Do you think your body remembers trauma from cheating ?

[Howdoyoudodoyoudo]

Don’t really want to talk to anyone IRL about this .

4 years ago my husband cheated. I found out about this on New Year’s Day 3 years ago .

We worked through this , I don’t want to go into details . it was a horrific time for me . We went through counselling , and we really are in a good place now . He worked hard to get me to trust him again and we are honestly in a good place . I don’t think about it on a day to day basis .

The first year was really hard . On the anniversary of it I was really down and he was amazing . Last year , we had other things going on and I didn’t think about it. This year , I have felt great all over Christmas and even today I haven’t thought about what happened and went to bed last night feeling really positive about the year ahead . This morning i woke up with horrendous anxiety. I haven’t thought about it - the first year I was going over it in my head , needed to talk to him about it and it’s was definitely on my mind . It hasn’t been today, I’ve just felt awful. Kind of like a “ hangxiety “ feeling ( not a drop of alcohol was touched ) and it’s only just now that I’ve thought to myself that I feel how I did on that day . I read somewhere about your body remembering trauma and this was something I discussed during counselling and was told there may be triggers that I don’t realise are triggers and I could feel a low mood and then realise something about that day subconsciously reminds me of that time.

I don’t want to talk to him about it as I feel that will be worse for me , I don’t want to discuss it. But I really feel horrendously anxious today and I’m wondering if it’s that - my body remembering the trauma .

'But I really feel horrendously anxious today and I’m wondering if it’s that - my body remembering the trauma .'

Yes I think it could well be. The body really does keep the score. It's not the same but I have felt horrendous anxiety and overwhelm all through December because of experiences in previous Christmases, and having triggers and cues all around me. It's seriously draining, but it shows you that there is unfinished emotional business to be dealt with

I think it takes years to get over the betrayal of trust when someone has cheated. If it was a long term affair then that’s even harder to come to terms with.

Did the therapist give you any CBT exercises to do to help when you feel like this? He’s probably clocked your mood and maybe he doesn’t want to ask. But talking with him may help - are there any unanswered questions that you have? Or would you rather not know anything more and just try and move forward?

I think it’s understandable that if there’s nothing else to occupy your mind it will occasionally cause flashbacks, especially if it’s an anniversary. And this time of year is a shit time to find out about an affair as it’s not just a ‘normal’ day.

Hopefully you’ll wake up tomorrow and life will feel bright again. Can you focus on something positive? Maybe a nice holiday you’d like to book, something to look forward to together?

Of course. We're built to have memories, even emotional ones, triggered by all sorts of things.

The pathways in your brain are built. You can't build them. You can overwrite them a bit, make new, positive associations.

It takes 2-5 years to recover from the trauma of cheating.

I was still struggling with pain attacks and hyper vigilance four years on. Triggers came from all kinds of directions.

Six years on and I was mostly healed.

I had a very remorseful husband who made promises and kept them to this day (years later) but like you I stopped talking about it because I really didn't feel like I could achieve anything more. I just needed time to heal myself.

Honestly, everything you're experiencing is entirely normal given the time. Surviving infidelity website can give you on going support if you need it,

Well your mind certainly remembers it, whether it’s at the front of your thoughts or not, and your mind impacts on your body.

I think what you’re describing is totally normal - I’m sorry you’ve had such a rough time, and hope things continue to get better.

When your mind and body feel safe enough to, that’s quite often when trauma can resurface. So it can actually get worse years later. A lot of people just go into denial to survive and then it’s common for it to resurface.

Our bodies store up trauma from us being children onwards. All my childhood trauma resurfaced in my fifties. It’s very damaging if it doesn’t get dealt with.

Sometimes I do wonder if there is unresolved emotions. I asked everything I wanted to , and he answered everything I asked and did everything I asked. But , I do tend to push myself into other things to avoid things. I really focused on my career , which was great for it . We also dealt with issues that , for him , I think were the root … he was / is an alcoholic but gave up drinking so I really focused on that - like that would fix it . I mean , it did good , life improved dramatically and he worked hard and has stayed committed but maybe it kind of caused another issue that took me away from the brunt of the betrayal .

Yes he gave me therapies that I do try to use.

I think he has clocked . I haven’t been quiet etc , if anything I’ve been really trying to create a happy atmosphere… playing with the children etc , but he’s been more attentive , he’s very attentive anyway but he’s been pulling me in for kisses , telling me I’m beautiful and how much he loves me etc .

The enormous breach of trust stays with you no matter what you do. Situations trigger your lack of self esteem and the hurt. I’d strongly recommend time on your own for a year at least make him prove he will do anything and tell him to move out.

It happened to me nearly 30 years ago and I am still traumatised. I don’t think you ever get over it.

I don’t have any more questions . I put it to bed - I accepted , even though he assured me the opposite , that there might be more . When I decided to stay and go through counselling I said I have to do it as a clean slate and that this point now is a new start … anything done is done , but anything after this would be the end. I had to do that for me so I didn’t feel that I would be ok and something else would come up.

it wasn’t a long term thing and I don’t have anymore questions , I grilled him over and over at the time in a really distressing way trying to force details that I didn’t really want to know . I’m not proud - not for how it affected him but for what I felt I became - but at the time it was what I felt I needed .

It’s been 3 years. I don’t feel I want space from him , I am happy and life is happy usually …. Just maybe I thought I was fine and I’ve realised that actually even thinking I’m ok , it can rear its head .

He gave up drinking when it came out , as that was an issue. He has stayed committed ever since. Realistically.. in terms of trust I feel like I do trust him , but not 100% . I trust he loves me , i trust him mostly … but I wouldn’t if he started drinking again . But even saying that … without drinking , if someone contacted me and said he had cheated , before all this I would have believed him but after this , I wouldn’t. I know trust isn’t 100% there , I hope it will be one day but I don’t know if it ever can after betrayal because I felt so safe with him and never thought he would do it and he did so how could I be sure again ? He knows this , it makes him sad but he understands .

I’m sorry to hear that and thank you for sharing x

Maybe this is what I’ve done - gone into a bit of denial.

I think what didn’t help , that I didn’t think of until now , was that my daughter said to me a few days ago something innocent - she was talking about a New Year’s Day a few years ago when I got her a surprise takeaway because I was poorly . What actually happened was , I had found out all about it just before she came back from seeing her cousins on New Year’s Day - I was sat on the sofa just traumatised really , no emotional energy to cook anything. I was happy that she spoke about this as a nice memory , so she hadn’t picked up on how I was feeling ( I had told her I was feeling poorly ) but it just reminded me of that day .

I'm sure your body does remember. Every year I realise I'm thinking loads about a particular friend, and then realised it's the anniversary of her death. I'm sure it's the same with other trauma.

I’m sorry for your pain. Thank you for sharing.

It sounds like I was right , by body remembered 😢

I have to say , just letting it out here - that horrible anxious feeling in my stomach has calmed. Maybe I’ve realised what it was and acknowledged it and opened up a little here .

so thank you to everyone for allowing me to do that without judgement x

I think it can feel shocking when a seemingly random thing sets off all the old feelings that you'd thought of as 'over'. It's scary to realise we don't have much conscious control over our own feeling and trauma can rise up and hit you unexpectedly.

I think you sound like you are in a really healthy place generally. You've resolved what happened as much as is possible and moved on, but actually it's normal and sensible to not feel 100% trust again. Why would you when you've experienced betrayal in the past - your brain is protecting itself and feeling what it does, based on previous knowledge. So I wouldn't worry about that element.

I think this is something you just have to ride out. I'm not sure it will ever completely go - I think it's also normal to feel residual anger and grief even when you have forgiven someone and moved on - you can forgive but not entirely forget!

Body No
Brain Yes

Mine was 6 years ago to the day. After a lot of attempts by me to get past it we split but it's good to hear a positive story of your DH showing remorse and taking steps to fix things. I think it's like a scar that will always be there but will fade. Being aware and letting yourself sit in those feelings of anxiety but knowing it's related to historical events helps me. Wishing you well.

Thank you for sharing and I’m sorry that it didn’t work out for you .

I’ve shared on here before on a different board and didn’t get a lot of support, but a lot of judgement. Sometimes it doesn’t work out , but I think sometimes it can - I think the partner who has caused the pain has to show enough commitment and patience for the betrayed party to be able to heal. I think that has played a big part , if he hadn’t done what I needed then I could not have gone on .

I guess it’s still there in my brain isn’t it and probably always will be . I just have to accept and face that .

Body yes, brain yes

OP, would you consider seeing a therapist by yourself? Not CBT, but psychotherapy. It can be invaluable for understanding yourself and your feelings better, and unravelling the impact that this traumatic experience is still having on you x