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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Family court and Abusive Ex.

1 reply

Gownsandteas · 01/01/2025 18:41

Hello everyone,

A few months ago, I made a post about my abusive ex (DS's father) who had taken our son without my permission and was refusing to return him. DS is 14 and has mild learning difficulties.

I was able to get our son back and was awarded a prohibited steps order. We are due to attend our first hearing at the family court. But I'm not sure what to expect and whether it is worth me hiring a lawyer. I have an appointment with CAFCASS soon but I am so worried as I have read so many horror stories. My biggest worry is that the judge will award his father unsupervised contact or worse, to live with him full time. DS has never lived with his father and was not brought up by him. Contact was minimal and sporadic, DS would not see his father for years (longest 3.5 years).

Last week, DS made a confession to me. He told me that he does not want to live with his father as he is too strict. I asked him what did he mean by this. DS said that because he couldn't play the PlayStation game properly, his dad was physical with him but refused to say what he did. I know DS is not lying as on the day I took him from his father's place, he kept saying that his arm and chest was hurting. But told me that he just fell down the stairs.

This was my worst fear and the reason why I was petrified with his father having DS with no supervision. DS's father has no clue how DS's mild learning needs impact him and would become easily frustrated if DS does not do things properly or ask quickly (e.g., knowing how to play a particular game on the PlayStation)). He would become easily frustrated with him and my concern is that one day, DS would not take it any longer and will fight his father back and God knows what will happen to DS then.

I'm going to mention this to CAFCASS but knowing DS, he would never admit this in court nor speak ill of his father.

Another factor, I wanted to address is that DS's father always gifts DS with expensive clothes and gadgets. But as soon as he feels angry about something (usually about me). He demands all of these stuff back. He was also using this as an excuse to turn up to my property unannounced to attempt to take DS stuff away. He is very relentless about this and over the years, I would just give the stuff back to one of his family member's to try and keep the peace but recently, he told has that particular family member that he bought something for DS and I am reluctant for DS to have anything (in my flat) that his father has bought for him. I wonder if this is something to address in court.

But please, if anyone has any tips about the court case, this would help me feel at ease. I am pushing for supervised contact but worried about unsupervised access.

OP posts:
TipsyJoker · 01/01/2025 19:10

In terms of having stuff at your house that ex has bought, don’t. Make a rule that anything he buys him stays at his house. Tell your son that he can’t bring the stuff back and explain to him why. You could also say that you don’t want to be liable for any damage that might happen to the stuff and have to replace it. It’s your house, your rules. You’re allowed to do that. Send everything back that belongs to him.

Just be honest about your concerns. Assure your son that he doesn’t have to live with him if he doesn’t want to. He’s 14 now. His wishes should hold sway in court and he can vote with his feet anyway.

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