Is my marriage over?

[Marshmallow2024]

17 years ago, while working abroad for a few months without my now DH, I had a male friend. I wasn’t transparent with how much time we spent together for fear of worrying my DH (in hindsight this wasn’t the right thing to do).

My DH has always been wary of this friend and has recently found him online and has been asking him for all the details. Shockingly, this past friend with whom I have had no contact for 17 years has been telling him all sorts, including that we had a sexual relationship when we didn’t!

This has led to huge arguments and verbal/emotional abuse. DH won’t believe me whatever I say and wants me to leave asap saying that I don’t deserve him and the kids.

I feel so crushed by the accusations and how DH is treating me, that I think the best thing is for us to split up. The fact that I wasn’t transparent about the friendship has no doubt done fatal damage to our marriage even without the cheating accusations thrown in.

Is my marriage salvageable? Is this something worth splitting our young family up over?

Can you get in touch with the " friend" from 17 years ago and get him to come clean about the truth of your relationship with him. Does he know that you r marriage is going to end because if his stories? I'm really not sure why he would lie? It's bizarre.

None of this makes sense. Why would your husband look up this man out of the blue?

Have you actually seen these messages?

Good point! He may be trying to call your bluff, OP

If your husband wants to end the marriage then you don't have much option.

He's seen the messages and he doesn't like the lies and betrayal.

I'm not sure what you want from us? Your actions now have consequences.

Have you asked him to do counseling?

Some guys are bad guys and will claim ‘conquests’ they haven’t actually been with.

Can you talk to DH about how this guy is just trying to get under his skin, preferably with a neutral third party on the room?

It’s not salvageable if he wants out, no. But the whole thing is very odd. Have you seen the messages between them?

You lied, the other guy is lying, who’s your husband to believe? Why did he go digging?

Can you be sure you didn’t?
Did you have any drunken ‘fumbles’ for instance?
It’s amazing how the mind can alter things and even start to make a version of its own truth.

Apologies if I’ve misunderstood but can you please clarify:

1. 17 years ago you were abroad whilst your boyfriend (now DH) remained in U.K.
2. At that time you had a good male friend but no sexual relationship with him. Didn’t tell boyfriend how much time you spent with friend.
3. you return to U.K. and have no contact with male friend.
4. husband after 17 years contacts male friend who claims you had a sexual relationship.

If that’s right then my questions are:

1. why has DH always had concern about this man?
2. what’s triggered contacting him now?

I think I need that before can comment sensibly.

My guess is your husband is having an affair and wants to blame you for it. As the story you have told doesn't make any sense otherwise.

Has your DH behaviour changed recently?

He has intentionally contacted someone from 17 years ago - why? As other said it doesn’t make sense.

Then that’s the ‘excuse’ he will use to end the marriage and blame it on you to reduced what his own guilt or sense of responsibility

I hope you ok as it’s not like you can disprove the allegations?

That’s exactly what I think too.

Contact your friend and ask him if any of this is true. Sounds suss.