Arguments/disagreements - how often?

[Lemonmelon1]

I've been with my dh 3 years. We both had previous abuse in previous marriages.
When we first met we never had any arguments or disagreements. As time has gone it's become more frequent. I really don't feel I can take many more but I'm wondering how many times others go through the same?

It really depends what you’re classing as a disagreement/argument.

Disagreement for me would be as in disagreeing on what we fancy for dinner or what to watch on TV, or disagreeing on whether the heating needs to be on or not, we don’t always agree on everything that’s just life, we probably disagree over something silly like that every week but it’s not a drama and neither of us are ever angry about it, it’s just a case of deciding.

Actual arguments, as in both angry/upset, I wouldn’t need even 1 hand how many we’ve had in our entire relationship.

Dh and I have probably had a few bickering moments when both tired and stressed. But I would say we have only ever had 1 row.

Can you give more info on what you are arguing abiut and how often? Is it just bickering or full blown shouting matches?

We never raise voices.
The most recent one was dh not liking how I parented my child. We didn't argue but it caused a lot of tension.

Minor Disagreements, frequently we can both be quite short tempered. It's not unusual for us to tell the other ' go fuck yourself'. We do apologise and move on pretty quick. Big massive blowout fight, resulting in not speaking for a few days, probably a couple of times a year. Together, 30+yrs.

We always resolve quickly. Never say things we don't mean and no raised voices. Just seems the last 6 months or so there is some drama every week to 10 days.

I would say this is normal.

The more you 'life' together, the harder things become. Daily stresses of house always needing to be tidied, work, things that pop up unexpectedly.

Youre always in each others spaces and people tend to take out their frustrations on the people closest to them.

Marriages / relationships need constant work from both parties. There's no 'normal' range of how much you argue, depends on personalities. Me and DP are both hot headed, stubborn, both can be arseholes. God help our children when they grow up with a mix of our tempers 🤣

Nothing for 10 yrs, then we had DC 😂 . Now it's probably everyday and sometimes go to bed in a huff! But we're stuck with each other now 😆

What changed 6 months ago?

I think over time things have started to grate on me and I've started to say more rather than being too laid back. Resentment started building and I've been trying to prioritise my mental health and kids instead of everyone else first.

what do you mean didn’t like how you parented yiur child
the fact you are asserting yourself now is a red flag

I would say it's not healthy never to argue or disagree - it's virtually impossible that two people will always get along and never have any kind of issue between them.

Are sure you're not just learning to stand up for yourself a bit?

We had barely any at all prior to DD being born, and now we have a very occasional squabble but it's never serious, and we've usually kissed and made up within 10 minutes.

With one of my exes, we were having huge arguments multiple times a week, shouting at each other, usually ended up with me crying by myself and him ignoring me. That was a red flag, along with the fact that the arguments were always about the same few things and were never going to be resolved.

A red flag in what way?

My daughter had severe learning difficulties and he often clashes with her as he doesn't know how to handle things.

I am learning to stand up for myself and not be taken advantage of tbh x

I was with my exh 17 years and we would have some huge arguments. But only 3-4 times a year. In between that it was all calm and lovely.
This drama isn't anywhere near as bad as that but it's a few times a month. A lot of it is around sc or dh exw.

I’d say every 1-2 months for us, which I think is a healthy frequency but these are rarely major. I don’t think it’s healthy to never or very rarely argue and that suggests to me that at least one person in the relationship is either a complete doormat or not emotionally invested. Weekly is too much though and suggests you’re just not getting on, unless in the trenches of young children.

Do not allow the man to clash with your child.

I don't argue or bicker with anyone. It doesn't serve me, there's nothing I fundamentally disagree on with my husband.

It sounds like the parenting thing could become a real problem between you.

Yep I think so too

I think you have to look at whether those things are going to change or be resolved.

For example, if my husband and I disagree about a parenting decision, say if he tells DD off for something I think she should be allowed to do, then I'll put forward my argument and he'll put forward his argument and either one of us will persuade the other or we'll come to a compromise, e.g. she can do it but only with supervision.

With my ex, we had the same argument over and over again. One of them was that would flip out because I'd made something he considered a "mess", e.g. a juice cap left on the side. This was never going to be resolved by me. First because I'm fundamentally a messy person; I don't "see" mess and I don't care about it. I can do my best but it's never going to come naturally to me. Second, because I was working full time and had a lot of hobbies, and I did all the cooking and all the clean-up after cooking (washing up and wiping down the sides) so I did not feel inclined to worry if I left something on the side and his unemployed ass, with no hobbies beyond sitting on his computer smoking weed, had to pick it up. It was never going to resolved by him because he was stuck in an 1800s mentality that it was my job as a woman to keep "his house" spotless. So we went round and round in circles. I may as well have ended the relationship the first time we had that argument.

Arguing around boundaries re the ex-wife is a big red flag to me. You should never have to take second place to the ex. Read Stepmonster.

That you are starting to give an opinion and he can’t handle it

and the fact he can’t handle your daughter either