Am I being too picky? Good vs bad points

[Cornflakesandwich]

I have a partner who I have been with for a year. I have a young child who I would hope to introduce soon.
I have a terrible background in relationships where people start out well and turn out to be horrible/cheaters/jealous etc etc etc also now having to co parent with a complete narcissist.
Initially my partner seemed quite immature in ways (younger to me by a few years) but a lot of fun and we got on well.
my partner would be keen for us to be a family and to have more children. I would love more children too but someone’s done if the things they say make me wonder about how we would parent.
they are close with their 3 nieces and look after them a lot- all aged 9 and under. Partner thinks it’s fine for them to have WhatsApp, Snapchat etc and in fact argues with the kids mum to allow them to have it. Partner also has bought the kids non alcoholic alcopops during sleepovers! There’s lots of examples but even things like when the baby said the word asshole they thought it was hilarious. Another time they were driving baby niece in completely wrong car seat. I do point out these things and said “oh I wouldn’t be happy with that” and they don’t have much to say in response. Maybe I’m being far too judgement and picky but these thins are so far from how I would even behave or permit in my own kids it has made me question our compatibility. Maybe things change when it’s your own kids? Suppose before I had my own I don’t know how I would have been as was never around kids

has anyone any experience of similar? Please be gentle as I do have so much time for my partner and would love it to work for us but also can’t get these things out of my head. They are a loving partner to me in so many ways but I want to make sure I get it right

Your partner sounds pretty immature. Don’t blame you questioning his suitability for fatherhood. I’d say wait a few years. If he has a stable job, demonstrates he is a good co-provider and you both get on well by then - that’s when you might want to start thinking about more children/responsibility. As it stands, chances are if you had more now in long term you’d end up with two exes and lions share of looking after all the DC.

I think you sound very sensible. He doesn’t sound like he would be a good parent, not at the moment at least. Keep your standards high. Having had bad relationships before you are right to be careful. For your own legal protection you should also marry before having more children.

I feel bad for even thinking these things- are these things no big deal or am I just being picky or would they bother you too?

It does make him sound a bit immature.....

But on the other hand I do believe it's different when they're not your kids. For years my dsis has been the 'fun aunt' and when she's with my Dd she's very laid back, fun & jokey, eg gives too many sweets, lets her stay up later, i could imagine she'd laugh at the odd swear word. Can't think of specific examples similar to yours but in general she's just been more "cool" and "fun".

18 months ago she had her own Dd and she's completely different. More mature and responsible.
I absolutely love having my dniece but I would 100% say it's such a different relationship when you don't have the level of responsibility on your shoulders. Obviously when she's with me im 100% responsible for her safety, but I'd say I'm def more laidback and 'fun' than when I'm in mum mode. For example, disciplining her is not my responsibility and there's the old saying about being able to hand them back.

I see loads & loads of memes and viral jokes about people treating their grandkids completely different to how they parented their own children. My mum & dad are completely different with my Dd than they were with me. One example - my mum will ask my Dd what she'd like for dinner, don't think anything about cooking her different meals. If she tastes it and doesn't like it, she'll jump up and cook her something else without a single moan. With me her attitude was "this is what I've made, don't like it? Tough"

If my mum & dad were to assess each others parenting skills based on how they look are with the grandkids they couldn't have been further from the mark.

Just some food for thought.....as if this is the only issue it seems a shame to judge him purely on that. I wouldn't discard your concerns completely but maybe have a more serious conversation about it

Just thought of an example to back up my above post.
My Dd was 4 and asked me for an ice lolly. I said but til after dinner.
20 mins later I hear giggling from the hall cupboard, open the door and there's my dsis and dd sitting on the floor with an ice lolly each.

My sister would never allow her own dd to have an ice lolly before dinner.

I now joke that now I'm the fun aunt it's my time to get my own back and her karma is coming.....

(This is all very light hearted, we're very close)

Yes I totally see where you are coming from and I do think there is likely an element of that at play here. My partner also comments on things they do like about my parenting e.g we don’t do much screen time etc.
but some of the other stuff is just ridiculous- like they think kids should be be allowed social media from they are no age