When the champagne becomes flat

[QuickDraining]

I find the festive period quite difficult. My partner hasn't much interest in social mixing during the holidays. And I have come to accept that. It does tend to mean that my own time with friends and family is limited or null. Family visits and what not tend not to happen. Sometimes the social anxiety can be too much bother to even try. It just means the holidays can become quite insular. And although I don't think I'm expected to perform per se, there is some expectation there. I tried to drop some of my own stress this xmas, by doing some prep a day early. It was met with ire for one reason or another. l think a timetable clash. Sometimes the stress of the season manifests in all sorts of odd ways. I did feel rather shot down quite early. And then couldn't much be bothered thereafter. New year's eve, we had a nice day out, come evening it was quite sedate, and OH was talking about putting the day to bed - spent most of the evening on their phone. (This is an ongoing annoyance. I sometimes wonder why my partner suggests spending time with me, when they don't spend time with me.) In the end I thought let's call it a year. Ultimately I think both parties were wanting more, and there was discontent on both sides. It can at times feel so sour, everything goes South and it is hard to come back from. I think I get to the point where I think screw this for a laugh - I'll take myself off somewhere exotic next year. I don't think I have huge expectations, I just want to chill out and not do much with my partner, and catch up with friends and family.

I think both of us try and put energies in, but these tend not to be in concert. And the imbalance just ends up causing mini-resentments. This is probably all totally normal? I wonder if people have tips for trying to get on the same page? There's only two of us in this household. I come from quite a muddled mixed and large family and the festive season was never easy in the run up to xmas day and it was all quite chaotic with high emotion, but beyond that we did tend to have a laugh.

Sorry it’s been a bit flat OP. Can be for many people. Such a lot of expectations on folk at this time of year so your idea of sod this and going off somewhere exotic next year to escape it all not a bad one. Disappointment comes in whenever our expectations don’t align with reality. Having zero expectations and being master of our own destiny though best way to address it. Promise yourself not having another year like this one and have the best time choosing your you vacation.

I think relationships can work when the couple like doing different things - but the key is that both partners are given freedom and blessing to do their own thing.

Here it sounds like your life is being dictated by your partner. Their social anxiety means you don’t see your friends and family. Their schedule can’t be messed with by you wanting to get on with your prep. Etc.

What would happen if you said you’re making plans to meet family/friends without DP? Would they blow up? Sulk? Or support you?

> What would happen if you said you’re making plans to meet family/friends without DP? Would they blow up? Sulk? Or support you?

I'd like to say they would suggest they are cool with it. However if it was perceived I was having a good time elsewhere there might well be some sulking. Sometimes they will tag along, but it's pretty clear they don't want to be there. Then it's just awkward.

You should not sacrifice your social life and just sit at home. Cabin fever. It’ll drive you up the wall eventually.

I had it with my ex where he had no interest in socialising or doing things, so I gradually stopped also. Wasted 10 years of my life where I could have done so much more.

Just go out and do stuff, the sulking doesn’t matter. He needs to see what it takes to keep you.

I think I would just start making plans without them. Tell them you will be out on Thursday as having dinner with friend X. Ignore sulking and carry on doing it. Ideally, don’t let them tag along.

You don't mention how long you've been together. I'm assuming not long if you don't know what he's usually like.

The best thing to do is compromise. He likes staying in which can be nice and you want to see family and friends which you can do on your own.

The phone use and sulking are a different matter. I wouldn't put up with either. I ignore sulkers and let them get on with it in the short term but it belies immaturity and can indicate manipulation.

Ignoring you while he's on his phone is just rude especially if you've made plans.

At least a decade like this. I think I'm right through cabin fever at this point, we did lock-down together. They aren't really a sulker, but can have petty jealousies if I make other arrangements. It's been a hard year, I did reflect as you do at this time. I have seen zero friends, only family for the last year accept for maybe one hour. And TBH, I'm not totally enamoured with family - they are hard work. I just a need a little escape from close partner and family - for frivolous nothings.