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Relationships

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Original poster

A good friends ex..... is it ever OK to go there????

20 replies

UpsyDaisyDo · 02/05/2008 23:01

Me and said friend have had a massive falling out and although I do feel a little guilty (1) they broke up well over 10 years ago (2) she has absolutely no feelings for him whatsoever, has moved on, (married with 3 dc's) and (3) I've never looked at him in this way ever before but we met up a while back, got on really well, and although I wasn't looking for anything (and have definitely never fancied him before) he is the first person I've had strong feelings for in almost 5 years. He adores my ds and (while I'm not jumping the gun and looking for a replacement Dad by any means) would be a great male role model in my son's life. If the tables were turned I would be so happy for her but instead I'm being called all the names under the sun and am being made to feel awful. I'm feeling brave having had a few glasses of wine and prepared for the worst (mumsnet jury comments really can't be any worse than what I've had to put up with the past few weeks). Thanks x

OP posts:

TurkeyLurkey · 02/05/2008 23:12

I think in the circumstances you describe it sounds fine. She needs to get over it. Its hardly like you stole her man or anything.

phatcat · 02/05/2008 23:19

while I don't think you are doing anything wrong in any way - in fact your behaviour sounds beyond reproach, try putting yourself in her shoes for a minute - she's bound to feel jealous of both of you - of you because you've got something she's had, of him because he's got you, her friend! She's had a special relationship with both of you and now you're having one that excludes her. I think you need to tread softly and give her lots of reassurance if you want to remain friends with her. At least she's being honest about her feelings, which means she can probably come to terms with it given half a chance and a lot of reassurance.

Saturn74 · 02/05/2008 23:20

I wouldn't.

surprise · 02/05/2008 23:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

LaComtesse · 02/05/2008 23:25

I wouldn't personally (been in the situation where it could have occurred) but hope it works out for you. I think she's being a tad UR but it can take you by surprise when your ex hooks up with someone else even if you've moved on. Must admit that of the people I know personally who dated then moved onto new partners, there hasn't been much dissent from what I can see although one girl didn't attend her ex's wedding. May have been a co-incidence though as she went to America to visit family.

madamez · 02/05/2008 23:27

You're not in the wrong in the least. But her feelings are not invalid, either. Give her time to get over it, try to walk the line between rubbing her nose in it and feeling like you have to hide your relationship for her sake. She will get over it, it is probably just a bit of a gentle slap with a wet fish for her.

Original poster

UpsyDaisyDo · 02/05/2008 23:36

Thanks for all your comments. I totally respect her feelings (which is why I feel a certain amount of guilt) but I'm just so hurt the way she has handled it. I wouldn't want to repeat the names I've been called and although I've bitten my tongue and not retaliated at all, there are plenty of things I could have said in return (I love her to bits but believe me she is no angel!) Surprise - I agree that (although early days - and I am taking things v. cautiously) if it does go somewhere and she can't deal with it then I think I would have to put myself first and see the loss of her friendship as a small price to pay. If I'd seen this thread before this happened to me I'd have said no way - never - its an unwritten rule you just don't go there but unfortunately you can't help who you fall for.

OP posts:

yurt1 · 02/05/2008 23:41

Given that its 10 years ago and she is married with 3dc's I'm stunned she could react badly tbh. That must make her husband a bit (Am still in contact with my exs of 10 and 15 years ago and couldn't give a stuff who went out with them)

A year or so ago? Hmm dodgy ground. Still pining for him? Be careful, but given the circumstances she IBVU

Earlybird · 02/05/2008 23:45

Two questions spring to mind:

Is your new relationship the reason you've fallen out with her, or had you fallen out before for some other reason?

How did she find out that you and her ex are now an item?

Original poster

UpsyDaisyDo · 02/05/2008 23:59

Earlybird, the reason he and I got back in touch was because she invited him round for drinks at my house one evening because I wasn't able to get a babysitter, we kept in contact (just as friends) after that - meeting for lunch occasionally and things went from there. I have never kept anything from her but right from the beginning she didn't seem able to "share" him even as a friend.

OP posts:

yurt1 · 03/05/2008 00:06

10 years ago, she's now married to someone else, has kids with this other person? She is being VU. Think you'll just have to ignore it. Not fair on him to think he can't have anyone else whilst she's busy getting on with her life (for the past decade )

Joash · 03/05/2008 00:12

I wouldn't - not the done thing IMO.

Earlybird · 03/05/2008 00:25

Not sure I understand why she'd be inviting him to yours for drinks. If they don't have children together, why are they still in contact and friendly enough that she is inviting him places? Where was her dh that night?

By the way, she sounds the strange one not you. But the entire situation sounds unusual.

LaComtesse · 03/05/2008 09:54

I know one girl who has remained on good terms with two of her exes even though she's with a third man now (she's a kind of serial monogamist). It's not been unusual for them to meet up for drinks or whatever over the years so I don't see them meeting up as being odd, and now she happily brings her new man to parties where the other two guys could be since they're now friends.

I think you have to do what you feel is right in this instance, whether you sort it out, drop him, her, both or neither. Good luck

moopymoo · 03/05/2008 09:57

think she is being unreasonable, but have a feeling you will have to choose the friendship or the bloke.

Hassled · 03/05/2008 10:02

If I were the friend's DH I would be feeling decidely insecure - she's being pretty outrageous. She's moved on, and if she had any sort of decency she would feel happy that he's moved on with someone she knows and likes.
DO you know why they split? Did he dump her and break her heart etc or was it pretty mutual?

DivaSkyChick · 03/05/2008 15:15

I'm a kindof serial monogamist and I'm friends with all my exes. If one of my close friends got together with one of my exes I would be in agony, even tho I'm v. happily married and have a baby.

Just being honest here. This will sound terrible and I'm aware of it, but one of the reasons I'm able to stay so close with my exes is that they all put me on a bit of a pedastal. Sure, eventually they move on but they always make a point of making me feel special. If one of them dated a close friend of mine, they really couldn't do that, could they.

I might not be explaining this well and I do not excuse her callng you names, etc. I wouldn't say a word to my friend and I'd ACT very happy for both. But deep inside I'd be down about it.

macdoodle · 03/05/2008 18:32

at diva

DivaSkyChick · 03/05/2008 22:06

Not sure what you're saying with the faces Mac?

I did say I know it sounds terrible, right?

Sometimes it's hard to be honest with ourselves but I like to be and I share when I think it could help with perspective. Should I regret that I shared this?

wildhorses · 03/05/2008 23:20

It was 10 years ago she should let him move on with who he wants to - she has

Think you are going to have to chose fella or friend.If she was a true friend she would be pleased for you both.She is married for gods sake and has no claim to either of you

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