Ex Husband - No Contact. Please help me stay sane…

[2025HereWeGo]

ExH and I spilt almost 4 years ago and divorced for 1. We have teenage DC 15 & 17 - ExH wanted to no contact arrangements setting up, in his words ‘I work away, how can I possibly commit to a timetable you f**cking idiot’
He is textbook abusive, he’s stalked me, slandered me, called me all sorts of dreadful names to the kids, plays games with maintenance, made malicious calls to social services etc and I just can’t take anymore.
The relationship with the children has broken down due to his lack of commitment, his hatred towards me and the fact the children feel somewhat replaced by his new woman’s family.
He recently called me to tell me I’m poisonous and everything is my fault. I’ve suggested he use a mediation service if he is serious about getting his relationship back on track with his kids - would I be reasonable not to accept any further phone calls?
I still feel obliged to answer because of the children, but they are 15 & 17 now.

I would discuss with the children and do what they want.

I have recently finalised my divorce and my children are adults so they can do what they want in terms of contact or not.

I've actually just typed a message to him saying I can't see him anymore. Not sent it yet.

I would block him. Your DC’s are old enough to decide whether they want any relationship with him

He's old enough to talk directly to the kids, assuming they have phones.

You absolutely don’t have to put up with abuse, the only reason to have contact now is about the kids, so if he tries to talk about anything else I would end the call/ ignore. If you really want to rise above it send him a message/email saying given the last call you will only speak to him about arrangements to see the kids and give him an email address to use ( one just for that purpose) then block on everything else.

If he continues to abuse you have a think about the police, you don’t deserve that.

They both have phones. My eldest has blocked him due to the abuse.
ExH and his family cannot understand why the children are not dancing to his tune.
There have never been any arrangements put in place for me to stop, but tell everyone the don’t see the children because of me - it really gets to me.

I have logged the incidents with the police.
He was parked on my street whilst on the phone abusing me a few weeks ago.
He told me on Christmas Eve that he wishes I would die - I hung up and will make sure those are the last words he says to me.
I think I need to get past the point of caring if people think I am unreasonable for not forcing my kids to see him.

He can contact the kids directly if he wants and if they will speak to him. Block him, expect him to look for other ways to abuse you.

At 15 and 17 he can sort seeing the kids directly with them I would say and if he's being abusive enough that the teens are blocking him it's probably for the best to go no contact. At their age they are old enough to decide if they want contact with him or not.

I also wouldn't worry what anyone thinks, people will see for themselves soon enough. My ex's parents now no longer speak to him and have apologised to me for believing all his lies including the one about me stopping him seeing the kids (if anything I pushed for more when I shouldn't have bothered)

Block him, and if it's relevant or helpful you could tell his family that you're really upset and shaken, he has been so abusive to you and DC that you've had no choice but to block him on all the phones. However he or they can arrange contact by emailing dc at specialaddressreservedforabusivedad@hotmail etc, and you will ask DC to check that address weekly. You're very sorry but due to his physical threats and scary attitude, you can't have him contacting you or DC direct on mobiles any more. Add that you've had to log it with the police for your own protection.
They'll believe it or not, but at least you will have given reasons for cutting contact, and I don't think anyone could reasonably hold it against you.

I'd also look into a non-molestation order if you don't already have one.

The kids are old enough to sort out seeing him if they want to. You don't need a relationship with him.

Hello, I just wanted to give an update on the above. I took the leap and applied for a non-mol, it was agreed ex-parte without my ex knowing it was being applied for.
A formal hearing was then arranged and he attended, flanked with a barrister to contest the order. They have minimised his actions and are saying I’m way over the top.
No , because I’ve always second-guessed the way he treats me, I’m doubting everything and it’s made me quite ill.
i have to attend final contested hearing and I’m unable to afford legal representation. Any advice?