Sexless Marriage - wasting time?

[GlasScot]

Gay male here. Been with SO for 9 years and married 3. Started off with a very healthy sexlife, a few times per week and willing to explore. We haven’t had sex since 2020. I’ve struggled with my mental health and have put on weight but he says that this isn’t a reason, just that he doesn’t have a libido and has no interest in sex. We’ve discussed it lots, I’ve begged and belittled myself with the constant rejection. We tried an open relationship but I struggled with the concept as couldn’t understand why he wasn’t able to have sex with me but was willing to have sex with other guys. He had sex with 4 random guys and brought one of them home when I was asleep in the spare room, this crossed a huge line for me. I feel that I am being delusional about how things are meant to work out, I don’t want to finish the relationship but equally feel I can’t stay in a sexless relationship and that I am fooling myself as to why we don’t have sex.

You're right. This is humiliating for you. Being single is better.

I'm sorry the partner you invested your time, emotions and patience with has turned out not to be worthwhile.

Excuse me! I'm an OLD angry feminist!

I struggled with the concept as couldn’t understand why he wasn’t able to have sex with me but was willing to have sex with other guys.

Well no wonder as it shows he does have a libido and interest in sex, just not with you.

I think you need to split up with him, sorry.

Begging and belittling is no way to live. You are asking if you are wasting your time.

Honestly, it sounds as if you might be. It certainly as if your partner is not being completely (no pun intended) straight with you, by having a selectively active libido with others who are not you.

Do you know what LTB means here? I don’t think this is quite LTB as in bastard, but it could be LTB as in bloke, if this is your continued state of normality for much longer. No?

Also, I love that you came here with your question.

In situations like this it doesn’t matter if you’re male or female, straight or gay. You married for better or worst forsaking all others. Ok so things aren’t good at the moment in the bedroom, are they ok in the rest of life ? Do you want to continue with the marriage, does he want to continue with the marriage.

im sorry but to bring a man home to your house and have sex with him in your home, that’s a massive no for me. If my DH did that it would be the end, no discussion.

it’s bad enough to have an affair which you say his none on 3 other occasions but to bring him home and rub your nose in it.

im sorry but there’s no return from that

That sounds really hurtful and horrible! I would be out of there. Really disrespectful to say no libido but then shag a bunch of randoms.

I think he is showing he doesn't respect you. I regret not leaving a similar relationship earlier.
There doesn't seem to be a future for this one. I'd get rid (easier said than done, I know)

Why?!

Why are you asking this on Mumsnet?

Because we're (in)famous for ruthless common sense and laser insight? Why shouldn't he, I think it's a good choice!

Why not go on a gay site, this is a site for women.

This must be horrible for you. If you’ve been married for 3 years but sexless since 2020, how did that play out? Marriage is a legal thing as much as a commitment thing - who brings the most money to this contract? Do you love him?

He doesn’t want to have sex with you. Are you wealthy? Successful? Is he with you for the lifestyle? I think it’s time for you to go your separate ways. Either that or you accept a life as flatmates.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. If he is able to be aroused and have sex with other men then he doesn’t have no libido. Did you have any encounters with others during this open phase? I’d suggest that maybe he is interested in others and unfortunately just not that into you.

He's just not that into you.

It doesn't really matter if the OP is a gay male or a straight female.

The issue is one of disrespect.

OP, you are not being respected,
Your partner has libido fo others, but not you.
I'm not sure you actually wanted to agree to an "open" relationship, or if you felt it was a matter of going along with it, in order to please your partner, who quite frankly, is taking the piss....

It's horrible to finally admit to yourself, let alone others, that your relationship is a sham.... but it is, unfortunately.

If you can tolerate such behaviours simply to stay in this marriage, then so be it.

It sounds though, that you're very unhappy, and you wish your partner had libido for you....

Fact is, he hasn't.

If you want a partner for life, that is committed to YOU, then I think you probably need to end your so called marriage, and invest your love, your time, your respect, in a person who also wishes to show you the same....

I'm so sorry.

To have your live and commitment so disregarded is awful... please be kind to yourself, and not put up with anymore of this torture.

I am sorry to say this, but I think he probably has guilt at not wanting to be with you anymore and doesn't have the stomach to end it, so he's being a selfish prick so that you instigate the break up. I'm not saying he isn't really like that, because he clearly is. He just doesn't want to be the one to call it.

You deserve so much better. Also please ignore the shitbags on this thread wanting to know why you're asking Mumsnet about this. They should wind their tits in.

Your marriage is over. It's sad, heartbreaking, but you need to face the reality. He told you he has no libido but he then slept with four other people, one in your home while you were there. There's no coming back from that - those are not the actions of someone who wants to work on their marriage. And I wonder if some of your mental health issues stem from being around someone who doesn't treat you as well as you deserve to be treated.
You deserve to be treated with respect. End the relationship, seek some help for your mental health, look at your diet and exercise for the weight. You can go on to live a happy and fulfilled life, and perhaps later on meet someone who makes you happy and treats you like a king.

It doesn't matter that you're a gay bloke. My advice is the same. Leave the bastard. He's treating you like shit and you shouldn't put up with it. Go find a nicer man.

There must be a reason that you both decided to start a marriage from the position of not having had sex for several years beforehand? What was the basis for your marriage when you married? Companionship? Security? Was he sleeping with other people at the time of the marriage?

I think there is definitely more of an expectation in gay male relationships that the sex will always be there. I remember a friend telling me very assuredly that only heterosexual couples stop having sex and that it's not a thing with gay couples. Many years later and he's similar to you - been in a sexless marriage with his husband for many years (including before they married), but he says he's happy and would rather read than have sex.
I think you (and my friend) deserve more. A sexless marriage is one thing if there are more positives to the relationship. But your husband has treated you appallingly and honestly I think you need to face the reality that this isn't a marriage, it's abusive.