How do you know if its time to call it quits?

[CosyScroller]

Hi everyone.. new here and first time posting..
I feel at a total loss and I am finding it hard to make a decision on how to proceed - I have tried to keep this short but I think this has been brewing for a while now and I have no one really to talk to about this..

My husband has made it very clear that while he loves me, he is unhappy in our marriage due to less intimacy than before we had our children and has begun to question if we should remain together. For a long time I have fought to remain together but there has never been any change in his behaviour and when this is brought up he becomes very defensive and somehow his lack of effort winds up being due to something I have done or havent done.

He suffers from OCD but I am beginning to wonder if the issues are deeper routed? He is always looking for the next big thing and never seems to be happy. He very much believes that the photos etc that his friends on social media mean they are having a better life than us but the majority of these posts he shows me are single people off exploring and more often than not drinking and he seems to think he is missing out but he is missing out on our young children that are right in front of him.

He pays his share of household bills but very rarely contributes towards groceries and no matter how often I have asked, refuses to go grocery shopping with me as it is boring. We (loose term) have 2 small loans that we agreed to pay off together but so far I am the only one that has contributed and they are both solely in my name so I can't afford to not pay them to prove a point.

A part of me feels like this is all my fault because I have let him get away with his actions for so long and it was ok while we only had one child but now we have two and I dont think it is fair that I do the majority of things with them by myself.

I maybe havent expressed myself very well but I am so fustrated and wrote this in a hurry as he gets paranoid and checks my phone.

Is it too late to save this marriage? I am not even sure I want to try 😞

Your DH is financially abusing you. It was very unwise to take out the two loans in your sole name, but it's done now. Do you have much more to pay? I'm taking it you have separate finances. Is there much disparity in your earnings?

What does he actually bring to the marriage? He doesn't pull his weight with the finances - does he do much in terms of household chores, life admin and parenting?

Time for a full and frank discussion with him about the issues. Whether you do this one-to-one or through couples counselling is up to you. If he's not prepared to step up then you need to consider whether you can live like this going forward. I'm not sure I could.

What jumped out is your penultimate paragraph in which you say he goes through your phone and is paranoid. Paranoid about what? And why? What is he looking for? That, in, and of itself, is controlling, manipulative behaviour which WILL, make no mistake, grind you down. Yes, time to leave, whilst you still can

Don't want to throw the word 'narcissist' about but the minute people say 'he's never happy with his lot' that's what I think of. Narcissists are forever jealous of others and often take the view thar life has dealt them a tough hand. They are never happy with what they have. Instantly looking for something else the moment they get what they claimed to want initially.

Add to that him putting you in financial hardship alone and encouraging you to 'fight' for the relationship when he makes it clear he is the prize you should chase whilst he couldn't give a stuff about you.

No. Relationships shouldn't be a fight. They shouldn't require a struggle for one person to maintain whilst the other sits on their ass expecting to be serviced.

This will never get better. Go, before you waste your whole life, pouring yourself into him, trying to be 'enough'- for someone who is essentially, a cup with a hole in it.

Ps: the 'paranoia', isn't. It's control.

He wants you stuck on a merry go round of 'prove your innocence'.

He doesn't actually believe you are cheating. It's a trick.

Also, cheats like to accuse others of cheating fyi.

We have a joint account but husband only puts in enough to cover half the bills that are paid out from that account and then everything else is separate. Currantly we have.fairly equal earnings but my job is temporary so that wont last forever.

He does help with housework but when the kids are just being kids it becomes a massive issue if the house becomes even a tiny bit untidy. He does very little else for me but he is convinced that he does a lot for me. He does watch the kids but he does very little with them and if I am about he is pretty much hands off and leaves it to me.

We have been round and round these same discussions but he seems unwilling to compromise and will not even consider couple couselling - i have asked can we change how we work our finances but he claims he is saving so cant contribute more financially however i see no evidence of savings. He has accused me of only being interested in being with him for money however when we first met 15 years ago, neither of us had money so I dont even understand how he can say that!!

He thinks I am talking to loads of people if I am on my phone but mostly I am doom scrolling or avidly googling random stuff that comes to my head.. I have nothing to hide from him but he does it when I sleep so it is just sneeky

Why does he get to save and you don't? Saving for what? He's part of a family unit, the savings are for the family. What is he saving for that's seperate?

I mean fair enough if he said, 'I'm saving up for a new fishing rod/games console' etc, people are allowed hobbies. But he doesn't get to just save money at the expense of the family or his partner suffering. So, saving for what?

He's saving to leave you when something better comes along, that's what. And HE is the gold digger, hense accusing you of it. He contributes bare minimum whist you pick up the slack.

I'd be putting both these things to him. Then presening him with divorce papers. Speak to a solicitor and get things all in order before telling him you are done.

Couples councilling is never recommended when there is abuse in a relationship. Which it sounds like there is, eg, the accusations of cheating and the letting you struggle with joint debt.

Yes, I would love to know what he is saving for too - the answers are always very vague however I am convinced there is no savings and it is just all talk..

I feel like what everyone has said so far has validated how I am feeling.. I always doubt myself

You are being abused by him, financially and emotionally.
Please contact Women's aid for advice and support.

This is not a good man.
He is controlling and .manipulative.
Time to end this.

You poor thing. He is totally acting bad. I hope you find some support

Thanks for all your advice yesterday.

I tried to talk to him yesterday evening and explained that I wanted the household chores etc be more evenly divide between us and the result was that he wants an open relationship and nothing else needs to change so I really dont see how we can make our forward from that together

So more of the same Op. He wants more sex but you shouldn't want your life to change, you still get to do the childcare and he gets to sleep around. He won't want your marriage open both ways, it will just be for him.
I think this is the last straw@CosyScroller , if he's not seeing other women now he will be soon

The relationship is over when you would be happier without him than with. So, now.

For him it isn’t over as he’s aiming for someone to cover the bills and be a housekeeper and childminder, while he shags around. So he’s happier staying and getting as much out of you as he can.

Just a small suggestion but why don't you make the loan repayments and buy the groceries out of the joint account? Put your share of those bills into the joint account and tell him he has to do the same or it's over (I know it's over anyway but at least you'd be better off for a while).

Eww he's such a scumball. I hope you laughed in his face and told him where to go.

He's either cheating already or looking too, he's trying to make it socially acceptable by trying to get you to accept an open relationship. Of course, by open, he doesn't mean for you fyi. Just watch how quick he calls you a slag if you find another man in this 'open relationship'.

Get him gone.
Like, yesterday.

Also utterly despicable for a married man to suggest an open relationship. His vows included 'forsaking all others'. He's failed you and he's not even ashamed.

Ugh. There is nothing for you here OP. He sounds thoroughly unpleasant. A man who goes through your phone in secret, wants an open relationship, doesn't contribute equally financially, barely plays with his kids and is secretly saving money of his own outside the marriage
... no, this is a terrible relationship.

I would leave him.