happens, how can we address this together. So that it doesn't become accusatory and adversarial.

I find that magazine and newspaper relationship advice varies drastically depending on whether the poster / person writing in with a problem has children or not.

And if it’s a woman with children, she has to live in a domestic violence set-up before her needs are primary, Maslow’s hierarchy needs.

I exaggerate only very slightly.

Can you write a note on your phone of the points that stress you or make you feel alone for a month? And then look back over them and see how you feel as you read them.

Tap into your bodily responses, too. Give them a daily number.

I don’t think that thinking about leaving a marriage because you have gone cold on it is a terrible thing to do. But do think about it and reflect on it, as you do. Reflect on how impassioned or bored you are by other aspects of your life, too. See where else you putting more effort in might result in some added bounce. Look outside the relationship. What needs work? What were your parental relationship models like? And how does this echo or cross them?

If you have come as far as writing this post out here on mumsnet, you have come a long way in your mind.

Thanks all. I do appreciate everyone's experiences and insights.

There are a few real crunch points that have led to this, specifically sex/intimacy, the demands of parenting and just a lack of emotional satisfaction and connection. We're friends, almost like siblings that co-parent. I do worry that what we are modeling is not a healthy relationship though.

DH is a hugely self-sufficient person, happy in his own company and his own world that I just orbit. He is kind and gentle, but ultimately just does his own thing, which usually is for his own benefit. He has always been this way and it's what has made him successful in his life and his career but it's difficult to live with.

I don't really know what's happened but I've become totally cynical about love and marriage. I don't really believe anyone truly loves one another in a long term relationship. I heard of a couple getting engaged and I just felt a bit sorry for them, like 'oh well, one day they'll learn for themselves'

It's horrible to admit that. Anyway thanks all for being a sounding board.

The grass is rarely greener ever. You are likely to get divorced and then feel you thought you would be happier than you are when you are single. Divorce is bloody hard

He sounds selfish op and prob goes off to gym / work trips whenever because he knows he can.
I think you should explore this a bit more potentially here as there are so many women with good advice. I found what a pp said about being a mother and wife very good but in modern life motherhood takes over!

It’s very hard to feel loving and connected to a partner if you’re not having sex. If me and my boyfriend go a week without we start bickering more.

I know people on here say you shouldn’t have sex if you’re not feeling it and I don’t disagree in some ways especially if there’s anything abusive happening - but if you don’t use it (your libido) then you lose it and the more you have (if it’s good/satisfying for you) then the more you want.

if someone is giving you good orgasms it’s much easier to feel warm towards them :)

Those initial feelings of lust and love do dwindle ime. Especially when young children are involved and all attention is on them, their needs and keeping the wheels of life turning.

However I'd say you both need to put some effort into your relationship feeling a bit better for you. What are you missing? The sex? The hugs? The care? Time alone? Time together ?

I'm in exactly the same situation as you. How did it work out for you?

I think you can but you have to want to and you have to try.