How to end it

[MyNewNewlife]

I could give advice about this to anyone else but feel stuck to find any for myself. Been in a relationship for a year with a decent enough man. He's self sufficient, intelligent, funny and responsible. We're both divorced with adult children (although my youngest is 17). Both have our own homes and do not have plans to move in together.

I came from a very ugly and damaging marriage. Ex still causes havoc with my youngest dc but I am able to Ignore most of his madness. I do acknowledge that I am impacted and affected by the abusive relationship and have had therapy. I think I am over the worst.

Sorry, now to the point...

I keep getting the urge to end things with my dp. The reasons being he is lovely but quite avoidant when it comes to emotional things. He is not mean or horrible towards me but he is still somewhat.. distant I guess is the right word.

When I asked how he feels about me because i was unsure, he said "surely you know. Look how much time we spend together, I've introduced you to family etc.."

And he has done all that. But he is also often non communicative, and certainly does not show emotion.

For the most part I can accept this is how he functions but i also realise that I want to be told how someone feels about me. I want a bit (just a bit, let's not get silly) of romance. I want to know that you like or love me because you tell me and show me, or my mind tends to thinks the worst.

So I'm not going to insist that he change.. that's just futile.

So I have to accept that I need to move on from an otherwise stable relationship compared to many i hear about.

Question is, how do I do this? What do I say?

I think we should break up because you don't tell me how you feel and it leaves me feeling unloved and unwanted sometimes?

Too blunt?

Blunt but true. That's all you need.
Any change on his part will be forced and short-lived.
You both have different ways of communicating your feelings, so one of you will always be unhappy. 💐

I'm so sorry you had such a rough relationship in the past and am very glad that you got help and have tried moving on. I guess there's always something, a compromise to be made with any relationship and you have to figure out whether this is one you can compromise on. He sounds great but if you're never getting what you need it'll always be an issue. Couldn't you meet halfway? Tell him honestly that it affects you, and could he make just a little effort to vocalise what he feels for you. It's tough for some people, but he may think it's worth changing a bit if the other option is losing you.

@JJLondon

You see this is the dilemma

I keep swirling around thinking
'but he is a good guy, not perfect by a long shot, but compared to some of the nightmares we hear about, see and experience!

But when i broach the subject it gets shut down. He will try and be a bit more attentive for a few days but soon returns to minimum efforts.

In many ways he is lovely but I can't help but think.. does he actually like me or am I just convenient? He was quite offended when I asked that question BTW, made me wonder if I might be the problem here

@Justmuddlingalong
We are who we are i guess and you're right, forced change is short lived not to mention disingenuous

Sigh..

@MyNewNewlife does he at least show love through actions? Sometimes it's just not their "love language". A phrase i hate but does show people are different! You're not the problem at all, and it may be that neither is he, just that you're not compatible on a romantic level. Is there a level of romance that would be acceptable to you that's in the middle of your ideal and his?

It sounds like you're not matched in the romance department.

If he's unable to tell you how he feels about you and share his feelings in general, it won't be a satisfying experience for you.

Good luck to you.

Falling for an avoidant man is not for the faint hearted.

I fell for one. He was all lovey dovey which felt amazing, then withdrew and it broke my heart. Then he reeled me back in. We're now friends I suppose. Neither of us has moved on to see someone else (afaik) but I've kept it a bit distant and haven't tried to get him back for a long time now. But even in our 'friendship/situationship' , he will give me loads of attention...and then go slient. He's done it over the holiday and it feels awful...and we're not even together.

Be wary. It's hard work.

These are completely different situations. This man is manipulating/using you.

With OP I think it's just his personality type. Not everyone expresses love in the same way. If OP is not happy then she can move on, but to me it seems like a very trivial thing to end an otherwise good relationship over. OP would be better off getting therapy to help resolve her anxiety.

He can be so great to be around. I do agree with the love language thing.. it's overused but still quite true.

Sometimes I feel like I make more of an effort that he does and I just can't be doing that again.

I go back and forth and I want to be sure.

I deserve to feel sure

If it’s not meeting your needs and you find it’s periodically or regularly making you feel a bit shit, then it’s as simple as that.
Just different styles and different needs.

I was actually in a similar position and did end it, (having ummed and aaahed about it for a while). We then had the most honest deep chat we’d had to date, I felt finally he was open and real with me, and we were both tearful and upset about breaking up, I realised I’d made some incorrect assumptions about his feelings. So we decided to give it another go and since then it has largely been lovely and he’s definitely gone up a level with being demonstrative and letting me know how he feels, saying he loves me etc.

I didn’t intentionally give him an ultimatum but it did kind of work out that way and has worked for us.

Ultimately though despite his good points, it would have been right for me to walk away if he hadn’t changed things as sometimes it was great but regularly I’d be feeling shit and like he wasn’t that into me, or trying to guess how he felt/what he was thinking all the time which was exhausting!

@MidnightMeltdown well, without going through all the ins and outs, I don't suppose you'd see the similarities. I suppose I'm just saying being with an avoidant man is hard work and if @MyNewNewlife does not want that, it's fair enough and may be a good decision.

Granted the situation I'm in now is not the same. But he did love me previously and sometimes behaves as if he still does but these types get close then push you away again and you rarely feel on an even keel in my experience.

@AllSoComplicated and @MidnightMeltdown

I do think he is avoidant but not deliberately mean. AllSoComplicated, I'm sorry to hear that you have v been treated like that.

Midnight- I think you have a point about anxiety. I have had some therapy but recognise i am somewhat anxious about this, which could make me lean towards running away from it

Very perceptive..

The Attached book is good on this. Anxious and avoidants are attracted but it's disfunctional.

@12purplepencils

Thanks for sharing your experience. That's helpful.

I have to admit a part of me is just scared to rock the boat. Not the best with conflict

That's the broken bit of me I guess..

Maybe a frank discussion before I pull the plug?

Always worth a frank discussion,
bf and I have both come from marriages where we got into a pattern of avoiding conflict, and couldn’t talk openly about how we felt. We’re trying really really hard not to repeat that and to talk openly about things. But it is super hard!

The thing I find hard is admitting to feeling “needy” or that my emotional needs are not being met, when I want to be this cool breezy person. But that’s just not me and that’s ok

@12purplepencils
Oh bloody hell!

I am a cool breezy person, also nonchalant with a dose of dgaf

I also just happen to want to feel loved and squidgy now n then

Thanks again

Sometimes it's them, not you. My last boyfriend made me feel needy all the time just for wanting normal amounts of love and attention. My new one has never once made me feel like that

My DH tells me all the time how much he loves me, in verbose and fluent terms. He also cheated on me with a 20-something girl from the office. Not always all it's cracked up to be!

My friend is very happily married. She says he hasn't said 'I love you' for 20 years. She knows he loves her.
I don't say 'I love you' to my partner but I do love him.
He obviously likes you, he's with you.

I feel as if you might be conflating a few things - hesitance / mixed feelings on your own part due to coming out of a marriage along with fear that your new man not communicating his feelings means he isn’t the one for you which means you have to leave him. And so I find it hard to know myself, because I don’t think your message detangles all of these threads enough for me to know what the problem really is.

The new man is funny, intelligent and self sufficient. Is he also someone you really fancy who you feel at home with and has values that you share? Do you clearly know what your feelings are for him, irrespective of what his are for you? Are you unsure?

Whatever you do I’d recommend you don’t leave or threaten to leave before you open up the lines of communication a lot more and build on what you have got with this man. Eg. Do you know how he was in previous relationships? Did he put all his cards on the table then? His response to your question sounds quite defensive but that doesn’t mean he is hiding anything. It may be the truth - that he prefers to let his actions speak louder than words.

There is definitely truth in this

When I was first dating I thought I liked the idea of someone who was very in touch with his emotions and wanted to be swept off my feet in an intense love affair. And I had a dalliance with someone where it was a bit like that.

But I think the truth is that sometimes those same people are very led by their feelings and can be emotionally immature, more likely to flit from relationship to relationship, prone to love bombing and potentially cheating.