would you....

[Angran1]

so scenario

he lives in his own place.....seperated 7 years....deffo confirmed !!

we are into 5th year of relationship....partners ex wife...not (divorced still)...doesnt know about this relationship......

...we dont live together. ..its causing problems...he...wont spk to me in her presence, spends day at xmas with child and her etc....not me...
he wont tell her of me for fear of rocking the boat, awkwarndness eyc.....
they share care of a disabled teenage child who she is main carer of
he has child every other w.end and sees frequently, but ive met child whos non verbal...
his family and friends have all met me !!

would you.....post an anon letter with very brief details of me and him...... to her ,????????????

thoughts please.........

No don't do that. You tell him he needs to tell her or you're leaving if it bothers you that much

i have.....he wont !

After 5 years I’d drop the reins on this one. He’s still putting her feelings before yours and that’s not how you should be treated.

I’m sure you’ve posted before about this. The advice is still the same. End the relationship. You will never come before his ex. This is ridiculous. It’s been 5 years. You’re not as important. Move on and find someone who actually loves you and wants to fully integrate you into their life.

Are you subconsciously trying to get out of this relationship? It will most likely be over once he finds out about the anonymous letter.

Well, follow through and leave him. He clearly isn't that arsed about you if that's the choice he's made.

An anonymous letter is just a bizarre way of forcing the issue and he may dump you for doing it. Better leave with dignity than get ditched.

What are you hoping the outcome will be by contacting the estranged wife?

I assume you have spoken with your DP about her not knowing about you?

Personally I would ask myself if this is a deal breaker for you, and if it is then address that. Sounds like you feel you are second, and hidden away which is not a great feeling. I would personally not be content with this either.

If you have addressed this with him, don't waste your time with the wife. She probably know about you anyways after 5 years.

The short answer for you is that you want more than he will give. So you have to accept what's on offer or move on and look for someone who will give what you want. If you want marriage or children, you should move on. Since this man already has a disabled teen and a (mostly) ex-wife, he is unlikely to want more children or another 'wife'.

This being MN, it sounds goady but in all seriousness:
What do you think telling her will achieve for you? What do you want to change about your relationship with him?

If you want marriage or children, I doubt this man does since he already has a disabled teen and a (mostly) ex-wife.

From what you've posted, it sounds like you and he have a good arrangment. He's not living rent free with you nor expecting you to take care of his nonverbal, disabled teen. (those are huge points in his favour) You have confirmation that he is definitely separated and have been introduced to his family and friends. Do they think you're his GF/DP or just a 'good friend'?

So the main crunch points I can see are:

• He's not legally divorced. I don't think you're especially bothered about technical adultery since you've been with him for 5 years now but I can see how his continued marital status would be a point for argument.

He could complete divorce procedings and tell her that he's done it without malice but as a formality. That might force a legally binding custody arrangment which could be to your disadvantage if he needs to care for his DTeen more often. Also, it could force a financial maintance arrangement which could cramp his style financially.

• He spends a day with his DTeen and Ex over Christmas but not with you.

So where are you when he's with his family and friends? Are you invited to their Christmas events? Perhaps they do not recognise you as as his GF/DP? That would be a sore point for me after 5 years. What about your family? Do they know about this man? Is he invited to your family Christmas events? Does he go?

i just hate being hidden to the point i cant cough if he is on a facetime with his son !!!
people moveon in life...im not against helping with their child at all...i take him amd his child ...i knew that...we are 5 years in....i have adult children and not bothered about marriage we have discussed so know where we stamd..the sticking point is her unawareness....
im fully envolved in his family so its a slip of the tongue from them and hes in the doo doo !

Ring her and speak to her not an anon letter.
Who of his family did you actually meet? Did he introduce you as my partner or girlfriend or played down as friend. It doesn't matter, i'm just curious. Bottom line tell her face to face or over phone and dump him.

Just say you're going to tell her if he doesn't. And follow through.

No point saying you'll leave or tell her or whatever if you never follow through on any of it.

Bring it to a head properly instead of waiting for someone else to accidentally or by being a dick and doing it anonymously (which anyone with half a brain-cell will realise it was you).

No I wouldn't send her anything, I'd simply dump him-more to the point I'd have put him in the bin after a year of this bullshit never mind put up with it for five. Life's short.

i think you know the answer. 5 years is 4 years too long wasted on this man

if i had her no i would...i know where she lives i cpuld just go.
i am his partner...kniwm about simce about a year in...

You've told him he needs to tell her or you'll leave.
He's said he won't tell her.
So you have to leave.

It's sad you've wasted 5 years of your life on him, but what are the alternatives? If you go round to her house and drop him in it (or send an anonymous letter - everyone would know it was you) he'll probably end it with you anyway.

At least if you leave there's an outside chance he'll realise what he stands to lose and might finally decide to tell her himself?