DD (18) is in her first year at uni. Her and her boyfriend of 2 years broke up 3 weeks after she started because he couldn’t cope with the long distance. It wasn’t really a surprise as he had been concerned about it for a good while leading up to her going. In fact he almost finished with her the day before she left. Secretly, I thought it was for the best but DD was understandably heartbroken.
DD is in recovery from Anorexia and takes medication for anxiety and she leans on me pretty heavily for emotional support. As a result of this we are extremely close and I probably know far more about DD’s life than perhaps I should. She confides in me about most things. It was a very real concern that DD may well relapse after the break-up. Her and her boyfriend broke up once before for a few months and it triggered a mini relapse. DD needed a lot of support and I had to take control of her eating for a bit. Then they got back together (at his instigation) and stayed together for another 14 months.
I have put a lot of time and effort in to supporting DD over the last 3 months and her friends (old from home and her new uni flatmates) have also been great and rallied round her. She came back for a reading week back in Oct and she met with her exe briefly to return items. She told me that when she said that this was the last time they would ever see each other that he made some comment about potentially bumping in to her when she was back at Christmas. This made me think that he was planning on this happening.
Anyway, DD has been doing well and although it has taken a while (she was quite depressed and anxious for a bit and had some sessions with the uni wellbeing team) I would say that she has been in a fairly decent headspace for the last month. I have voiced my concerns about her potentially reconnecting with him while she’s home from uni and DD had repeatedly told me that she isn’t interested in doing so and no good could come from it.
She bumped in to him out clubbing the weekend before Christmas, which she openly told me about. However since then I have sensed a slight shift in DD. She has started to be a bit secretive and there have been a few occasions where she has gone out quite late at night, apparently for drives with her friends. Last night she was staying at a friends house before going in to London today. I just had a feeling that she was seeing her exe so I texted her and outright asked her. I asked her to please be honest with me. She said that she wasn’t but she did admit that she has met up with him and slept with him again. She was pretty dismissive, saying that she’s a big girl and can navigate these things herself without my involvement. I found her comment hurtful, given that she has been leaning on me heavily for the last 3 months. No doubt she will still expect me to come running to pick up the pieces if/when it inevitably goes tits up again.
So how do I approach this? I’m quite frankly bored of hearing about the exe and wish she would move on from him. Everything is always on his terms and he picks her up and puts her down whenever he chooses. I wish she would raise her standards. But she is a “big girl” now and these are her mistakes to make. Is now the time to take a step back from it all? What do I do when she decides she wants me involved again?