Separated and a Mess

[MollyFitz]

Help me sort the mess out that's my head... Please.

Left husband of 16 yrs, together for 26, at the start of Nov. Some of you may remember I caught him having cheated from a msg he'd sent the OW while sat playing lego with our 6yr DD, and I basically ran away after his behaviour became... Unpredictable because I consistently said I was leaving him, betrayal was an absolute no for me.

Due to it being Christmas and arranging contact etc, we've had a fair bit of contact - msging, video calls for DD, and him seeing her, so I had to see him in person for the first time in 6 weeks.

At the time I thought I was fine, seeing him wasn't a problem but then seemingly out of nowhere on Boxing Day I was hit with this tidal wave of hurt all over again and I've not stopped crying since. I literally feel awful, so much grief, confusion and hurt. Our marriage hadn't been great for a while: he could be controlling, a bully, cold, selfish, insensitive, demanding, completely lacked any empathy and had certainly checked out of our marriage, family life leading up to his infidelity.

I know I made the right decision, at least I think I do, to leave but why, oh why am I such an absolute mess this last week? Why is hurting so much again? Why at the grand old age of 47, just had a birthday, do I feel so pathetic and dramatic, like feeling as hurt as I do, is disproportionate to cheating? Why am I grieving so much?

My heart breaks for you, there is so many layers of grief in this situation, iv been there. I’m 2 years on and mid divorce due to his affair, and I’m still struggling at times. What I will say however is that recovering and healing is NOT linear. You’ll have good days, bad days, awful days, everything in between, but you will slowly and but by bit, start to recover. I have random flashbacks to the point you’re at, the early days of discovery, and it’s traumatic thinking about the state I was in. But, I can look back now and whilst I’m not fully healed, I know iv moved forwards a lot. When you’re living the nightmare, it just feels all consuming I know. Let yourself feel the feelings, confide in someone uuu really trust, and give yourself time and grace. This isn’t your fault remember, I’m so sorry. I will also say as someone further on, that the thought of still being with him when I know he’s been with someone else, that’s not a relationship I want, no matter how much I miss him x

Thank you. It hurts, all of it and the guilt I feel for leaving is immense, which I don't quite understand.

I received a birthday card this morning from SIL, we've always had a loving and supportive relationship, up until I left her brother. The coldness of it has floored me, it hurts alot. MIL forgave FIL for his numerous infidelities and although she's said all along she'd support whatever decision I made, the impression is this was while she believed I'd agree to work through it. How do you work through betrayal of this kind? How do you trust and allow the person who absolutely destroyed you, took all the love and sacrifices you made over the years and threw them away, to be the one to help put you back together again? How do you allow yourself to be vulnerable and open again to the person who told you they had sex with another woman 'because [they] wanted to'?

I feel so judged and like I am being ostracised for not forgiving him, for not putting him before my own hurt and self worth (which at the moment I none).

Thanks for replying x