Need some perspective!! To spilt or not?

[mrspippa]

Me and DH been together 17 years since we were teenagers, now in our mid 30's 2 early teens DC.
I feel we haven't been happy for a while but neither of us dare say so. We have been through a lot last few years. 2 bereavements, health issues, wider family issues that directly affected our family life. It's been tough.
I have always put the kids first no matter what and will continue to do so. I often feel like he hasn't, and he's put other family members needs before theirs and mine.
He is a good husband and dad. Does a lot around the house, pays for everything (I do work), takes us away, makes sure we are ok.
However, he can have a temper and has said things out of anger that have really upset and bothered not just me but the DC also. We aren't as close as we once were, intimacy is becoming further apart (from his side). I feel like we are drifting apart.
We are due to buy a bigger property very shortly as we are cramped here. I'm becoming nervous about that as I will not be able to afford the new property on my own but would the one we are currently in.
Is this enough to spilt up over after 17 years. Do we just need to try harder?? Should we even move??
Honestly just so lost. If anyone has any words of wisdom??

Honestly I would try couples counselling before deciding. You might be able to get close again and if not it could help you decide how to separate in the least painful way for everyone. Good luck.

I wouldn’t move right now. The thing is, I doubt he can do anything about his temper, and it will always be hanging over you, waiting for it to strike again. And it can be a form of control, so abusive. Plus your kids are looking at this relationship and thinking it’s normal.

I wouldn't say it's abusive, it's more like he's frustrated and unhappy. We have different opinions on parenting which causes conflict also.
I am thinking not to move as I know I can't afford it. He seems to think we will be happier if we move. Have more space and a project for us to bring us together. I did say what if we weren't happier then what. He didn't have any answers to that. Then I pointed out I'd have to leave as I can't afford it.

I think it really depends what the issues are in your marriage . Some can be worked on, talked about, compromised on. Some can't.

Is there any love, laughter, intimacy (not necessarily sex) , respect, partnership etc left in your relationship?

Why is he so angry and frustrated?

I think the main issues are we are very different now and have grew apart. We want different things from life and also our parenting styles are completely different.
I definitely love and care about him. I know he does me as I have an op soon which he has booked off work to be there for me and support me during and after.
I feel like some of it is my fault as I struggle with anxiety so some of the things he wants to do or experience I straight away say no as my anxiety forces me to stay in my comfort zone!

Forget about counselling. Money for old rope and i doubt DH would play ball.

@mrspippa sounds like there's something left.

What are the differences in parenting?

Are you getting any help at all with your anxiety? Therapy, meds , self help etc.?

Would attending couples therapy and putting moving on hold while you explore/work on your relationship work?

I find him too strict. Gives orders, forces things, forbids things. He thinks I am too soft. Allow them to make age appropriate decisions and choices. If they don't want to do something I try come to a compromise with them so everyone is happy. I stick up for them when he's being too harsh and demanding. He feels we gang up on him etc.
Not currently having any meds or support for anxiety. Because Iv had it all my life I guess I'm just resigned to the fact that it's part of who I am.

I am going to suggest not moving just yet. Though we really love the house so don't know how that will go down and might just mean a straight break up from there.

Wish I had ditched my ex in my 30’s but didn’t waited until 60
big mistake don’t move get your ducks in a row
life is to short

Buying a house is a very stressful thing in itself never mind in these circumstances. I certainly wouldn't be moving to somewhere where I couldn't afford on my own if my relationship wasn't completely solid.

I'm so worried about making the wrong decision and have no desire at all to be with anyone else. Equally don't want to get to 60 and regret not leaving.

When you say they don’t want to do something you do not make them, what kind of stuff?

Plus what sort of age appropriate decisions do you let them make?

This honestly sounds like me a year ago. I understand your predicament. 20 year relationship with a husband who had regular outbursts at me. Got a lot worse 4 years prior to me leaving. My youngest child begged me to leave. Questioned why I was with her dad. We both weren’t happy so I pulled the plug. He cried, said he’d change but he just couldn’t. I still get his tantrum, dismissiveness etc. Am now with a man who loves me and respects me. He doesn’t have children but accepts mine and all that comes with it. Go to counselling but don’t waste time if things don’t change quickly enough for you. Good luck!

So things like going for a walk and they don't want to, going certain places, wearing certain clothes or even their hair cut. I let them choose the clothes they like to buy/wear (not inappropriate). One of my DC wanted a certain hair style cut and he said I shouldn't have let them do it as it doesn't look good. These are just a few examples I can think of.

How do you know when it's right to walk away. I honestly don't want to even think about being with someone else. It's so far from what I want. I just want him and our family but to be happy. I just don't know how to get there. It's not all bad. I would say the good outweighs the bad but the bad is affecting us negatively.
The DC love their dad and have a good relationship with him. I really don't want to throw it all away.

Have seen this sort of thing play out with so many couples before. Things get a bit stake, so they try to throw something big at it, to try and fix things. Build an extension, buy a new house, get married, have a a baby, etc. Yet all that happens is that masks the issues and 6 months down the line, things go back to being miserable again.

The issues in your relationship need to be addressed people don't change unfortunately, and as the PP said, you don't want to be sat here in 30 years regretting not accepting that. It may be that you're not compatible any more. No harm in accepting that.

You're right in that I feel like we aren't compatible any more and that this house move is just a plaster over it all.

I'm struggling to let go and accept a life that is completely different from the one I thought we'd have. Not sure I'm ready to give up.

Don’t move to a house you can’t afford on your own. If that precipitated a split that’s ok. It will not be the underlying reason for the split. Good luck x

I wrote this on the 1st of January looking for advice. After a rough few months I feel like Iv reached the point where we need to break up.
I don't know what to do next. I know he has nowhere to go but I can't live like this anymore.

Are you still in the same house, OP? Hand hold. Get your finances in order first. Look through divorce/separation threads: there’s lots of great advice on there and you will see you are not alone. Good luck x

I’ve just read through your posts. Sorry you are going through this. Feels like something big has happened? You sound shaken? Let us know what help you need or just talk x

Still in same house, there's been a lot of delays so purchase may not be going ahead anyway.

You're right I was shaken. I think I'm having a breakdown. I was sent home from work as I was just a mess. I have an appt with doctors next week and booked a counsellor. Everything has just got on top of me.