To leave or not

[Jenn1678]

First people I’ve told and feeling nervous about it.

I am thinking about leaving my partner. We have been together for nine years and they are the kindest, most understanding, most thoughtful person just generally my best friend and like spending time with them. We have such a laugh together often. The problem is I’m just not sexually attracted to them anymore. I wish I was with all my heart and it fills me with dread thinking I’m not. If I could flip a switch and be so, I would. Just feel shitty about how I feel and if this is ‘it’?

If you love him and appreciate him as a person then the honourable thing to do is leave him. Sticking with him
is selfish

Would you consider seeing a sex therapist or couples therapist?

Also, how old are you? Could it be peri?

OP has specifically said they them. Why do you refer to the partner as a man?

I think this is incredibly common in long term relationships, it is easy to become like flat mates/best friends. Do you still have a physical relationship even though you are not really feeling it, or could it be mutual? What age are you?

Are you sexually attracted to someone else?

Not mean this in an accusing way, but often people don’t realise what’s missing until they spot it somewhere else.

The vast majority of relationships cool over time, but so much depends on other circumstances (other people; whether it’s just tiredness from young kids that’s “dulled the edge”; perimenopause)

How are things elsewhere in the relationship? Do you feel it’s worth attempting to salvage?

thank you for your thoughts/advice so far . I am 38 so it could be peri though maybe a little early, as my mum went through it in her 50s (not sure if that sets a precedent or not). I would feel really bad at couples counselling because don’t want to say ‘just not attracted to you physically anymore’ because that would of course be damaging to anyone’s self esteem.

I have been attracted yes, though I have not engaged with it because don’t want to be unfaithful.

I was just about to ask if you can see yourself enjoying being physical with someone else, or if the urge has gone generally overall. You have just answered that question. So many couples I think get to this point but stay because they have kids. Any kids?

No kids. But my partner is somewhat dependent on me financially. Not in totality and I have always paid more than my share (80% of bills) but I’m the higher earner of the household and they always say they are so grateful we get to live a nice life together which makes me feel extra guilty for thinking this