How do I play this?

[AlwaysRight1985]

Ok so appreciate this may sound like something a teenager would ask rather than a professional 39 year old woman, but I've been out of the dating game a long time after a horrendous long-term breakup and I don't really know how to play things any more (plus I now know the start of my last relationship was total 'love-bombing' so not exactly normal...)

I've used dating apps for a while but I never match with many people (maybe I'm too picky, maybe I really CBA) until I matched with someone on Christmas Day. We chatted over the next couple of days but he's been with his son since last weekend so other than a quick 'How was your NYE?' and 'oh dear, look at the football score' we haven't spoken much.

I asked if he'd like to meet up once into the New Year and he agreed to go for a coffee. He said he'd check when his son goes back to his mums... but then hasn't gotten back to me yet. I'm presuming it's this weekend since school will start on Monday. I just don't really know how to play things next - wait and hear from him, message him sooner rather than later, leave it a week... I'M USELESS

I should probably add that I have ASD and while I mostly bumble along just fine, planning is one of the things that keeps me sane - I can't do spontaneous. I'm also a massive overthinker, hence this thread I suppose 😂

Thank you if you've gotten this far with my ramblings!

Ball's in his court

First you should be speaking to several people at once. Online dating is a numbers game and you shouldn't over invest.

Don't let people mess you around. Chat for a week then arrange a coffee. If they put you off more than once, block and move on.

Do you want some bloke with a kid who's too busy to meet? Don't message him again and give him a couple of days before moving on. How people are in the beginning is how they'll always be. You don't want someone who triggers anxiety.

How can I speak to several people at once when I don't see anyone I want to match with 😂have you seen the quality of men on online dating these days?! I also would avoid anyone who either wants kids or has very young children, and at my age that's most people...

His son older but lives at the other end of the country and so he only stays with his dad in the holidays which is why I haven't pushed it that much as I know he's currently with him 24/7.

We've agreed on a coffee already, I'm just trying to work out the best way to go about making concrete plans without seeming pushy...

I'd say it's in his court too. You could check in after the holidays are over if you've not heard but would probably concentrate on seeing who else is out there

I found hinge and paid Match the best apps by far.

You have already asked him? I'd assume he is not interested or actually committed to dating and move on.

I always think it's good advice to not give people too long to chat online before you meet - as you really know nothing about them until you meet them.

@Waterboatlass I met him on Hinge. I paid for Match last year but was very very underwhelmed. I guess I do have quite a specific 'wish list' though. I think I might wait until next week when his son should be back at school...

@waterrat I asked him if he'd like to meet and he said he would, we just haven't made any plans as to when/where (although have said a coffee shop somewhere halfway) and that's what I'm trying to do.

Have you said happy new year yet? If it was my turn to text back, I might say something like hope 2025 has started off well, and then say 'my diary is already getting quite full, shall we nail down a coffee date? I am free only on X day or Y day.' If I was the last to text then I'd say the ball is in his court and do not chase him at all.

Tbh he should know what date his son is back at his school and mums, it's not like the term dates aren't confirmed, so he should be getting a date with you locked in. I would want to see enthusiasm from him, not wavering and ifs/buts/maybes. I found when OLD that if they were vague at the beginning, it never went anywhere. My current partner (together 18 months, met on tinder) offered me 2 potential dates and locations for a first drink and that was within a week of messaging, as I'd made it clear I cba with endless texting.

Also, as a single mum, it would be a huge red flag that he lives so far from his child. Has he given you a reason for that?

@SmallOrFarAway yes we already have - we then had a couple of messages about NYE and he then said they were off to watch football so I told him to enjoy and he 'hearted' the message - I'm never sure after that whose turn it is to reply 😂

When he picked him up he said he was with him for 8 days...

I haven't had the full story but from what I can gather so far, his ex and son moved back to where she was from and he has stayed here.