Needy but lovely partner - help

[CheeseandMarmiteToastie]

I’ve been with my partner just over 3 years, we don’t live together but spend most weekends at one or other of our houses plus see each other at least a couple of times in the week. Normally it works really well.

Inevitably over Xmas we spent most days together and it started to make me feel a little bit claustrophobic - I like some space and time to just do nothing without any pressure but even though he respects that I feel like he wants more. Now we are back to work I’m trying to put some boundaries in place, I don’t want to hurt his feelings but it will damage our relationship if we are in each others pockets the whole time.

He’s honestly the nicest, kindest person, we get on great, have lots of laughs and amazing sex. But I need my space! Even when we’re not together he texts a lot or offers to pop round to help with something or drop off something I need - it’s all kindly meant but it’s doing my head in!

It’s starting to put me off (we haven’t had sex for a week, tmi I know but I just haven’t felt like it, clinginess is not sexy!) and the little remarks from various family we’ve seen over Xmas about us moving in/getting married have also wound me up.

I’m very happy with him and definitely don’t want to lose him but am I being unrealistic and unfair? I’m happy as we are, I don’t want to see him every day or be in touch constantly, I know that’s not the average relationship but to me it’s healthier. I don’t know what to do for the best 🤦🏻

You want totally different things. After 3 years it's normal to want to progress the relationship otherwise it's not really going anywhere is it?
The fact that you can't stand to be with him for longer than a weekend at a time suggests you aren't really very well suited. It would be different if the arrangement suited you both but it clearly doesn't. I'd have a hard look at whether to continue this or release him to have the opportunity to find somone who can give him more commitment.

If you are looking long term, he isn't it. And you aren't for him either. End it so you can both get what you need - no matter how lovely he is, he's not what you want.

Sounds like you are incompatible. After 3 years I’d be expecting to live with my partner and start to look at marriage , kids etc. this guy isn’t the one for you, please end it so you can both find your person. It isn’t fair on him to drag him on when you don’t find him attractive and you’ve got the ick.

God, I'm shocked at the other answers. I was just coming on to say that sounds normal and I would just continue to stick to your boundaries. I'm in a very similar situation. I love my partner, been together 3.5 years. Don't live together as both have teenagers but see each other weekends, school holidays etc. For me, that's plenty and I have to be quite clear about boundaries as well. When I'm not with him, I'm busy or enjoying my own space.

I think there are all different types of relationships and yours sounds good as long as you're both happy with it. You say you love him, great sex etc. Some couples never live together and it works great...why not? I just would make sure you have a proper conversation about his apparent neediness. Maybe he does want more, in which case you'd need to be honest and say you don't then see if you can both continue happily with how things are. Then you can both decide if the relationship is for you.

It sounds great to me but does it sound great to your partner? If he is expecting more after 3 years then you are probably incompatible longterm. You need to talk.

Yes I think we do need to talk. Personally I think living together is over-rated - I was married for 20 years and it became boring and predictable. I love looking forward to seeing him when I haven't for a few days and not arguing over household chores but I get that he might not feel the same way.

Hi @CheeseandMarmiteToastie , I just wondered if you'd had the chat about this and if things are OK? I am in a similar position (I did comment on here) and I've started panicking a little at the thought of buying a house together in the future etc...Just wondering if/how you've dealt with your quandry.

Hi @Toffeepieandcream yes we did, he was fine and says he’s happy to take things at my pace. I still think he’d like more and worry that I’m being unfair to him but he knows the score so I can only take his word. I’d suggest not looking too far into the future but that’s not always easy is it?

I think your update is very important and should have been in the original post to add more context.
If you were younger, in the throes of young love, it would be normal to want to move in together/marry/start a family etc etc.

But I can see now you've been married previously for 20 years. Which sort of changes things. I can understand why you value your independence and you don't see the need to move in together .
Just have an honest conversation with him so he is fully aware of your stance. Then he can decide based on the full facts what he wants

Yes I probably should have been clearer, I’m always a bit paranoid about giving too much detail on here but I appreciate sometimes it’s necessary for context 🤦🏻

Hi @CheeseandMarmiteToastie , I'm glad it's going well, that's heartening. Yep - I agree, I just need to enjoy it and relax. Happy your man seems to be on the same page now.